The J-Diet

Finding myself single yet again, I’ve realized it’s time to focus on self-improvement. This means both, as my sister put it, "not dressing like a lazy hooker" and returning to my favorite diet so I can get back down to … Read More

By / January 22, 2010

Finding myself single yet again, I’ve realized it’s time to focus on self-improvement. This means both, as my sister put it, "not dressing like a lazy hooker" and returning to my favorite diet so I can get back down to my goal dating weight of 110 pounds (just at the weight limit where I can still be checked in as baggage on domestic flights).

Coming from a long line of giant fat people and a long history of a variety of eating disorders, it should come as no surprise that I have extensive experience with diets. Only one (aside from the anorexia/bulimia two-for-one special) has ever rendered halfway decent results, and thusly I plan on returning to this one immediately. 

My choice to opt for a rigid diet as opposed to just trying to eat well was prompted in part by a recent trip grocery shopping. Whenever I unpack a bag of groceries, I am forced to realize that I really only buy two categories of food: non-food and cry-for-help food. Non-food consists of Single Jewish Girl staples such as miso soup packets, celery, non-fat yogurt and diet soda. I usully get a good two to three bags of that stuff; it’s food that allows you to go through the motions of eating without actually having to consume anything. Then I get a bag or two of cry-for-help food, which is essentially the stuff you eat when you get back from a horrible Jdate or have had a bit too much to drink and you’re having a I-want-to-destroy-my-body-so-I’ll-have-an-explanation-for-why-no-one-loves-me. This consists of… pretty much all the food I was raised on: ice cream, mac and cheese, deep fried lard wrapped in bacon dipped in sugar, etc. It gets hidden behind the non-food in the fridge in case people come over, of course.

It’s depressing to purchase these items, and more importantly it’s expensive. That’s part of the beauty of my diet plan… it’s entirely free (for me)! It’s way cooler than Atkins and South Beach combined, and it’s twice as effective! I call it… The J-Diet. It’s a real breakthrough, and I ultimately plan on writing a book about it just as soon as I’m emaciated enough for the jacket photo.

What’s so amazing and unique about The J-Diet is that you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want! The only stipulation is that someone you met on JDate buys it for you. Sound too good to be true? It isn’t. I went on the J-diet for 4 months and lost 30 pounds! (This was back when I worked at Bergdorf’s, where Russian aestheticians reminded me daily that "food is how the sadness gets in.).

A sample day on the J-Diet looked like this:

Breakfast: leftover rock shrimp tempura from yesterday’s Nobu dinner. Lunch: French onion soup during lunch date at Rue 57. Snack: 3 dirty martinis at Frederick’s. Dinner: Sake and edamame at TAO. Dessert: a CFO from Darien. As you see, this diet is brilliant AND delicious!

The reason for my imminent return to this cheap and healthy way of life is twofold: A) I see now that I’m going to die alone and don’t want to die alone AND fat, and more importantly B) people have been calling me fat A LOT lately. Like, more so than usual. Here are some of the more vicious examples…

My sister, referring to me, informed me "no one buys the cow when they can get the milk for free." OUCH!! Obviously, she thinks I’m fat. Fat as a cow! It’s not like she said, I don’t know… "no one buys the bean pole when they get the beans for free!" Then she made a desperate attempt to backtrack and say she didn’t MEAN to imply that I was fat… merely that I was a huge slut that no one would ever marry. I told her that the damage was done, and there was no point in trying to make it sound like a compliment at this point.

Some waiter this week had the nerve to say to me "would you be interested in seeing the dessert tray?" That JERK! He may as well have said "Do you want to see a tray of oil and sugar? I bet you do, Fatty Fattenstein." Other atrocities this week have included being told… I’m "too much", that I "haven’t changed a bit since high school", that I "seem like a money hungry man-eater" (double insinuation there)… and perhaps the worst of all…that I have "a lot on my plate right now."

I hear you LOUD and CLEAR guys… it’s Diet Coke and toothpaste from here on out.

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