Do you enjoy simultaneous piety, drunkenness and thrift? I am a connoisseur of cheap kosher vines and I’m here to guide you with options for any occasion. Here’s a list of certified kosher wines that’ll whet the whistle of any Jew, God-fearing or otherwise. Priced $18 and below. (Maybe leave the bottle open for a couple hours first.)

Official drink of the Jewish American Princess:

Bartenura Moscato D’Asti

This is the “blue bottle” and it trumps all other kosher wines. Asti is the white male privilege of kosher wines – it’s the default option. All other Moscatos are fine, really; some may even be sweeter or bubblier. Some may be name-checked by rappers. Nonetheless, all the others bow before Bartneura.

For your coworker’s Shabbos table:

Teperberg Vision Merlot

Make it look like you spent more than you did.

For getting a new job:

Tabor 562 Brut

Popping corks and taking names – after hours, of course.

For leaving an old job:

Chateneuf Semi Dry White Bordeaux

Paint a smile on your face and give ’em a gracious wave. Then put all the memories in your rearview mirror.

For the random family you’re sleeping by who you’ve never met before:

Chen(in) Chenin Blanc

When you don’t know which personality to go for.

For your religious cousins:

Alfasi Merlot

Let’s be honest, they for sure have a wine favorite specific to their family. If you ask the dad, he’ll say you can’t afford his and the mom will say Moscato. So go basic with Merlot.

For your 21st birthday party:

Rashi Joyvin Red

If it’s your first time getting white girl wasted, be kind to your palate (if nothing else) with the sweetest option in the smoothest bottle.

For your 25th birthday party:

Tishbi Vineyards Sauvignon Blanc

By now you can handle the real stuff. Wine’s not weird, it’s useful! So put it to good use.

For your 30th birthday party:

Tabor Mt. Tabor Chardonnay

We’re getting classy now. Did you know some people believe that the etymology of “Chardonnay” is Hebrew for “gate of God”? There, now you have a conversation starter as well.

For your birthday party the year you start lying about your age:

Ben Ami Cabernet Sauvignon

Cabs are the quickest way to get the job done and this red does just that.

For your engagement party:

Binyamina Shiraz

The fruitiest and the nicest on the purest day.

For your best friend’s engagement party:

Barkan Pinot Noir

You’re feeling dark and mysterious and also maybe a little territorial. The Pinot Noir is as finicky as you are when someone touches the tiered dessert platter you spent twenty minutes setting up.

For your younger sister’s engagement party:

Jeunesse Cabernet Sauvignon

You’re gonna be getting a lot of sympathy from everyone else, so best get that out of your system first. Indulge in some self-loathing with a purpose.

For coming out to your bubby:

Who are you kidding? That takes a whole bottle of Chivas Regal.

Image via Tablet Magazine

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If there are two things Jews are known for, it’s theatre and psychological issues. But did you know those two things closely overlap to the point of being exactly the same? You probably did!  But just in case you didn’t, here’s a list of why watching a contemporary play is exactly the same as a Jewish family going to therapy.

1. It’s mostly a bunch of  multigenerational Jews whining.

You can take years of classes about breaking playwriting down to its fundamentals: structure, beats, dialogue, arc, etc. But let me save you thousands of dollars: at their core, plays are about Jews whining. Even if the play is about WASPs or blue collar Southerners struggling with their repressed homosexuality during a sweltering Texas summer (the only other groups of people contemporary plays are about), odds are it’s written and/or directed by a Jewish person. And even if there are no Jews within a hundred mile radius, all plays are about people complaining, which is a popular Jewish pastime.

2. Everyone projects (their emotions).

No one will ever address their issues head-on. In plays, everything must be “subtextual,” which is theatre lingo for “passive-aggressive.”  No one in a play or in therapy will ever say “My father’s death unearthed a lot of conflicting feelings for me, especially since I was a young man struggling with his sexual identity who never felt truly accepted by his family. That is why I spent six years wandering the Midwest and never reaching out to my family.” They’ll just say something like “You forgot your bag” with a strange amount of tension. That’s how you know it’s not really about the bag.

If you need more examples of passive-aggressiveness or subtext, call your mother. If you still remember her number. And God forbid you visit.

3. Everyone projects (their voices).

In plays, actors must speak to the back row of a 1,000+ seat theater. Jews also speak to the back row of a 1,000+ seat theater, even if they are sitting in a small office in Westchester or at the grocery store or a funeral. There are a lot of techniques actors use to prevent vocal damage from all that loud talking, but Jewish families know the trick is to start early and do it often.

4. It can cost between $40 to  $200+.

It depends on your insurance.

5. It costs extra if Nathan Lane is there.

Nathan Lane is a huge box office draw. He’s a star of both stage and screen. Even people from Iowa know who he is. Right now, he’s starring as Roy Cohn in Angels in America for a limited engagement on Broadway, but if you want to book him for your therapy session, act fast and expect to pay a premium. This is Nathan Lane we’re talking about.

6. The chairs probably aren’t comfortable.

They’re not torture devices, but still, if you had a choice between this chair and a different chair, you’d probably choose a different one.

7. Everyone is unbearable.

I mean, really, ugh, who wants to hear about these people for hours? Could they be more self-pitying?  They grew up comfortably middle-class! Why are they complaining so much? Do they have any perspective at all about what some people go through? Their grandparents lived through the Holocaust for God’s sake! UGH, now the sister has a monologue? Is she seriously talking about her cat and her 10th birthday party? Why can’t she just let it go and move on like a normal person? Jesus Christ. How much longer is this thing?

8. The people around you are crying and you’re not.

If this piece of art or therapy session is connecting with other audience members or your own family in a way that it’s simply not connecting with you, it might make you feel like you’re emotionally dead inside.  What are you missing? Are you simply a broken person? Should you broach the issue, air your fears? No, not in front of them. They’re either strangers (if you’re at a play) or your family (if you’re in therapy), neither of whom you want to be vulnerable in front of. Rationalize why you’re not moved. No one actually feels genuine emotions. It’s certainly not a personal failing or something to be worked on in another session.

9. If no one reveals an earth-shattering secret, then there is no point.

People spend years ruminating over other people’s flaws as well as their own. This includes fictional character archetypes as well as your loved ones, whom you hate and whom ruined your life. So what’s the point of listening to other people hash out well-trodden psychological issues, which have doubtlessly been discussed to death on stage or in an office in New Jersey? For the earth-shattering secret, of course! Keep pushing until an emotionally-charged announcement shifts everyone’s perspective about everything. The son was dead all along! The son never existed in the first place! The son was the mysterious cowboy! You should feel crushed under the secret’s terrible, all-consuming weight. All the sacred truths that you took for granted should vanish, leaving you cold and empty and confused.

And if that doesn’t happen, then get your money back.

10. The likelihood of a permanent life-change is nil.

You might leave thinking “Wow, that was a revelation. It made me rethink my whole life. I am a changed person.” But you’re not, and you never will be.

Photo via Wikimedia

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You’d think Jeff Goldblum’s shtick would get old by now. But it hasn’t. So if you want to be further delighted by his excitable weirdness, Funny or Die has a new video that stars the Jewish actor: “Cooking With Jeff Goldblum.”

As Goldblum explains to us in the beginning of the video (sitting at a piano for no reason in particular), he doesn’t actually know how to cook, so he recruits another (Jewish) guest to show him the ropes: legendary food critic Jonathan Gold (subject of the documentary City of Gold).

Gold and Goldblum make a great pair as they embark on a journey to make soupe au pistou.

Highlights of the video include Goldblum grocery shopping at Ralph’s (parent company  Kroger co-sponsored the video), finding out what kind of cheese he would be (Swiss), and telling Gold an old Jewish joke.

“I’m not a joke critic,” Gold demures when Goldblum asks for feedback.

Also, is it just us, or is there a shot where the two icons are beating each other with leeks? Could this possibly be a Passover reference (in certain Jewish cultures, seder-goers playfully whip each other with the vegetable)?

Absolutely, this should be a regular series, and not a one-off gag (yes, there was a similar “Cooking with Christopher Walken” way back in 2012, but we demand all Goldblum. All the time.).

But don’t take our word for it. Check out the video for yourself:

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The think piece economy is booming, and we’re all scrambling for a cut. But what pieces are left unthought? How can I differentiate my voice from the thousands of others, especially when I don’t have an original perspective or care about anything?

So I decided to go for quantity, not quality, and churn out a bunch of ideas in one place. It’s great because neither you nor I need to commit to any one concept long-term. What’s cooler than think pieces? Listicles. And what’s better than listicles? Combining think pieces and listicles into one stunning-awful monster that’s sure to be the Next Big Thing.

1. Where Are The Jews in Disney? How Should We All Feel About That?

There are no Jewish Disney princesses and there are a disproportionate amount of blondes (but that’s a think piece for another day). Then again, there are a lot of groups missing from the Disney princess demographic, so maybe the lack of Jews is OK for now? But on the other hand it doesn’t feel right. But on the third hand I don’t think it matters all that much. Or does it? There. I just wrote a think piece, and you just read one, and we are all the smarter for it.

2. Spongebob Squarepants Didn’t Use Anti-Semitic Tropes And That’s Cool

With the musical now on Broadway, it’s a good time to remember that they could have easily made the stingy Mr. Krabs an anti-Semitic caricature but they didn’t! Good for them, especially since crabs are not kosher, so that would have been Problematic on two levels. Think-piece’d! Boom! Knocking them out.

3.  Reflections of a New York Jew Who Has Never Seen a Woody Allen Movie

I’m serious! I have never seen one Woody Allen movie, not even Antz. I grew up in a household with most of Woody Allen’s movies on VHS. I just never got around to watching them. Can you believe it? And now it’s, like, too late and I wouldn’t feel good watching them. Now is the part where I embellish the cultural push and moral pull I feel about this and end with a poignant conclusion about how ultimately it’s a personal choice about which lines we draw to separating creators from their work— or not. Also, I just don’t watch a lot of movies.

4.  Enough With The Sympathetic Nazi Puff Pieces

Like all Jewish families, my parents sat me down at a very young age and played White Supremacist Flashcards with me. I remember learning the difference between Halloween ghosts and Klansmen, and looking for that tell-tale red armband that all Nazis were required to wear. But times have changed and now Nazis are no longer legally required to identify themselves. They can be anyone! I know progressives trip over themselves to show how empathetic and open-minded they are, but come on. It would be one thing if the tones of the articles were like “This Nazi Broke Into Your Sick Grandma’s Cottage, Ate Her, Stole Her Clothes, And Is Using Her Reddit Account to Post Racist and Anti-Semitic Memes, So Be Careful!” but instead they’re like “This Handsome Lad Advocates Ethnic Cleansing And On Weekends He Sells Organic Apple Pipes in Williamsburg. Here’s Where You Can Buy Them.”

5. Rachel Bloom’s “Chanukah Honey”: A Funny Video Or A Dangerous Perpetuation of Anti-Semitic Tropes?

The first choice. It’s amazing. Watch it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U0k_vHxc2k

6. What Mara Wilson and Jason Robert Brown’s Twitter Tiff Can Teach Us About Gender Dynamics in Cultural Judaism

Mara Wilson recently shared her opinions about Jason Robert Brown on Twitter and it was AMAZING and Jason Robert Brown found out either because someone snitched or because he searches twitter for his own name! I could write a feminist take on this but I simply don’t have the time! I just wanted to share this because TMZ did not report it.

7. Why Poe Dameron Is The Hottest Jewish Pilot In The Star Wars Universe

Poe Dameron isn’t Jewish but imagine how good it would feel if he were. Imagine.

8.  No, Seriously, I Don’t Need to Tour a Neo-Nazi’s Portland Loft/Pickens Trailer/Everything In Between

We get that Nazis aren’t eight-limbed sewer creatures that can only survive on earth’s surface in the dead of night! But that doesn’t mean we need an 8,000-word profile about a dapper young Nazi who’s polite to waiters and volunteers for Church fundraisers!

9. What Twilight Taught Me About Judaism

When I turned to the first page of Twilight, eyes rolling with smug elitism, I did not expect to undergo a spiritual journey. Not many people know that Stephanie Meyer’s father was a rabbi and each book corresponds to a significant event in Jewish history, beginning with Bella Shaina Swan’s Exodus from the dry desert of Arizona to Forks, Washington. I’m sorry! I made all this up! Stephanie Meyer’s Mormon! Bella’s middle name is Marie! Think pieces are hard, actually!

10. Being a Vegan on Chanukah (and a Bonus Awesome Vegan Latke Recipe!)

I am not actually vegan, but I think traditional latkes inherently are, so just use a basic latke recipe but do not add animal products to it. I is don’t actually know what I’m talking about, but vegan pieces are hip, right? (Mr. Buzzfeed, if you’re reading this, I’m cool with the trends and up on youth lingo, even though I’m not vegan!)

11. 15 Times Bernie Sanders Was The Wokest Bae

I can’t do this.

Image by Gabriela Geselowitz, from KnowYourMeme and Public Domain Pictures

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Stresses of life got you down? Looking for little ways to get back in touch with the best you? Sick of being told to try yoga? Well don’t worry, we here at Jewcy happen to also be lifestyle gurus, and we can let you know the best Jewish methods of self-care that you won’t find in the goyishe mainstream media. Next time you’re having a rough day, just take a moment, breathe, and try one of these:

• Eat some matzo ball soup.
• Stay hydrated! Try drinking some matzo ball soup.
• Unfriend that Facebook friend. You know the one: always posting about Israel, but their opinions are misguided at best and offensive at worst.
• Listen to some Miami Boys Choir. Let their androgynous prepubescent voices soothe your cares away.
• Try a new hobby, like gardening, or calling your mother for once.
• Pretend it’s Shabbat, and turn off your cell phone.
• While you’re at it, also turn off all the lights, unplug your clock, and sit alone in the dark for an indeterminate amount of time.
• Dance like no one’s watching. A hora. By yourself. In your living room.
• Make a list of all the things for which you’re grateful. Then list all your good deeds. Then list all your sins. Weigh everything against itself.
• Take a warm bath in chicken soup. Instead of bath bombs, float some matzo balls in there.
• Wrap yourself up in a cozy blanket and stream Yentl.

• Realize that Yentl is not available for streaming. Wrap yourself up in a cozy blanket and send angry emails to every streaming service you know.
• Speed down the highway with a cozy blanket over your lap, screaming that you must see Yentl. It’s for your mental health.
• Try buying some new clothes, like trousers, a white shirt, a vest, and a cap.
• Disguise yourself as a man. Study Talmud. Sing to your dead father. Fall for Mandy Patinkin.

You’re welcome. Namaste, and Shalom.

Image via Pexels

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Earlier this week, the Israeli Supreme Court made a firm ruling on the ongoing turmoil of women wanting equal access to the Kotel, the Western Wall. The situation has recently reached a boiling point, including a failed plan to compromise last year. This court decision is firmly on the side of organizations like Women of the Wall, that argue that current policies discriminate against liberal or egalitarian religious practices.

In case you missed it, the ruling essentially says:

• Access to Robinson’s Arch (around the corner from the main part of the Wall) does not count as access to the Western Wall.
• It is illegal to search women’s bodies for “contraband,” as in Jewish ritual objects.
• Women may wear tallitot and tefillin at the Kotel. Most of all, they may read from the Torah (yes, out loud,) there.

But it’s not over, yet! The government has thirty days (less now) to present “good cause” to protest this ruling.

Wow, that seems like a toughie. We feel bad for the government and Western Wall administrators (particularly one Rabbi Shmuel Rabinowitz), who have to come up with something in only a month. And so, we here at Jewcy have decided to lend a helping hand, and help them brainstorm.

Feel free to use any of these as ways to articulate why the court’s decision was wrong:

• The women’s side of the Wall is simply too small to handle that level of activity. It’s a shame that no one can expand the section of the wall that is about 20% of the space for 50% of the population.
• In fact, because of manspreading, men need at least 90% of the Wall.
• Women have cooties. Praying out loud makes them spread faster. Have you seen World War Z? It’ll be like the scene where the zombies pour over their mechitza.
• Allowing women to read from the Torah at the Kotel violates the way worship originally occurred at the Temple of which the Wall was once a part. Only animal sacrifices should be permitted. And most people should really only go there three times a year.
• If women can bring religious artifacts into the religious site, what’s next? Bringing copies of The Red Tent? Birth control? There’d be no space in their purses to keep extra garments to cover up their bodies, in accordance with Kotel dress codes.
• Letting liberal Jewish groups have religious autonomy is a zero sum game, and the slightest change weakens the ultra-Orthodox stranglehold on standards of religious life in Israel.
• Furthermore, some men will feel Sad and Scared if they can hear women pray in a way they don’t like. And if men feel a way, you should let them make rules about it.

You’re welcome! See you at the Kotel!

Photo Credit: Wikipedia

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Chevrei, kinderlach, we have a new Jewish crisis on our hands. It’s not something you’d hear about in the lame-stream Jewish media, nor does it pertain to Israel or successfully producing Jewish babies. The latest infamous Pew Study, in all its wisdom, did not see fit to explore this important issue.

I am talking, of course, about ugly Chanukah sweaters.

If by some new miracle of Chanukah, you don’t know what I’m talking about, you know those really ugly patterned sweaters gentiles love breaking out come December? You can procure your own, with the designs altered to evoke symbols of Chanukah, e.g., lots of blues, Jewish stars, text with Chanukah puns.

And I am here to tell you the time has come to stop.

This isn’t an argument against assimilation, or even on accepting Christmas traditions, up to a point (looking at you, Menorah tree). After all, I’d be a hypocrite if I said it was all culturally off-limits and then proceeded to accept presents from loved ones, since that’s largely a modern rite that arose out of Christmas-envy (American Christian hegemony strikes again!). No, this is a plea that in good taste, please do not wear ugly Chanukah sweaters. No fake ties, no cable-knit Jewish stars. And why not?

Here’s a hint: If a product has ugly in the title, you might want to think about displaying it on your person.

Listen, when this phase started circa 2012, it was cute. You wore one to a party, and you were the only one there doing so, and everyone thought it was just hilarious. Maybe it was even a joke at the expense of Christian hegemony, and mainstream corporitization of a pagan-cum-Christian festival that has become a cultural and financial force that affects the entire country as some sort of jolly reflex rather than an expression of one particular culture! Wow, that was clever of you!

But it’s 2016, and ugly Chanukah sweaters have become ubiquitous. They literally sell them at Target. It’s no longer clear where the joke ends and Christian mimicry begins.

Dov Charney himself has told us that the era of the hipster is past. We can once again do things with sincerity, and are no longer bound by ironic intention.

Guys, you remember that Christmas sweaters and kitsch is ugly, right? It’s an amalgam of various European holiday traditions blended together into a milquetoast paste of bad fruitcakes and cheap tinsel. We are blessed to not have to do that to Chanukah. Why shoulder someone else’s burden? Have we seen so much of it that we’ve grown accustomed to the awfulness, so inured that we think it’s a good idea to take up the mantle of dreck ourselves?

Don’t wear these sweaters as a joke. It makes Chanukah a joke. Want to wear a blue dress covered with Jewish stars and glitter? Go forth (to Etsy, for example) and celebrate. But be sure to face a mirror and ask yourself, “Do I like the way I look?”

If you can really, really say yes, then wear your “Happy Llamakah” shirt with my blessing. But you may have to face the fact that whatever joke this once communicated is no longer worth it. It’s time to move on. Our own culture has plenty of questionable holiday traditions (even latkes are contentious). Start there, and chag sameach.

Image: An entry to an Ugly Holidays Sweater contest aboard a U.S. guided-missile destroyer USS Gridley. Not even the Navy is safe. Via Wikimedia.

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Can you believe this week marks the beginning of autumn? Can you smell it? The leaves crisping, the freshly laundered sweaters, the listicles gently falling across your Internet feed?

Not wanting to be left out of the latter, we have assembled ten tips, nay, commandments, for how to embrace fall in the most Jewish way possible.

You’re welcome:

1. Replace your Shabbat floral centerpiece with a cornucopia. Fill it with potatoes, the harvest of your shtetl ancestors.
2. Throw a matzah ball into your pumpkin spice latte. Now it’s doubly comforting!
3. Fall fashion: Wear a Chai or Magen David necklace over your sweater. It’s the new turtleneck and chain. Better yet, wear this sweatshirt with pictures of Jewish bling on it. I saw someone wearing one the other day, and boy was I impressed!
4. Forego the kippah. Wear a pilgrim hat. Wear one now until Thanksgiving. It’s sooner than you think.
5. As the general population starts to shift into fall wear, play a fun guessing game on public transit: Who’s Orthodox, and who is just dressing warmly?
6. Have your own Oktoberfest, but with kosher wines.
7. To celebrate the Back-to-School season, remind the child in your life that they’re lucky to have to schlep to Hebrew School. You know where getting a Jewish education was convenient? The Venetian ghetto.
8. Read every Philip Roth story. There’s a melancholy to them that just screams fall. Try to read that stuff in June. That’s right; you can’t.
9. Practice for Yom Kippur by fasting on random days.
10. Generally ignore the fact that it’s still 80 degrees outside and wear tights and boots and a scarf. Chanukah goes until January this year. Time as we know it has lost all meaning anyway.

And for non-Jews, happy Leif Erikson Day in advance!

Image credit: Pexels

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As a child, there are multiple ways to get candy at synagogue, each with its own perks and drawbacks.  For example, some Junior Congregations might have candy, but you might be expected to answer a question.  The effort to yield ratio is pretty disappointing.  If you want to score big, you can wait in the main sanctuary for congregants to throw candy at a Bar Mitzvah or the like, but there are other children to reckon with, and you can feel the rabbi silently willing you to finish and go back to your parents so that the service can continue, already.

But if you want a sure thing, a reward for your mere presence, seek out the Candy Man.

The Candy Man stands in plain sight after services, a twinkle in his eye, as mandated by the Talmud. You approach him slyly, like you’re going to buy a knockoff Rolex.

You might not know his name, but it doesn’t matter.  All you need to do is make your presence known, perhaps wish him a Shabbat Shalom.  Suddenly, he will conjure out of thin air (or his pockets) a piece of candy, and give it to you, no questions asked.  Your parents see the transaction go down, but don’t object.  Even parents who normally forbid their children candy concede to the natural authority of the Candy Man, and they let you have one of those things that has a wrapper that looks like a strawberry.

This is the spiritual successor to putting honey on the letters for children learning the Hebrew alphabet, the reward of participating in Jewish life in the age of mass-produced candy.  And boy, is it sweet.

Like Moses to Joshua in the Torah itself, it would seem that when one Candy Man nears retirement (he was already retired from his optometry business; but now he feels the pull of Florida grow too strong), he selects a successor. Some say that the Chosen One will simply wake up one day with Sunkists in his pockets and know that his time has come. Likewise, children do not need to be informed of this change in management; they will seek him out by instinct; know he will be standing near the challah at kiddush.

Is there some kind of secret cabal of these wizened gentleman, a Protocols of the Elders of Suburban Synagogues? Do they trade tips on how to be adorable, or how to optimize pocket space for the most sweets?

We may never know, but we salute you Candy Men, wherever you are.

(Image: Wikimedia Commons)

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At some point, Pokémon Go became the Most Important Thing happening Anywhere Ever. If you have the app, you’re walking down the street, and boom! The image of a Pokémon is projected onto whatever your phone’s camera sees. An eevee in your cereal! A charmander riding the bus! The possibilities are endless!

Pokémon know no religion or political ideology, so they appear everywhere, including Jewish spaces. This has included the kotel, and Holocaust memorials to the extent that there have been press releases urging Pokémon Go players to power down while in such solemn places.

So where should we find Pokémon? I’m not in charge of where Pokémon Go puts their pocket monsters (heck, I don’t even own a smart phone, so I can’t play), but I do know my original 150, and my Jewish spaces. Some suggestions:

1. Jynx on the men’s side of the kotel:
   This extremely feminine looking Pokémon can daven where she pleases- try to throw stones at that! (OK, so you can throw a Poké Ball, but still.)
2. Shellder at the mikveh:
   Obviously, there are lots of water-type Pokémon that you would put at a ritual bath, but the fact that this one resembles a non-kosher treat makes it super ironic, or something.
3. Haunter at Machpelah Cemetery (Queens, NY):
   Having a ghost-type at most memorials would be inappropriate, but this cemetery is not a spot for modern burials (it’s mostly fallen into disarray— spooky!). And you know who’s buried there? Harry Houdini. You can’t not put a Pokémon over Houdini’s grave.

   

4. Geodude, ditto.
   It’s respectful to leave stones on Jewish graves when you visit. Why not a smallish rock-type Pokémon?
5. Meowth on the streets of Jerusalem
   Have you seen how many feral cats that city has? Meowth would fit right in.
6. Machamp outside of a European synagogue
   Those places are already crawling with bouncers. This buff Pokémon would fit right in (it even has an extra set of arms for extra protection).
7. Magikarp in the fridge, next to the gefilte fish
   
   …Enough said.

Edit: We received a comment asking where to find the Pokémon Golem. That’s obvious: in the attic of the Altneuschul.

So go out there, and catch some Jewish Pokémon! I leave you with the iconic theme song (supercut with other, less iconic ones) in Hebrew:

Image credits: Facebook, Wikimedia, and YouTube

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