Jews are big fans of organizations. Friends of IDF, Hillel, Limmud, Birthright Israel, ADF, JCCs and much much more! And don’t forget about synagogues. In my hometown of Atlanta, there are eight Orthodox synagogues. Eight! And that doesn’t include all the Chabad houses, either. How they fill the seats is news to me, since the Deep South isn’t exactly Crown Heights.
And since I’ve spent most of my life in the South, I’ve learned an awful lot about Evangelical Christians. One thing I know for sure: these people LOVE us. And we need to take advantage of that, using our lust for 501(c)3s.
Since I’m a huge fan of lists (see my posts on Jewish technology and the flavors of Jewish practice as proof), here is my Top-Five-Favorite-Christian-Inspired-Jewish-Organizations-That-Don’t-Exist-Yet.
Jews For Jesus Money: In case you weren’t aware, Evangelical Christians believe that Israel is the key to Jesus coming back…and throwing us in the Lake of Fire. Never mind our tragic end; Christians are super excited about us blowing up Palestinian houses and getting all us Red Sea Pedestrians to go back to our spiritual home. And to that end, the faithful are donating millions to Christian Zionist organizations. We need a think tank that can come up with more ways to swindle the Faithful to give us their tithing check.
Birthright Holy Land Experience: Let’s face it, Israel is no picnic. Luckily we have the Holy Land Experience in Orlando, Florida, brought to you by Trinity Broadcasting Network. Recreating Israel circa 30 CE, the Holy Land Experience is a Disney-version of Israel during the life (and mostly death) of Jesus. Here you can eat an authentic Israeli double cheeseburger while an ex-biker portraying Jesus gets slaughtered by teenagers in Roman Centurion costumes from Walmart. I ask you: would you rather fly thousands of miles to the middle-of-no-where desert and get bombed by terrorists, or would you like to go to sunny Florida? I pick Florida, for its awesome oranges, Mickey Mouse and alligator farms. Besides, there’s nothing more Jewish than a trip to Florida to see your grandparents!
Kinky Friedman Museum of Jewish Texas History: Shalom, ya little doggies! Of course there were Jews in the Wild West! Levi Strauss wasn’t exactly a common name out-on-the-range, unless of course your range happen to be owned by a guy named Chiam Horowitz. Kinky Friedman, as our most famous Texan MOT, deserves a museum to Jewish Texas. You may wonder, how is this in any way related to Christians? It’s obvious if you listen to any country radio station: Jesus loves pickup trucks and yer mamma. And since Kinky and the Texas Jew Boys had a hit with "They Don’t Make Jews Like Jesus Anymore" it’s all the more fitting he would make my humble list.
Shammai: Hillel isn’t just a college thing. He was an actual person: a great Jewish scholar and sage. But he had an opponent named Shammai who played a huge part in the making of the Mishnah. Poor Shammai lost the pre-modern Jewish Popularity Contest, and that’s why your dorky student union was called Hillel. Inspired by the Christian idea of being a total dick-head Contrarian when everyone wants to let loose and have a good time, it only seems fair that Shammai have his own organization, dedicated to making Hillel students feel like shit. This group would be in charge of going to Hillel functions and making sure that men and women aren’t sitting too close to each other, that the overcooked cheese pizza doesn’t have any microscopic bacon pieces secretly tucked inside the crust and that only Jewish music predating the 8-track is played, lest we actually turn Judaism into something entertaining and relevant to modern life.
Oyes For Goys: Young Jewish guys love two things: hip hop and screwing non-Jewish girls. The permissive morals of hip hop and our already lax attitudes on pre-marital sex lead to an interesting cultural problem; Jewish guys are knocking up their goy girlfriends. Christians work this out by pushing the whole abstinence thing, but since Jews are a little less stuffy in their bedroom manner, we’re stuck with the issue of what to do with these preggo Protestants. The best solution comes from the website marryyourbabydaddy.com, a site that gets primarily black men and women who currently co-habitate (with kids) to tie-the-knot. Oyes For Goys would do the same thing: rabbis would drive around in a large van carrying a chuppah searching out MOTs who love Akon a little too much. Once spotted, ketubahs would fly everywhere and glass will be broken. Mazel tov, your kid ain’t a bastard no more!