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I’m back. I thought we could try a meta-contest this time.

Your challenge is to come up with the … Best Boris Jackson Challenge (The winning response will be the official challenge for the following week. You can see previous challenges here, here, and here.) Thanks to all of you who entered last week’s contest – especially those of you who registered.  The big prize goes to JewcyJuice, who somehow found a way to tackle both of last week’s challenge options at once: 2 in 1 I would like to pickle Abe Foxman's immoral tongue since it has gotten him in such a pickle. If anyone ever truly heard its use in full scope, he/she would have undoubtedly panicked and then jumped into the burning pit of kasha varnishka without making a sound. I also want to thank you for all of your prayers.  They worked. My feet are still swollen, and I’m covered in scabs, but I feel terrific. Special thanks to Maria for filling in for me last week. She’s a fine woman, and I’m a lucky man to have her on my team.

BJ –Please remember that the deadline is Friday at 5:00 PM and that only registered Jewcy members are eligible to win the Jewcy shirt.

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(If you cannot think of an ending to that sentence, it is also acceptable to provide a beginning to this sentence: “…….and then jumped into the burning pit of kasha varnishka without making a sound.” Please enter your responses in the comments section at the bottom of the post. Deadline: Friday, 5:00 PM. Prize: Jewcy shirt of your choice. (Only registered Jewcy members are eligible for the prize.) Boris said I pick winner for last week contest. I like Adam Shprintzen. This summer, David Schwimmer is… The Collapsing Cantor You may want to have your hazzan spayed or neutered. Congratulations.

Say prayer for Boris.

-Maria

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Best Pick-up Line That Uses the Words "Shabbos Goy." Please remember to register so that you can win the Jewcy shirt of your choice. And please also remember that the deadline is Friday at 5:00 PM. Now, onto the winners of last week’s contest. As it happens, old Boris wasn’t feeling so hot last week. Every night I’d go to sleep feeling fine as can be, and every morning I’d wake up in a pool of my own phlegm and vomit. The only thing that kept me going – other than Maria’s foot massages — was checking the entries to my challenge. Who knew there could be so many great haikus about Harvard law professor Alan Dershowitz? I sure didn’t! I had so much trouble choosing a winner that I had to ask Maria for her opinion. Maria doesn’t speak much English, but we both liked Dan Freeman’s “The Case for Israel”:

The Case for Israel Given Four Copies as Gifts Still I'm Self-Hating Congratulations, Dan. That’s a heckva haiku right there, and you’re the first-place winner. My runner-up is Mstakelt’s “Simple”:

Dersh was unhappy. Blamed goyim and the Arabs Cheaper than a shrink.

Special thanks to mobius for another solid effort. Keep 'em coming.

-BJ

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The deadline is Friday at 5:00 PM.

Now, as for last week’s challenge, let me just say that you’ve made old Boris proud. Choosing among the entries was like spending a day on the lake, catching a big bucketful of largemouth bass, and then having to throw all but one of them back. It hurts like a solid punch in the groin. After spending all weekend pacing back and forth in the attic, I choose jrscribbler’s “She wasn't dry, but boy, was she ready” as the winner. It’s, of course, a reference to that famous “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel” song, and I’ll be damned if I don’t love that song. Just the other day I heard the twins, Squirrelisha and David, singing it together. I would have joined in if not for the fact that I can no longer sing on account of the accident with the syrup and the balloon. (Remind me to tell you folks about that one another time.) My runner-up is this wonderful entry: “After the dreidel collector, Sarah Rochel, had her way with the yeshiva student she lured from his prayers at the Wailing Wall, she took a black pen and inscribed the Hebrew letters-nun, gimmel, hay, pay, on his fatigued penis– a great miracle happened here.” Thanks to all of you for entering, and I hope you’ll all enter this week’s contest. And please don’t forget that you have to register to be eligible to win the Jewcy T-shirt. Sincerely, BJ

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