The week began for our dear celebrity Hassid, Lipa Schmeltzer, at the Vach Nacht of some baby named Velvy. In case you were wondering (as we were) what a Vach Nacht is – let’s have a brief lesson in ultra orthodox and Hassidic custom shall we…
A Vach Nacht (literal translation: "watch night") is the Yiddish term for the night before a child’s circumcision, or Brit Milah (Lipa, read: Bris Miloh). In case you thought it was odd to throw a party for a baby boy at eight days old, leave it to Hassidim to one-up everyone else and celebrate one day prior. Customarily, young children are asked to gather around the baby and recite the Shema to protect the baby the following day, where he may run the risk of the Moyel slipping up. In our more modern opinion, this seems a bit of a preemptive celebration – best to rejoice after the baby has been declared safe and circumsized. Nonetheless, Lipa attended, ate, drank and twitpic’d this –
Clearly a Vach Nacht is a time for celebration, and making a humungous mess. At a Van Nacht one places dirty plates in the serving bowls, guests dine on plastic cutlery and increase their carbon footprint by the second as they use eight cups in one sitting. As per usual, an intense amount of hugging takes place. Mayim Hayim (translation: water of life) soda is served. That’s right, while these men cannot speak a word of Hebrew and think Yiddish is not a dead language, they live in a world sans Coca-Cola. At least the words "Coca Cola" sound as much like jibberish as the utterances Lipa tweets – and its kosher! You may ask, where are the children? The women? Our guess is that the women and all 1,000 of their children are crammed into the kitchen – where they belong.
After the Nacht n’ Bris, Lipa tweeted upon recieving something Jews and gentiles alike have been yearning for over this past week:
So many questions, so little time… 1) Does Lipa know how to use an iPad? Are iPads even kosher?
2) Who on Earth is Soli Richter? (Answer: that man in Williamsburg stupid enough to give away his iPad).
3)Thank him in your name? Did you not thank him as he handed you a $500 gadget? Have you ever heard of a thank you card? (To Do: Buy Lipa personalized "thank you" stationary).
Then Lipa posted a picture of what appears to be his new album cover –
Oh Lipa, always on red carpets, always conceding to let eager paparazzi snag the money shot. Who knew Lipa and Lady Gaga had so much in common?! – In the words of Lipa GaGa, "Baby there’s no other super star you know that I’ll be Papa, Paparazzi."
Lipa’s most recent tweet links followers to a mysterious countdown, presumably counting down to the release of his aforementioned, much anticipated, Yiddish titled album. Only issue? The countdown is in Hebrew, definitely not the vernacular of Lipa’s target demographic. Only other issue? We are sure Lipa did not realize that in creating this countdown, he would be giving signage to none other than FoxySearch.org in a banner a top his content…
We at the Jewcy HQ ask that you not take this post as an indication that we do not think Hassids are foxy. When asked for a quote on the issue, Editor-in-Chief of Jewcy.com, Jason Diamond stated – "Chassids are foxy…very foxy."
Good Shoibbos,
Team Jewcy