It’s that time of year. The new year is upon us, and the countdown to Yom Kippur has commenced. I want to make myself look good here, but there’s no way to sugarcoat it. I screwed up. 

My relationship went south a few weeks ago and at the time of the split, I denied any wrongdoing. I did not realize it, but with time I can admit the fault is on my end… Like, 99% of it.

Yom Kippur is approaching, and I feel like I must atone. With Hashem but also with my Ex. I don’t want to get back together with her and I want to be respectful of her space. But shouldn’t I fulfill my obligation of asking for forgiveness before our holiest of holy days? 

I know that I sound like a cliche: the Jewish boyfriend who pops up right before Yom Kippur to wreak havoc. But isn’t this what it means to be a good Jew?

Sincerely,

Slut for Slichot

Forget Hallmark’s upcoming “Hanukkah on Rye” movie, give me a Yom Kippur romcom or give me death! I can assure you that apologizing to your ex-girlfriend is not a cliche. Actually, reflecting on your sins and validating her experience is way hot. But, I’m questioning your intentions. Your motive. 

Are you remorseful for the sins of being a shitty boyfriend and gaslighting your ex? It doesn’t sound like it. I think you just want to be absolved of your sins to get signed and sealed in the Book of Life before the end of Yom Kippur. Selfish, selfish!

There’s a difference between apologizing and asking for forgiveness and you seem to be focused on the latter. A good apology involves owning up to your shit and expressing remorse for your actions. Only then can someone—your ex— let go of her anger and grant forgiveness to a slut for slichot.

Cutting corners won’t get you signed in the Book of Life, bubbela, but it will get you sealed in the Book of Death! I say you respect the poor girl’s space and wait a few more weeks to deliver the apology to end all apologies. 

Was that too harsh? Did I make a mountain out of semantics? Maybe. Or maybe, it’s just Maybelline. 

G’mar chatima tova!

Arielle

This article was originally published in Jewcy’s substack The Weekly Jewce.

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Tell your boyfriend that if he loves foreskin so much then he should just marry it. Intactivists (lame name) Andrew Yang and Howard Stern can be the flower girls. Can you believe that Howard Stern is anti-circumcision? What a shanda. Welp, at least he’s a Zionist. 

Here’s a quote from an unhinged Stern on a podcast in conversation with anti-circumcision activist Ron Low: 

“Ron, I agree with you that men should not be circumcised, that when a baby is born . . . I don’t know where this circumcision came from, some people feel it’s a religious thing, it’s about health, it’s about cutting off the foreskin makes your penis less likely to get cancer. There’s been all kinds of myths. I think it’s nonsense. That if you’re born that way, it seems to me it’s a mutilation to cut it off. The same way in Africa they sometimes cut off a woman’s clitoris and they think that’s justified. I think our foreskins were cut off in order to desensitize us, and I think it was a bunch of religious nudnicks who decided they didn’t want us going around fornicating so they cut off some of our penis skin.”

…is Howard Stern okay???

People who compare circumcision to female genital mutilation have major “as a Jew” energy. Circumcision, brit milah, is the Jewish covenant with God. To quote a Jewish Freudian psychoanalyst (my mother), the ritual is “part of our history and our mythology and it connects us to our ancestors.” Slicing and dicing “makes us a people,” and it’s one of our core ancient traditions. It’s also “aesthetically pleasing,” my mom added.

As I thought about the laundry list of kosher cocks I’ve been intimate with, I couldn’t help but wonder: was I only repelled by uncut gems out of a lack of exposure? But that’s neither here nor there. Some like it hot, some like it cold, and some like it in the trash by 8-days old (“it” being the foreskin, if it wasn’t clear). 

For the record, circumcision comes (heh) with a slew of health benefits (was the “heh” too on the nose): it’s easier to wash and there’s a lower risk of urinary tract infections and penile cancer. Cervicial cancer is also less common in female sexual partners of circumcised men (huge flex). 

As for Stern’s wild accusation that brit milah was invented by “religious nudnicks” to stop us from “fornicating,” that’s only half a load of crock. Religious leaders are to blame for that myth, but it didn’t come from the Jews, Stern, you silly and misleading, shit! How are we supposed to go forth and fuck (pru urvu) if we’re not fucking, hm? 

I’ve got a theory that circumcised intactivists are incels who resent mommy and daddy for neglecting them as children, or something like that. Perhaps they secretly wish to be gentiles, and this is how they distance themselves from their people. Either way, your boyfriend’s desire to sever a ritual that ties us to our people is a major red flag. The only severing that should be going on is your future son’s foreskin! If Boyfriend won’t reconsider, dump him and ask him what his childhood trauma is. 

Remember, Bubbela, uncircumcised dicks are for the goys. 

Love, 

Arielle

This article was originally published in Jewcy’s substack The Weekly Jewce.

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I have a complaint. What is with Jewish men being fetishized now and called “ugly-hot” (what?) but Jewish women getting bubkis?

I’m seeing too much of Josh Peck and not enough of Natasha Lyonne. Us Jewish women are hot and great at sex, and yet we’ve gotten no noise since La Belle Juive?! The media’s neglect of our demographic is irresponsible at best and sexist at worst.

Why are our men being pimped out and our ladies gate-kept? Arielle, I’m worried. What can we do?

Schtupless in Seattle

Hey Bubbela, 

Thanks for filing your complaint. I totally agree that Jewish women should be equally as fetishized as Jewish men are, if not more. While Nathan Fielder has a chokehold on American women right now, Jewish women are relegated onscreen as dumpy, smothering mothers and popular bitches at your local public school (Mindy Kaling knows what I’m talking about). It’d be easy to blame antisemitism for our lack of horny accolades, but the truth is that Jewish men tell goyim that Jewesses suck because they think we’re cum guzzling demonesses who steal their sperm at night.

Even if it were true, that we drink 16 ounces of semen for breakfast, camouflaged as a Starbucks ice-coffee, would that be so bad? Is it really hurting anyone? I wouldn’t mind a late-night rendezvous with Lilith in my dreams. And besides, breeding kinks—AKA pru u’revu—have been all the rage lately (checkout this article from antisemitic Vice), so what gives? 

My theory is that Jewish American assimilation resulted in way too many self-hating Jewish men with mommy issues. Take, for example, this interview on The Oprah Winfrey Show, where a 32-year-old Jewish lawyer says he won’t date Jewish women because they’re “all identical.” What a maroon. What an ignoramus. What a putz!

All that being said, mamaleh, I wouldn’t be concerned! In biblical tales of seduction and throughout history, the exotic Jewess has been eroticized, fetishized and demonized for her succubi ways (you can do your own research <3). In 2009, a defunct Men’s Fashion Magazine published a trend piece called “The Rise of the Hot Jewish Girl,” so we definitely had a moment there. And with Rolling Stone’s 2021 piece accusing IDF soldiers of influencing “the Middle East narrative with sexy social media posts,” it’s safe to say that the global view of Jewesses as semen slurping succubi is still alive. Tradition!

Love, 

Arielle

This article was originally published in Jewcy’s substack The Weekly Jewce.

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For I have sinned. Here’s hoping you can help me redeem some mitzvah points… 

Last week, I had a Nice Jewish Suitor over for dinner. I cooked chicken schnitzel, pearl couscous with zucchini, and served an Israeli-style salad — sounds kosher, right? WRONG! Despite my best effort to serve his majesty a kosher meal fit for King Solomon, I utterly failed. 

The culprit was the treif salad dressing, of all things! The real kicker is how I even discovered the unkosher poison. My NJS raved about the salad dressing so I showed him the bottle of white wine vinegar that dowsed the vegetables. My heart dropped to my stomach when he told me it wasn’t kosher. Oy, I felt terrible! Why did I have to show off the bottle!? 

He didn’t seem overly bothered by the bait and switch — you’ll be proud to know that we still got those double Shabbos mitzvah points — but the guilt has been all-consuming. 

Might you offer some wise words of advice to ease my unkosher soul? 

Thanks, 

Gefilte Guilt

Hey Bubbela, 

I hereby absolve you of all guilt. Though you may wish you hadn’t spilled the beans, take solace in knowing that HaShem is merciful (I think I read that somewhere on Reddit). For real, though, my Jewish day school taught me that if someone unknowingly eats treif (Yiddish for “unkosher”) it’s NBD, so I’m gifting you a “get out of Gehenna free” card. 

Your suitor probably wasn’t thrilled but it sounds like you made up for it in the bedroom. Speaking of, unless he impregnated you, I’m pretty sure the sin of spilling seed is, like, a million time worse than eating an unkosher salad. And for anyone wondering, if we disregard the halachic sacrecy of semen, it looks like swallowing a load is kosher. But don’t quote me on that. 

Love, 

Arielle 

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Remember the funny guy from before that I was supposed to be straight up with… well, that never happened. BUT, we are seeing each other again consistently-ish.

Oy.

Now that it’s been quite a few months of this back and forth, I find myself wondering… am I in a relationship? We certainly haven’t put any words to it and we don’t seem to be progressing. But we are becoming attached to each other. Well, at least I am.

Last night I found myself Googling “how often should you be seeing your partner” and “how often should you be texting your partner.” Silly, right? But having never progressed this far, I’m confused. I realized I don’t know what’s normal and I’m too embarrassed to communicate that to Mr. Funny-Jew-Boy. Maybe even that I want to see him more? What if he thinks we’re stuck in a casual loop? Is that why we don’t talk at all between dates?

Again, oy… Hoping for your guidance again. 

Sincerely,

Messy Meshugane

Hey Bubbela, 

Well, isn’t this a delicious deja-vu? WRONG! It’s as stale as the matzah my mom hoards in her pantry. You completely disregarded my words of wisdom in our last correspondence but I won’t hold it against you because I, too, never take my own advice. I do, however, also Google “how to know if a guy likes you,” so you’re in good company. 

My dear anxious meshugane, I know you know that it’s time to have “the talk.” Analyzing Mr. Funny-Jew-Boy’s every move — or lack thereof — is a waste of time and energy. You’ve been groovin’ and schmoozin’ with this hunk for long enough that it’s totally appropriate to pop the dreaded “what are we?” At this point, the fling needs to flourish into a relationship or come to a screeching halt. Honest communication is, dare I say, the final solution. If commitment isn’t on Mr. Playboy’s horizon then he must set you free! But, darling, waiting for him to initiate the talk is like waiting for Godot. The time to ask is now, because if not now, when? 

Your options are to continue agonizing over this fellow and risk a missed connection with someone who will actually talk to you between dates, or to respect your desires and go after what you want. And Mr. Funny-Jew-Boy isn’t necessarily what you want, Bubbela! Well, you think it’s what you want, but in reality what you crave is a secure romantic relationship with someone who doesn’t leave you feeling confused after every excursion. If you want to rid your stomach of that knot, you’re gonna have to untie it yourself. 

Rip off the bandaid and define the relationship ASAP. Like, right now. Okay? Yalla, bye!

Love, 

Arielle

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I’m going to keep this short and sweet: I have a crush on my Rabbi. I’ve been taking classes at my synagogue and meeting with him monthly to discuss my studies for the past year. He’s obviously wildly smart, wise, and HOT (mid-30’s to my early 30’s), and it feels like he sees deep into my soul whenever we meet. He also has amazing taste in music. 

I know he’s single because 1) we’ve bonded over our relationship statuses in relation to the loneliness of keeping Shabbat during quarantine as single people 2) his dating app profile comes up for me constantly.

So like, is he totally off-limits? Would it cross a major boundary to shoot my shot and ask him for coffee or something once my class ends? I wouldn’t want to fuck things up and have to switch temples if he says no/is weirded out… but like also I’d regret not pursuing some kind of hot Jewish Fleabag fantasy when I have the opportunity… Please help!!

Much love and gratitude in advance,

Smitten with Schpilkes

OMG Bubbela, 

This is just the juicy pickle I’ve been CUH-RAVING! I so want you to experience this super hot Jewish Fleabag Fantasy (#JFF) but the worst case scenario is steep and I’m honestly nervous about it! Schvitzing where you shower is risky, but I have some ideas to avoid switching synagogues. I’m curious about the class material, btw, ‘cause the Torah can get pretty spicy sometimes!

Before making a move and potentially creating a super awk vibe, you need to collect some intel on whether he’s into you. Bubbela, when you see his profile on dating apps you MUST swipe right! Since he’s active on the apps, it’ll be clear whether he swiped right or left. Another option is to orchestrate a situation where a matchmaker sets you up… hello, Netflix? 

OR…

You can just ask him out. Now that I’ve thought about it for a bit, I don’t think switching temples will even be necessary. If Mr. Hot Rabbi is as attractive as you say, then maybe he’s used to congregants hitting on him? And if he’s equally as wise, he’ll know how to handle the situation with grace. 

Just remind him it’s a mitzvah to have sex on Shabbat. 

Go get ‘em, you minx! 

Love, 

Arielle

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I’m a recent convert and despite the fact that I have dated a disproportionate number of Jewish women in my life, my current partner isn’t Jewish. My issue is that the more I get involved in my shul and the local Jewish community — attending events, volunteering, hosting Shabbat dinners — the more strain I’m feeling in the relationship. She’s an atheist, but her family are pretty strict Catholics, and I’m afraid my religious fervor is turning her away. I do care for her, so should I stick it out and just have two separate parts of my life, or end things and find a NJG?

Thanks, 

Conflicted Convert

Hey Bubbela, 

Given your track record with dating Jewesses, it’s interesting that now, as a Jew, you’re in a relationship with a goy. I hardly have enough information here to speculate, but perhaps there’s something about an interfaith (or inter-lack-of-faith) relationship that you find attractive… 

Your girlfriend’s parent’s religion should have no impact on your potential future together, so I’m taking them out of the equation. I have seen a trend, though, among the children of strict Catholics where they reject religion altogether and feel uncomfortable around any religious affiliation. So, I can see how “religious fervor” might make your partner uneasy, but that, of course, is something she needs to unpack in therapy on her own.

Bubbela, living a joyous Jewish life is not something you can compartmentalize. Separating your religion from your love life might work in a sitcom, but you are no Hannah Montana. My advice? End the relationship and find someone who doesn’t strain your Judaism but enriches it. Your partner doesn’t have to be Jewish, but you need to be on the same page about such an important pillar in your future life. 

Love, 

Arielle

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My fiance is cheating on me. How do I know? He just told me. He’s been having an affair with his co-worker. (Fuck her.)

Truth is, we’ve had a rocky few years. Love is still there. He’s my best friend. But it’s become almost platonic. We eat together, we chat about our day, but the raw animal attraction that once was is no longer.

And the thing is, I’ve cheated on him too! It was a few years ago, and we moved past it. A part of me feels I have no right to judge him and needs to forgive, another part of me feels furious, and another part just feels confused as to why I feel so strongly over this whole situation when our relationship has been going stale for so long anyway. 

We got engaged a year ago bowing to the pressure of our overbearing Jewish mothers pining for grandchildren. We’re in our thirties after all, and it feels too late to start over. But most of all, I feel like underneath it all there’s something to salvage. Why would I feel betrayed if there wasn’t?

Sincerely,

Shlemazel in Love

Hey Bubbela, 

The Torah commands us to take an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, but that is so two thousand and late. As zaddy Tevye said (can I call him that?) told a villager in Fiddler on the Roof, “Very good. That way the whole world will be blind and toothless.” Hyuck, hyuck. 

What I mean is, even if you cheated first, you always have a right to your feelings! And besides, that doesn’t give him a hall pass to cheat on you. If I’m being honest, which I always am, I don’t see how trust can truly be rebuilt in a monogamous relationship after something like this. Even if your fiance really thought he moved past your infidelity, subconscious resentment might have influenced the affair. By the way, I don’t approve of tearing down the other woman. Your anger is best directed at your partner. 

Bubbela, I don’t think this relationship is worth salvaging. Feeling betrayed doesn’t mean you should spend another year attempting to mend a miserable relationship! Quite the opposite… that deep, gut-wrenching feeling is really your body telling you to bow out while you’re still technically single. You’re both too young for the flame to have burned out so quickly. 

But maybe I’m wrong. 

If there is a dwindling spark left, perhaps couples therapy can fan it into a fire. And that’s what I think about that! 

Good luck!

Love, 

Arielle 

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I have been looking for a bashert for some time now without any success. The clock is ticking and the pressure pressuring but my eshet chayil is nowhere to be found. The women in my family constantly suggest potential matches for me as if we were in Anatevka! Should I cave to the pressure and call these random girls they approve of or wait ‘til Princess Charming comes along? I want to meet new people, but I’m afraid that I’d relinquish my independence to my yiddishe mamme like I already have for too damn long. 

Sincerely,

Eshet Chayi-less

Hey Bubbela, 

I assure you I’ve written back many a Nice Jewish Man — (is NJM the new NJB?) — and I’m very well aware that you “get confused.” Let’s see if my tough love can steer you towards the derech hayashir (straight path). 

The clock is ticking, you say? My darling boychik, I assure you your sperm will be swimming for decades to come. I imagine you come from a rather religious family so I understand the mounting pressure and urgency to wed. What I don’t understand is why you’re waiting for “Princess Charming” to find you instead of searching for her yourself! I’m on my hands and knees begging my three older brothers to set me up with a Jewish king to no avail, meanwhile you’ve got a stockpile of eligible bachelorettes to choose from! 

My advice? Work out your mommy issues in therapy and call these “random girls” who your matchmakers carefully selected for you. And then I want you to thank the women in your life for nagging you, and while you’re at it, ask them if they can make me a shidduch next. 

Love, 

Arielle

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I met someone last summer after leaving a long term toxic relationship and we instantly hit it off. I thought he was my bashert. Things moved quickly — he asked me if I wanted to live with him and a couple months ago we signed a lease. But from our time together, I was sure he was the one for me so I took the plunge. 

A couple months later, I’m not so sure. I quickly realized after moving in that he has likely lied about his finances, like savings/debts and where he was financially. On top of that, he has no financial foresight, doesn’t help out much with anything around the house and will get mad at me over trivial things. He’s totally changed and I’m too afraid to have a real conversation with him about it. I don’t know if he is really my bashert anymore and if I should cut and run or if I should try to work out these issues. 

As much as I love him and he loves me, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m right back in a bad relationship and that I’ve made a mistake. Are we just too incompatible for each other?

Sincerely,

Fast and Furious 

Hey Bubbela, 

Time is of the essence so I’m going to cut to the chase — leave him immediately. This guy sounds like the Tinder Swindler! There’s a reason you can’t shake that anxious feeling, and it’s that your gut has sounded the alarms. Or rather, your gut is blowing a shofar to prepare you for battle. And by battle, I mean breakup. You’ve left a toxic relationship once — mazal tov — and you can and will do it again. Practice makes perfect, right? 

This fella isn’t worthy of being dubbed your bashert, and obviously I’ll tell you why. Generally, relationships that move at the speed of light crash and burn. I know this from talking to love experts and from my own experience. A fast and furious romance is based more on lust — and perhaps a dose of desperation — than love, and I suspect you rushed into this new guy for a few reasons. Off the heels of a breakup, maybe you were feeling lonely and in need of a rebound or perhaps in comparison to your ex this faux bashert was truly a Prince Charming. But that has more to do with your shitty former lover than the reality of your new beau. 

Furthermore, the money situation you brought up actually has a name — financial infidelity. This is when a partner withholds information or lies about their finances, and when the truth is revealed feelings of betrayal run deep, similarly to romantic infidelity. Take solace in that you are not alone — according to a new study, 30 percent of couples deal with financial infidelity. The study wasn’t peer reviewed, so definitely take the results with a grain of kosher salt. 

My third argument for leaving this loser is that he gets mad at you over “trivial things.” This is not a trait you want in a partner, and though it usually points to a different problem in the relationship, this behavior so early on in the relationship is unacceptable.

You deserve more, bubbela. My advice? Try being single for a bit. 

Love, 

Arielle  

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