Overheard in Jew York: Jewesses

Here a Jewess, there a jewess, everywhere a jewess…

Location: Prince Street, SoHo

Petite Brunette: UGH, I hate my mother in-law! What the hell is ‘Parve’ anyway!?

Location: Barney’s New York, 4th Floor Shoe Salon

Sephardic Wifey: Hi, I’d like to return these [snakeskin, 6 inch, open-toe bootie] Miu Mius.

Sales Associate: These? They’re fabulous! Who returns these? Did they not fit you? I can grab another size…

Sephardic Wifey: No, they’re amazing, its just that I keep putting them on wanting to wear them, but always end up taking them off and changing…

Sales Associate: Why? They’re Ah-mazing! With a jean, with a dress, with anything!

Sephardic Wifey: No… its just that my husband is not really that tall, and I cannot be taller than him. We’re Sephardic. Does that make any sense to you?!

Location: Starbucks, 78th Street and Lexington Avenue

Psychotic Yente: Can I have one oatmeal?

Barista: Sure, $2.66…

(Barista delivers oatmeal to counter…)

Psychotic Yente: Are you deaf? I asked for a chocolate chip cookie! Right there!

Woman Behind Psychotic Yente: I think you just read the wrong card, but you did ask for oatmeal – it’s just that the cards are inverted.

Psychotic Yente to Woman: Do you work here!? Do you work here?! I don’t think so! Go home! What are you even doing here?! I am not interested in talking to you, I am talking to this deaf man.

Woman Behind Psychotic Yente: I would go home if you would pay for what you ordered…

Psychotic Yente: Are you deaf too?! I am not talking to you! Go home, I want a cookie, and you are bothering me. Go home, GO HOME TO OBAMA!

(Cue store-wide awkward silence…)

Ol’ Jew York had a farm….e-i-e-i-o! Yackity-yack, Don’t hold back.

From your favorite Jewess,

The woman behind the Woman Behind the Psychotic Yente