Eshet Chayi-less

Shema Arielle,

I have been looking for a bashert for some time now without any success. The clock is ticking and the pressure pressuring but my eshet chayil is nowhere to be found. The women in my family constantly suggest potential matches for me as if we were in Anatevka! Should I cave to the pressure and call these random girls they approve of or wait ‘til Princess Charming comes along? I want to meet new people, but I’m afraid that I’d relinquish my independence to my yiddishe mamme like I already have for too damn long. 

Sincerely,

Eshet Chayi-less

---

Hey Bubbela, 

I assure you I’ve written back many a Nice Jewish Man — (is NJM the new NJB?) — and I’m very well aware that you “get confused.” Let’s see if my tough love can steer you towards the derech hayashir (straight path). 

The clock is ticking, you say? My darling boychik, I assure you your sperm will be swimming for decades to come. I imagine you come from a rather religious family so I understand the mounting pressure and urgency to wed. What I don’t understand is why you’re waiting for “Princess Charming” to find you instead of searching for her yourself! I’m on my hands and knees begging my three older brothers to set me up with a Jewish king to no avail, meanwhile you’ve got a stockpile of eligible bachelorettes to choose from! 

My advice? Work out your mommy issues in therapy and call these “random girls” who your matchmakers carefully selected for you. And then I want you to thank the women in your life for nagging you, and while you’re at it, ask them if they can make me a shidduch next. 

Love, 

Arielle