Even though the day is synonymous with tragedy, there’s a liberal historical, hindsight is 20-20 perspective about Tisha B’Av, that maybe the birth of the Diaspora isn’t such a bad thing. After all, pre and post-Temple life have their own pros and cons, and we’ve been living the latter for so long that Judaism pre-Galut is almost unrecognizable; we’re mourning something that, despite it being one of the building blocks of our faith, is just one part of far more complex identities. Everything about modern Jewish life, from rabbinic Judaism to synagogue worship to the concept of personal prayer all arose in the aftermath of the destruction of both Temples.

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Jewcy is on a summer residency! To read this piece, and our others for July and August 2017, go to our big sister site, Tablet Magazine!

The post My Own Private Tisha B’Av: Long Island appeared first on Jewcy.

Chicken fingers, fries, and a Coke. That was my standard order at Ben’s, and I was always loyal. I especially loved the fries, with their crinkles and those little bits of potato skin. Being a Ben’s regular, I ordered them often.

Growing up on Long Island, my family would go there every few Saturday nights for dinner. We were booth people, who occasionally sat at a table. Once seated, I was focused on one thing: that very first sip of Coke in one of Ben’s signature tinted, textured plastic glasses. There was something so special about them. I don’t know if I thought Coke tasted better in plastic tinted glass, or if it was that since I rarely had it, Coke was a treat, but I was enraptured.

Thinking about it, childhood is all about identifying fascinating objects. These are usually objects that possess a novel and coolness factor, because we don’t have them in our homes. Ben’s glasses had it; they may have even had a power to them. The power of the glasses was directly associated with how many times my family ate at Ben’s. We were regulars, and there is always something comforting about a ritual behavior. For the Cohen children, each Ben’s meal was one giant coveted family ritual with exciting sub-rituals throughout the evening.

I’m not sure whether I was aware of this childhood ritual as a kid or not, but I certainly knew it was fun and special to have dinner at Ben’s. Instead of seeing it as a ritual, I was probably more aware of the order of the meal, only anticipating the crispy chicken fingers. The glasses, though, happened to be the first poignant element of the evening.

As soon as the waitress brought the coleslaw and pickles over, I knew what was going to happen. My parents could not get enough of the coleslaw, which was followed up with everything from a turkey sandwich, to pastrami, to a hot dog. My older sister was all about the pickles, which she always followed up with matzo ball soup and a hot dog. Like his sister, my younger brother kept his orders to the children’s menu. Food was abundant at the table, and I came to expect that.

At the end of dinner, my siblings and I would fight over who got to look at the check first, one of the highest honors among the Cohen children. It was so exciting to see our order and the amount due. Vying for the check was followed by the next ritual: who got to go to the front to pay the check with our dad. I don’t know of any children that found paying at a restaurant so exciting. We couldn’t get enough of it.

The most exciting part about grabbing the check and paying was that we connected with our father, because he always reviewed the check and paid the bill. Doing either meant more “grown up time” with him. It offered insights into his areas of expertise: numbers. Walking over to pay was a chance to see him in action, and more importantly, to actively participate alongside him in taking care of the family.

Reflecting back, my family had the greatest time at Ben’s. The customary nature of these meals became a truly integral part of my childhood.

The magic may not have been in the glasses, but it was certainly all around them. Every time my family came together in a Ben’s booth, something unforgettable happened, and I will always smile at the thought of those tinted, textured plastic glasses.

(Photo by Shutterstock)

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First, Bravo came for the housewives, and we didn’t say anything because we aren’t housewives. Then, they came for the chefs, and we didn’t say anything because we’re not so great at cooking. But now they’ve come for the JAPS, and it is our civic duty, as a site that dares to call itself Jewcy, to speak up.

I grew up on Long Island. I say that with a mixture of pride and dread—proud because I survived relatively intact (and with great clothes) but also dreading having to hear about that kid you went to college with who was from Roslyn. That said, I like to consider myself, at least in my role as Jewcy editor, as something of a Strong Island guardian. Like, when you tell me I ‘don’t sound like I’m from Long Island at all,’ and I’m supposed to thank you, that’s annoying. And when more than five people I know professionally sent me the link to Bravo’s new show, Princesses Long Island, which premiered last night, I don’t really know what to think.

The nice thing about reality TV these days is that you can pretty much assume everything from the plot lines to the dialogue is scripted, and not actually real at all. But Princesses Long Island hits so close to home (literally!) that it’s unbearably painful to watch. The show centers around six twenty-something young women who live with their parents on Long Island, enjoying the lavish comforts of home and the unending affection of parents who only want them to be happy. But it’s not the 2013 reality of having to move back home because your unpaid internship never turned into that long-promised full-time gig or because your landlord jacked up the rent and your entry-level job doesn’t pay enough—these young women simply never left, and never plan to, until they meet Mr. Right.

The direct transition from dependency on parents to dependency on spouse is one of the most disturbing aspects of the show, which features mostly daughters of wealthy Jewish families who don’t visibly hold jobs (there is one cast member who works, we are constantly reminded). “You need a man to take care of you,” Chanel’s father says during a Friday night dinner. The 27-year-old is obsessed with getting married: “There’s an old Jewish proverb that says, ‘When you marry an old maid, you get a faithful wife,” she tells the camera in the episode’s opening voiceover. “But let’s be honest: no guy on Long Island is going to fall for that one.”

The problem, we learn, is that these girls just aren’t finding guys as great as their fathers—a recurring theme throughout the first episode, encouraged by the mothers and lamented by their prospect-less daughters. It’s twisted and kind of gross. Here’s Ashlee getting a mani-pedi with her dad, wondering how she’ll ever meet a guy who’s as good as he is (“I’m looking for amenities,” she later explains of her ideal mate):

The other irksome part of the show, which mostly reeks of cast members itching to promote their personal ‘brands,’ is the way Judaism is on display, less a religious affiliation and more of a personality trait. Erica, who’s set up as the 29-year-old lush (she falls down while drunkenly singing ‘Hava Nagila’ in the preview for the rest of the season, omg), tells the camera, “We’re reform Jews, which kind of means we’re not that Jewish.” Her father then fakes a blessing before telling the kosher-keeping Chanel, who’s over for a barbecue, that the non-kosher hot dogs are, in fact, kosher.

“Everybody has a stereotype of a Long Island Jewish girl,” Ashlee says at the nail salon, “People get so offended, I’m like bring it: I’m Jewish, I’m American, and I’m a princess.” While there’s certainly something to be said for owning your identity (less so for promoting it shamelessly on television, though), the way they yell ‘Shalom’ in greeting, repeatedly misuse the word ‘verklempt,’ and play up their Jewishness for the camera is pretty revolting. But then again, so is mostly everything else about these young women.

The post Why Bravo’s ‘Princesses Long Island’ is Like, the Worst Thing Ever appeared first on Jewcy.

Aaron Glaser really wants to be cast in Jurassic Park 4, the upcoming installment of Steven Spielberg’s prehistoric classic. So badly, in fact, that the Long Island-bred comedian, who ran against me for 11th grade student government vice president (we both lost, whatever), would play pretty much any part.

Here’s his audition video, courtesy of Funny or Die. His ideal role? The park hooker: “I hope it gets to Spielberg,” he told me via text message, “because I really, really want to play a prostitute.”

The post Is This the Best Nazi Brontosaurus Impression You’ve Ever Seen? appeared first on Jewcy.

Tired of your boring, regular-person nose? Wish you looked more like the other kind of princess? Fret no further, Lululemonsters, because Long Island-based board-certified cosmetic surgeon Dr. Steven T. Greenberg has just the tweak for you.

He’s calling it the “Duchess Nose,” and it’s apparently gotten quite popular over the past few weeks—he coined the term after noticing a lot of patients requesting that their new noses look like Kate’s. Turns out women in Britain aren’t the only ones after the Middleton schnoz.

Why? Because it’s a great nose. “Nice curvature, not too much of a slope, defined tip cartilage,” Greenberg told me. (Before Middleton, Greenberg’s most frequently requested celebrity noses belonged to Jennifer Aniston and Ashlee Simpson—both of whom he acknowledged have had nose jobs, though he says they’re very natural-looking.)

But here’s the fine print, Middleton wannabes: the surgery won’t actually make you look like the Duchess of Cambridge. It will just make your nose look more like hers. “The most important part is to talk to patients about being realistic,” Greenberg said. “We explain that they can’t just get anyone’s nose.”

Are we seeing the early stages of the nose job style we’ll all be referencing in five years? Will high school girls on Long Island suddenly start to look a bit more English? (“It’s very common to do noses at 16,” Greenberg explained.) I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

Want the Duchess Nose? It’ll cost you somewhere between $6,000 and $10,000. Tiara sold separately.

The post Long Island Plastic Surgeon Offers Kate Middleton-Inspired ‘Duchess Nose’ appeared first on Jewcy.

• But seriously, who asked the most Jewish question at last night’s town hall debate?

• Microbrews from ancient Jewish recipes? I’ll have another!

• A post from our new favorite website: Rappers Obsessed with Jewish Culture.

• Who’s going to play Rachel Zoe in the fictional television show about the stylist-turned-designer?

• Don’t mess with Sarah Silverman’s dad, Donald.

• We love Iris Apfel, the 91-year-old fashion icon:

The post Daily Jewce: The Most Jewish Presidential Debate Ever, Drink Lost Tribes Beer appeared first on Jewcy.

Our favorite person ever, Natalie Portman, showed her political side over the weekend, speaking at the Nevada Women Vote 2012 Summit. The ‘Women for Obama’ event is part of the campaign’s outreach to female voters, and Portman’s presence certainly upped the profile of the Sunday summit.

According to VegasNews.com, “Portman said that the GOP spent too much time blocking Obama’s reforms and too little time fixing the country’s problems.” No word on baby Aleph’s political preferences though.

The post Natalie Portman Wants Women to Vote for Obama appeared first on Jewcy.

“You’ve watched the fights, seen the drama…but who’s gonna clean up the mess?” a Bravo-esque voiceover teases. The Real Housekeepers of Long Island, that’s who—at least according to this (at times NSFW) parody video from the guys behind the YouTube video Nassau (County) State of Mind.

Mocking the Real Housewives series on Bravo, which seems to be reproducing endlessly in new locations, the video turns the cameras…onto the maids. An obnoxious Long Island woman demands Xanax and accuses Olga of stealing her jewelry, while her husband demands to know who made a $200 phone call to El Salvador. It’s absurd and over-the-top, just like the shows it skewers.

Tyler Gildin, one of the video’s creators, said they put out casting calls and hired actors and actresses for the one-day shoot—a step up from last year’s music video tribute to the unparalleled opulence of Long Island’s Nassau County, which featured Gildin, Evan Krumholz, and Keith Gould rapping in front of sports cars.

“With YouTube, there are so many opportunities to put yourself out there now,” Gildin, an aspiring comedian, explained. It’s hard not to believe that, coming from the guy who stars in the video’s toilet-clogging scene.

Would you tune in for the Real Housekeepers of Long Island?

Related: Tribal Humor Goes Viral [Tablet Magazine]

The post ‘Real Housewives’ Parody Features the ‘Real’ Housekeepers of Long Island appeared first on Jewcy.

• A law suit alleges that a Jewish student at a Long Island high school was taunted with anti-Semitic slurs, which school administrators were aware of, and finally left the school.

• The story of how Jewish women took up the Chinese game of Mah Jongg.

• Shalhevet Schwartz was one of two girls who wore pants, not skirts, to compete in the National Bible Contest.

• Patricia Field did the costumes in these decade-inspired videos (and makes a cameo in this one), part of a Vidal Sassoon ad campaign in Japan:

The post Daily Jewce: Happy Birthday Zuck, Anti-Semitic Bullying on Long Island, and more appeared first on Jewcy.

• 3.02 percent of adults in the Long Island, NY town of Great Neck pay to use infidelity-faciliting website Ashley Madison.

• Madeleine Albright talks about finding out she was Jewish.

• An look at graphic memoirist Guy DeLisle’s new book, Jerusalem: Chronicles from the Holy City.

• Sandra Fluke is engaged to her Jewish boyfriend. Mazel!

The post Daily Jewce: Long Island Infidelity, No Israeli Fencers Heading to Olympics, and more appeared first on Jewcy.