Dear Chuck Norris,
You are a conservative Christian who has an award for being "Jewish Humanitarian of the Year" (see #4) sitting on a mantle that you surely made with your bare hands. We aren’t sure how you acquired this award, or who gave it to you, but it’s no matter. We still remember all the work you did a few years back as a somewhat hilarious internet meme, and of course, your role alongside Johnathan Brandis (RIP bro) in Sidekicks; a movie that made a thousand young Jewish nerds in suburbs all across America think, "if I just karate kick a little higher, maybe I’ll kick the shit out of a star." Carlos Ray Norris, you’re 70 years young today, and we at Jewcy hope you live till 120.