Jewcy has asked me to describe “the Jewish influence” on THE INSTRUCTIONS and I’m not finding it very easy to do. Even after all kinds of narrowing and qualifying, it seems impossible to get it down to just one person. I tried to pretend, for example, that by “the Jewish influence” on THE INSTRUCTIONS, what Jewcy really meant was, “the TWO BIGGEST Jewish-AMERICAN influenceS” on THE INSTRUCTIONS, and I still wound up with a four-way tie of influence between Sean Connery, Kate Moss, this guy Patrick who used to mow our lawn, and–obviously–Rutger Hauer.
Probably best to start out describing Rutger Hauer, since his influence is the one that gets me the most anxious. So. Although we look alike in the face, Rutger Hauer and I have different taste in clothing. I, for example, pretty much exclusively wear the standard Chicago fuck-you-I-don’t-have-to-dress-up-you-New York/Hollywood-pussies-who-are-always-trying-to-get-me-to-dress-up-and-plus-you-can’t-tell-if-I’ve-got-muscles-under-here-or-am-skinny-or-even-maybe-kinda-fat-or-deformed uniform of blue hoodie and blue jeans and brown sneakers with some occasional variance re. hoodie color, whereas Rutger Hauer’s is a no-hoodies-outside-the-gym policy. Also, he played a replicant in BLADE RUNNER, the screen adaptation of Philip K. Dick’s DO ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC SHEEP, a book I’ve never read, but–who knows–one day might, though I have seen the movie, enjoyed the movie, and also played a replicant in the movie.
Next up is Patrick who used to mow our lawn, aka “Patrick who used to mow our lawn in Buffalo Grove, IL and then in Highland Park, IL, which is roughly 20 minutes by car from Buffalo Grove, IL”: This guy, Patrick, moved all the way from Buffalo Grove to Highland Park so that he could continue to mow our lawn. He had a dog called Pony and a certain way about him, and Pony and the way both deeply affected me.
Sean Connery couldn’t get a date to prom, I once read, whereas I could, and did, though, like Patrick–and unlike Connery who, because he couldn’t get a date to prom didn’t have a prom-date who smoked crack–my prom-date smoked crack. True story. Kind of. The part you think isn’t, I mean. Unless the part you think isn’t is the part about Patrick. Or you want to get really dubiously technical about the distinction between crack and freebase, but we’re talking about Connery, who played Tony in Who’s The Boss, which I saw a couple times, but only a couple since it wasn’t as good as the book, which got me sad.
As for Kate Moss, I was totally fucken kidding. Kate Moss’s influence on THE INSTRUCTIONS was minimal.
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