An Encounter with Truth

I was lying with my partner. It was in the afternoon… or was it at the crack of dawn early in the morning. We are starting to rise to the world. Embraced, Entwined.

And without warning a radical truth enters me. It speaks through my mouth. I say, I feel, I say To her- “the whole world- all of existence – all of being – yearns to, lusts for, pines for orgasm…for the climax in which we know God… It is the inner throb of joy in all of the existence.”

…and the words were like an incantation – a gift of grace descended – I was one with my words – that without any warning – opened all the gates.

And I was inside all of the worlds and all of the worlds were inside me… and my body began to convulse…there is no stimulation, no sexual energy …sexual energy feels so small besides this….all of me begins to shudder and all of the fulfilled yearning …the pleasure ….the throbbing pulsating heart of Kosmos flows through me wracking me with pleasure carrying me forward to the climax of all of reality in God.

She holds me – she is transparent – clear – shimmering… my body, my heart is racked with wave after wave of love…

but the word love does not fully express it…it is sensuous, deeply moral, and alive ……it is all of me and I am all of it ….I cannot surrender to it because I am in it…and it is in me …

She holds me ..I am gone someplace else and so radically alive and awake …deeper then early experiences

deeper then the awakening of shattering is the awakening of love

I have been awakened by shattering to deep alive painful throbbing breakthrough… this happened last year…

I have been awakened by lonely yearning and carried into the bosom of God …when I was sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty … I sang for hours on end in the that time, feeling myself walking with God and singing my yearning as his praise

….but here It was not the same – I was awakened by total fulfilled yearning – it is fulfilled yearning which is love – total love

The being of all being penetrated me – like before I cried out – almost screaming …

crying out and crying out with intense pleasure and joy and holy abandon

God was taking me and I was giving myself to god and there was no I and there was no God …

too small a word is god for god –

I needed to talk – I said to her: Zeh Kol HaEmet. This is the whole truth – I promise you I promise you – this is the whole truth

– and I knew that I was not talking, that the Shechina spoke through my lips…

all of reality coursed through me – all of existence – there was no time – It is not that I moved beyond time – rather that there was no time – I was not beyond I – rather I was totally and wholly entered – penetrated by other – by reality – by being – by fulfilled yearning …

She held me through wave after wave – she was transparent invisible holy and fully present …there invisible in her presence and thus infinitely present …

my body became inert …my mind told me to come down…it felt like I would die if I did not come down…and that was good and wonderful …my body relaxed awaiting the possibility of death’s kiss

I could talk to my arm as I lay outside my body

I asked her to move my hand and to put it in her hand on my chest…it was not time to die – there is much that remains to be done… my body did not feel like it was going to die…not in a way that was frightening .

I said to her I am happy to die now ..

Yet… my mind told me to come back… that is was not time to die…that I needed to come back. I could not talk… speech was difficult but slowly coming back…

I asked…in almost inaudible tone if she could help me to descend…

As I came down arose again and came down – up and down Jacob’s ladder a text flowed through me:

“Greater is receiving the guest then receiving the face of the Shekinah”

this told me that I needed to return – that I needed to write – to eat …with my partner…the sacred meal…to learn teach Hebrew wisdom to a spiritual teacher who is my student who will come later this afternoon…

I asked her to help me down …not to let me slip away…her head moved to directly above my head – her eyes sparkled like the most clear wave of divinity – she shone full with light and purity – and I asked her to not let my eyes shut – I looked into her eyes …they were so clear and pure that instead of grounding me it convulsed me again – she was Shechina shimmering in my arms…

Yet slowly she held her gaze and touch and I came down ….came back

Nothing was the same and everything was exactly as it was…

I needed to write. I said to her: you are my eternal partner at this moment whatever the future will bring. I had returned to the personal, the infinite and gorgeous transpersonal which lies at the heart throbbing inside the person waiting desperately to be recognized and redeemed.

I wondered if I could write. I remembered the teaching of my master Mordechai Lainer of Izbica. I knew that this was the place of the Mikdash, of Hamtaka, of sweetness, and that I could write. I realize as I write now a few minutes later – that this is what he meant when he taught in secret that Mikdash consciousness is beyond even shabbot consciousness even as they are in each other

The erotic merger with the divine Shechina – that is exactly what it is – exactly – it is not a simile – it is not a literary symbol…it is mamash – literally exactly that …

Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god

That the experience of enlightenment could be so sweet

To know with absolute certainty the universe of being throbs with pleasure and beats with joy

Thank you thank you thank you God

I said at the end to her as I was coming down – if we forget – and we will forget – then let us at least commit – from this moment on – that we will always remember that we have forgotten And that will be enough.

I am in a trance as I write. I feel my foot sleeping and most of my body sleeping – I just realize now that I have fallen inside – en-trance – at the entrance

Thank you thank you Thank You

She said to me at the end – thank you It is not me that must be thanked I said And it was clear to us.