In transplanting Bambi headquarters to New York, it seems appropriate to adopt the local psychology of choice, namely Freudian love theorizing. It’s one of the only places on the planet that still has a wide adherence to psychotherapy. And where there is an ivory tower, so too is an exploitative amateur to deconstruct in the public arena. So without further ado, in dialogue with the libidinous and the perplexed, let’s get down into the dirt of your ids.
Got more questions? Send them to Bambi@Jewcy.com
Q: Dear Bambi, What’s with girls who won’t give head? My girlfriend and I have been together for eight months, and my penis hasn’t gone anywhere near her mouth. Not sure if she’s grossed out, or maybe she knows she gives terrible head. What’s the deal?
Not signed
A: Freud’s Beyond the Pleasure Principle begins,
"In the theory of psycho-analysis we have no hesitation in assuming that the course taken by mental events is automatically regulated by the pleasure principle. We believe, that is to say, that the course of those events is invariably set in motion by an unpleasurable tension, and that it takes a direction such that its final outcome coincides with a lowering of that tension-that is, with an avoidance of unpleasure or a production of pleasure."
Some chicks just aren’t into it. At some point, girly’s mind programmed the equation: dick in mouth=unpleasurable and went with it. It’s kind of like Hendrick’s Gin-It’s not for everybody. Like it says on their label, "Despite the possibilities of surprise, most people shy away from what is odd." While giving head is as ubiquitous as badmouthing Lady Gaga these days, it’s still a little too kinky for some.
So what’s with these girls? Hopefully they go off autopilot at least for a minute to consciously consider if they’re capable of that "production of pleasure" that would make it a truly symbiotic act. Think about it: you get to be giving, sexy, submissive yet dominant, not to mention appreciated for your efforts, and (you better demand) reciprocated. The vulnerability of being with another person is electrified when you aren’t assigning a gross factor to their body parts (It’s not brussel sprouts, it’s his dick). So whet your appetite, take a shot, and go downtown. Just try a tapas serving of the guy with the outlook of a gourmand rather than a cringing kid. Open-minded and open-hearted, you might find yourself craving another portion before long.
And if you’re one of these ladies who just doesn’t care for it, do everyone a favor: recognize if you do not plan on ever associating positive vibes with this pleasure principle and own it, girl. There are hot matches for you who don’t require that kind of stimulus to reach nirvana. I’m fairly certain that she who feigns a couple of rounds to appease her beggin-for-it beau only to completely remove it from her repertoire after baiting the boy into marriage is the current Wikipic for "Bitch."
Q: Hey Bambi, Why do I always get stuck with the guys with the deformed dicks? It’s like 4 out of the last 5 have these weird pretzel looking thingies. Am I cursed?
Tony from Chicago
A: Just as Freud’s colleague-gone-nemesis Alfred Adler’s rival theory on aggressiveness due to "organ inferiority" as applied to women was bullshit, so too is any assignment of betamale status to anyone featuring anything shy of a Tommy Lee straightshot Magnum (yum). If you are not having a good time with mister with a twister, take that curve ball and hit it out of the park with varied thrusts that put pieces together just right. In other words, sex is not a yoga Supine resting posish. When life gives you bananas, do the split.
Said Freud in Pleasure Principle,
The backward path that leads to complete satisfaction is as a rule obstructed by the resistances which maintain the repressions. So there is no alternative but to advance in the direction in which growth is still free (Banana Split)…The ‘instinct towards perfection’-an instinct which cannot possibly be attributed to every human being. The dynamic conditions for its development are, indeed, universally present but it is only in rare cases (Tommy Lee) that the economic situation appears to favor the production of the phenomenon."
Probability-wise, you’re bound to hit bingo after a few rounds-if you’re intent on finding a straight-shooter, keep trying. Meanwhile, might as well have fun.
Q: Who the fuck uses condoms for blowjobs?
Signed, Everyman
A: Sigmund directly discusses the bummer of condoms for blowjobs in Pleasure Principle too:
Let us picture a living organism in its most simplified possible form as an undifferentiated vesicle of a substance that is susceptible to stimulation. Then the surface turned towards the external world will from its very situation be differentiated and will serve as an organ for receiving stimuli (dick)…it would be easy to suppose, then, that as a result of the ceaseless impact of external stimuli on the surface of the vesicle, its substance to a certain depth may have become permanently modified…this would mean that its elements could undergo no further permanent modification from the passage of excitation, because they had already been modified in the respect in question (blowjob)…it may be supposed that, in passing from one element to another, an excitation has to overcome a resistance (condom).
In short, nobody wants to wear one. It just pays to be informed about what you’re getting into, since oblivion is what makes it hurt when you piss. As per some sage Savage advice, discreet promiscuity means you have less of a clue of where that fun thing has been, so just consider the option. That’s not to frown upon your go-get-‘em spirit-"love thy neighbors as you love thy self," just don’t forget about the latter half.