“Remember to Keep the ‘Fun’ in Fundamentalism!”

Mahmi— Every year I look forward to your holiday letter—and every year you do not disappoint! This may have been your best letter since ’79. (Somewhere I still have those pictures you sent of you and your college buddies playing Pin the Tail on the Camel with those silly gooses at the American Embassy.) And once again, you were wise to distribute your message to your American pen pals by way of the only remaining mass media organization not controlled by the Jews: the U.S. Postal Service. Just a couple quick thoughts on a few of this year’s items. First things first: from the picture you sent, you look fabulous! Absolutely glowing! Being a nuclear power definitely agrees with you! To answer your question: Yes, we here in the states are still talking about the decisive mid-term elections. They certainly had it coming—those far-right incompetents emboldened by their direct line to God certainly got their asses handed to them by an angry electorate. By the way, how did your recent mid-term elections turn out? You forgot to mention it in your letter.
Ok, well—how do I say this? Some of my more doctrinaire friends took issue with your keynote address at the International Conference to Review the Global Vision of the Holocaust. By the way, ever notice what happens to the narrow-minded? Their eyes move closer and closer together. Which reminds me—how are those terrible headaches you were getting? Anyway, with regard to all this Holocaust Conference heat you’ve been getting, here is my advice: Deny you were there! Deny it ever took place! Deny! Deny! Deny! It worked for Nixon (for a while). By the way… you did NOT hear this from me! If anything, I found your tone in this year’s holiday letter to be oddly conciliatory. (Whatever happened to the guy who said in his inaugural speech, “Extremism in the defense of extremism is no vice!”?) But all in all, I agree with the basic point of your letter: that there is much more that unites Am
ericans and Iranians than divides us. I mean, wasn’t the Saddam Hussein hanging the best thing you saw on YouTube this year? Amen, my brother! So until next year’s letter arrives, I wish you all the best for 2007. Remember to keep the fun in fundamentalism, and soon all your troubles will be wiped off the map. Warm personal regards, Mark P.S. I hope you enjoyed the tan Lands’ End windbreaker I sent you for Christmas last year. Have you gotten much use out of it?