Many great artists are destroyed by the burden of their talents. When fame and fortune take their toll, stars ranging from Kurt Cobain to Ray Charles to Marilyn Monroe turn to sex and drugs to fill the void. Their unfulfilled potential leave the public desperate for more, as we pray for them to pull it together, to record one more great album or shoot another movie.
Today, ladies and gentlemen, joining those stars of stage and screen, is Vince Offer Shlomi. You may recognize Vince as "the guy from Shamwow commercials" or "the guy from Shamwow who also now does the Slap Chop commercials."
Why else should you care, except that the infomercials will burn a little less bright tonight (due to the momentary reduction in meth use)? Because, as with Amy Winehouse, this time, it’s personal. That’s right. Vince? Is a Jew. In case "Shlomi" wasn’t enough of a giveaway, we have confirmed reports that good old Vinny was born in Israel.
Vince’s new claim to fame: getting arrested for beating up a hooker. Not just any hooker, though… one who apparently tried to BITE OFF HIS TONGUE. His mug shot looks terrible, hers, sadly, looks even worse, and aside from the inherent tragedy, this story is absurdly hilarious, especially to those of us who have long admired Vince’s body of work. Vince found at least one woman who, contrary to claims on TV, did not "love [his] nuts." Accordingly, Vince was not, as promised, in a "great mood all day from slapping [his] troubles away."
His tongue, woman? Why not go for Usain Bolt’s knee, or Michelle Obama’s arms? Was this encounter, in fact, just a setup to get revenge for hours of late-night patter that slowly drove her insane? Maybe she seduced him to then make him pay for his sins, like Ilana and Sayid on Lost.
Let me pause to ask, what the hell is Vince doing paying for sex? He peddles cleaning products that surely appeal to the late-night viewer’s inner balabusta. Come on, a guy concerned with preventing mildew from a cola spill on your carpet? A man who will make you salad in 3 seconds? Who delicately handles kitchenware, and declares it to "open like a buttahfly!" [sic] Please, the guy should have hausfrau poontang lining up outside his door. What about this chick, at 1:10 of the commercial? She’s all about Shamwow. "Oh my gawd, I love it." She definitely wants to "stop having a boring tuna, and stop having a boring life".
I for one proudly claim Vince as one of the tribe. For all his accolades as pioneer of "a new breed of infomercial hosts", or even "the new Billy Mays", let’s get real: this guy is a fourth-generation incarnation of the Lower East Side rag-cart peddler. In other words: your great-grandfather was the Vince of his day. Trust.
So in turn, I propose that Vince serve out a sentence of Jewish community service. Making meals at the Jewish nursing home with his Slap Chop. Cleaning up the shul bathroom with Shamwow towels. Finally getting bar-mitzvah-ed, and reading his Torah portion with the same fluency and rhythm as his Shamwow pitch. Imagine the possibilities! It’s a limited-time offer. So call fast. Act now.