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Sacha Baron Cohen’s Mom is Pissed

The mother of Borat star and creator Sacha Baron Cohen isn’t happy. What has put Mama Baron Cohen (let’s just call her M.B.C.) over the top is that fact that her son and his (whisper) non-Jewish fiancé seem to have no intention of getting married anytime soon. Having postponed their wedding not once, but twice, giving Isla more time to complete conversion classes, M.B.C. has been left waiting for a much promised wedding. You see, Sacha may not be ready to get married, but M.B.C. is.

It’s safe to say that hell hath no fury like a pissed off Jewish Mother, and to add insult to injury, Mama Baron Cohen isn’t just mad, she’s…how do I say this…disappointed. Disappointment is the Achilles heal of all Jewish children, who would arguably prefer listening to Paris Hilton’s debut album from beginning to end than having to hear their mother utter the word “disappointed” in reference to them.

For a Jewish Mother, a wedding is the Senior Prom, the mother of all parties. It’s her opportunity to shine. For anyone who has been a bride or a groom at a Jewish wedding, you know that while you may be getting married, your Mother is getting recognition. It’s her day to show the world that she was such a good mom someone else actually finds her child desirable enough to take him or her off Mom’s hands. And while M.B.C. has the brass ring for aging Jewish Mothers–a grandchild–she hasn’t gotten the Crown Jewel of motherhood: a wedding. While most Jewish parents would be thrilled to have a child like Sacha, whose religion is so important to him that he’s willing to wait to get married until he and his bride are of the same faith, M.B.C. is a reminder that when a pregnant woman says she just wants her child to be happy and healthy, she’s lying. Mothers want the trifecta: Happy, Healthy, and Married. Sacha Baron Cohen created the top grossing movie of last year, is often referred to as a genius, and even boasts a degree from Cambridge where he graduated Summa Cum Everything, and yet his mother is still disappointed because he’s not married. All around the world, Jewish Mothers are united not by their religion but by disappointment when they can’t marry their children off fast enough. You might have just found a solution to bring peace to the Middle East and chances are your Mom is still going to say, “But solving the world’s problems leaves you no time to date.” If you’re over 30 and still single, your Mom is probably lighting Yizkor candles every year, marking the death of hope that she’ll ever attend your wedding. And so, Sacha Baron Cohen, I salute you. If you’re a disappointment to your Mom, with your fancy degree, successful career, happy relationship, and healthy baby, then what does that say for everyone else? If you can’t make your Mom happy, then perhaps none of us can, and so we can all stop trying. We can all breathe a sigh of relief. We can all rest assured that we can go to medical school, get elected to the Senate, rescue a child who has fallen into a well, and our Moms will still say, “Hero, shmero. When are you going to get married?”

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