The excerpt herein is from my humor book, Oh, the Humanity! A Gentle Guide to Social Interaction for the Feeble Young Introvert, which was published in October by TOW Books. I was interviewed on this very site a few weeks ago, actually. You might find it helpful to read a conversation with a writer you've probably never heard of before diving into his equally obscure book. Sorry for the hard sell.
The portion below deals with tactics for wriggling out of deadly conversations. Some of you will find these bitterly familiar.
People Are Strange Those lyrics are most commonly associated with Jim Morrison of the Doors, and you probably know the song even if you’re not a fan of classic rock or haven’t seen the ’80s biopic starring Iceman. But people are strange, not to mention frustrating. If we all walked around in sandwich boards that revealed our inner thoughts, we would know from a distance if a woman disliked her sister-in-law or if a man had fulfilled his dream of wearing a sandwich board. Unfortunately, we usually don’t know what we’re in for until we’ve entered into a conversation, and by the time we realize that we’re in the presence of somebody we should have avoided, it’s too late. But that doesn’t mean you’re defenseless. Before we look at specific types of undesirables, let’s touch on some general strategies for extracting yourself from an unpleasant conversation.
Call upon your biological urges. You usually can’t walk away from a conversation without at least some sort of slipshod pretense, and hunger’s a good one. If someone’s wearing you down with their reminiscences of gift certificates they’ve received over the years, you can excuse yourself with, “I think I’ll get myself some of those tasty appetizers” or, “Sounds like they’re slaughtering additional chickens. I’m going back for seconds.” Unfortunately, all the other person has to do is counter with, “Delicious! I think I’ll join you” and you’re stuck. That’s where going to the bathroom comes in. It’s an incontestable excuse that begs no follow-up. It’s rare that someone declares his intention to use the facilities and in response hears, “Really? Are you a fan of toilets?” or, “Delicious! I think I’ll join you.” Of course, people are generally squeamish about bodily functions. They just don’t want to know. If you’re worried that your restroom excuse is too transparent, simply concoct something anatomically obscure and unsettling.
• “Hate to cut you off, but my membranes are lathering.” • “Sorry, I need to void my pus nodes.” • “I’ve been coughing up sussudio all week.”
Bring in a third party. Some people are so hungry for closeness that they won’t even let you get your name out before presenting you with your half of a heart locket. They exchange poems with prisoners about things like freedom and incompetent public defenders, and they’re not 100 percent sure, but they think the person who sent them an e-mail regarding “vigara schoolgirlz who wants 2 gag on your best hippo cock” is probably their soul mate. No rhetorical maneuver will detach these needy people. And yet, you’re not really special to them, either. You’re just a human who, for the moment, is keeping them from being dragged away in the undertow of their loneliness. You are easily substituted, and you can swap yourself with someone else. If you’re at a social function, it’s not difficult to find someone else, but you can’t just flag down an acquaintance and say, “Listen, Heather, I have to separate myself from this horrible, horrible person. I propose you talk to him.” The trick is to make the switch seem beneficial to both the person you’ve recruited and the person you’re retreating from. Then, as they explore their common ground, you can bow out with a clear conscience.
ALISSA: Heather, come here for a second. Remember when you studied Celtic folklore for a year in Ireland? Well, it just so happens that Brad here also spends most of his paycheck on masseuses who are willing to “finish the job.” I’ll let you two get acquainted. I’m surprised your paths haven’t crossed already.
Reinforce the positive. Even if you’re with someone who hasn’t made the best impression, it helps to end on a supportive note. You never know when you might need a professional contact or want access to someone who really frightens you. You’ll score extra points if you encourage the person in terms of something he or she mentioned earlier in the conversation:
• “Well, it was nice meeting you! Thanks for all the unsolicited recipes for placenta.” • “I’ve really enjoyed our chat! Ecoterrorism seems like a dynamic field.” • “Hey, it’s been a pleasure! I’ll be sure to pick up that DVD you recommended next time I’m in the mood to watch people old enough to be my grandparents fuck people old enough to be their grandparents.”
On that repellent note, I'll thank you for reading. (And what would any excerpt be without an Amazon link?)
Great stuff within you, guy. Ive read your own products prior to and you’re too amazing. I love what youve got the following, love what you are declaring and the way a person say it. You ensure it is entertaining and you still manage to ensure that it stays intelligent. I can’t hold out to learn a lot more of your stuff. This is often a fantastic blog.