McCain and Abel: A Biblical Parody

1 And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare McCain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD. 2 And she again bare his brother Obama. And Obama was a keeper of the law, but McCain was a fighter on the air. 3 And in process of time it came to pass, that McCain brought of the suffering from his fighting an offering unto the LORD. 4 And Obama, he also brought of the learning from the law and from the life he had led. And the LORD had respect unto Obama and to his offering, 5 but unto McCain and to his offering he had not respect. And McCain was very wroth, and his countenance fell. 6 And the LORD said unto McCain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen? 7 If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door: and unto thee shall be his desire, and thou mayest rule over him. 8 And McCain talked with Obama his brother: and it came to pass, after they were in the town hall and at the shared table, that McCain rose up against Obama his brother, and attempted to slay him with slander and suspicion. 9 And the LORD said unto McCain, Why art thou doing unto your brother as the soon-to-be burning Bush once did unto you? and where is Obama thy brother right now? And McCain said, I know not: Am I my brother’s keeper? 10 And the LORD said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother crieth unto me from around the world and my children yearneth for Obama. 11 And now art thou cursed from the air, which hath expelled the foul stench of the slander and suspicion that flowed from thy mouth against your brother. 12 When thou speakest on the air, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be on the earth, and thy talk shall no longer be straight, and disorder shall plague thy house, and thou will require more than a plumber to repair all thy damage. 13 And McCain said unto the LORD, My punishment is greater than I can bear. 14 Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond instead of a maverick and a victor; and it shall come to pass, that every one that findeth me shall slay me with slander instead of my brother and he will be President while I will be ancient and bitter and unmoored. 15 And the LORD said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth McCain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the LORD set a mark upon McCain, lest any finding him should slay him, mistaking him for a mere moose or a wayward wolf. 16 And McCain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Todd, in the frozen tundra, far beyond the east of Eden.