Easter is the most brilliantly spooky of Christian holidays. Jesus the Zombie busts out of his grave and struts around for a couple days—some call this theology, I call it the stuff of nightmares. I prefer to think of Jesus as he was at the Sermon on the Mount, all fresh-faced and sweet. The risen dead belong in George A. Romero films, not in scripture.
But if an undead Jesus scares me, Lord help me when the Moshiach comes. Jewish eschatology involves what is possibly the weirdest End-of-Days scenario ever cooked up. And it includes lots and lots of undead Jews.
According to the Talmud, once the Moshiach bursts onto the stage like Elvis in Aloha from Hawaii, the corporeal (though badly decomposed) bodies of Jews, housed comfortably in pine boxes, or simply dead on the streets of Boca Raton if we missed the warning signs entirely, will be resurrected. According to the Midrash, the process here involves a few complex, magical steps:
- Our decomposed bodies will be flushed with the “Dew of Resurrection,” a sort of yeast of rebirth.
- Our bodies will then reform around a bone in the spine called the luz, which is generally considered to be the coccyx.
- We make time toward Israel to hook up with our souls.
The first two steps are hard to visualize. Rabbis haven’t traditionally been much help, basically saying that all will be clear once it happens. But the texts are clearer about the whole “making time towards Israel” part, and, sadly, it doesn’t involve a Lincoln Town Car.
The Talmud says resurrected Jews will literally roll their way to Israel through a series of underground tunnels and caves to be reunited with their souls, turning Israel into a frolicking undead playground. The Talmud predicts tha
t all this rolling will hurt, to say nothing of the nausea.
The only way to avoid the pain of rolling from, say, Palm Springs to Israel, is to be a righteous Jew at the time of death; though even the righteous have to wander through the tunnels and caves, which sounds messy, what with the need to sidestep the rolling (and probably vomiting) un-Orthodox masses. When everyone’s finally in Israel, the Mount of Olives will open up and resurrected Jews will stream out—presumably in search of Dramamine.
If you find all this hard to fathom, you’re not alone. The idea that Israel turns into an eternal dance sequence from the “Thriller” video has scared the hell out of me since I first encountered Ezekiel’s vision of the valley of dry bones: “Behold, I will open your grave, O My people, and I will bring you into the land of Israel. And ye shall know that I am the Lord when I have opened your graves and caused you to come up out of your graves, O My people. And I will put My spirit in you and ye shall live, and I will bring you in your own land, and ye shall know that I the Lord have spoken and performed, saith the Lord.”
If you need me, your basic bacon-eating Jew, I’ll be the one cowering in my grave, gripping a shotgun
and blasting away at the flesh-eating zombies.
The belief in resurrection likely goes back to the 4th Century B.C.E., when Jews were influenced by Babylonian concepts of religion. But it is Ezekiel’s vision that thousands of years of Jews have embraced as the definitive statement on the End of Days—though not without some discussion of the actual process, which is how we got this whole idea about rolling, with the Angel Gabriel leading the way.
Perhaps Ezekiel’s vision should be taken metaphorically. Though I’ve always been told we’d roll to Israel after death, what this really must mean is that we’ll metaphorically rise from the grave and metaphorically roll to Israel, right? Right? Right?!?
Well, no.
The Orthodox, at least, are quite literal in their belief that Jews will rise from their caskets and plunge en masse through the center of the Earth towards Israel. It is, according to Orthodox Rabbi Raleigh Resnick of AskMoses.com, one of the 13 principles of our faith.
The state of our bodies, however, is up for discussion. It’s reasonable to assume that if the power exists to resurrect the dead, the same power would exist to make us look decent, lest we live through eternity in differing states of decomposition. As a person who had hair like Robert Smith of The Cure through about 1990, I’d like to
have a choice regarding how I look. After resurrection, will I look as I do at the time of my death (probably even worse than 1990), or will I be in some perfect state of myself?
Rabbi Resnick, and Orthodoxy in general, believe that we will return in our prime, at our most vibrant, in a perfect state. This is why Jews do not typically practice cremation. To burn the body would be to desecrate it, which would prevent us from returning to the physical state, never mind the State of Israel.
This prompts a larger question: Won’t space in Israel be a little tight once all of the newly re-minted Jews take their rightful place on the 8,500 square miles of Holy Land? (And let’s not forget the issue of coordinating a few thousand years’ worth of undead Jews all the way to Israel. Last Thanksgiving, for instance, it was nearly impossible to coordinate the 14 living Jews who were coming to my house for a simple meal; I shudder to think what it would be like wrangling the totality of the Jewish dead halfway around the world.)
Fortunately, it seems like the Israel in question isn’t necessarily Israel as we know it. Rabbi Resnick says there are statements in the Midrash and also within Jewish literature which assert that the whole world will have the status of Israel, or that that the boundaries of Israel will expand to accommodate all of the Jewish people. Specifically, the Midrash teaches that in a Time to Come, “Jerusalem will diffuse its sanctity over the whole of the Land of Israel, and the Land of Israel will diffuse its sanctity over the whole world.” Should this come to pass, rolling to Israel should be a significantly less trying ordeal—what without the oceans, mountains, and molten center of the Earth to contend with—though there’s nothing in the literature which makes note of auxiliary Mounts of Olives opening up worldwide.
But as the rabbis say, we’ll know when it happens. I recommend brushing up on your somersaults and investing in some knee and elbow pads; it could be a long journey.
Goldberg, P.I. would like to thank Rabbi Raleigh Resnick and Rabbi Mayer Green. Other sources include To Live and Live Again, by Rabbi Nissan Dovid Dubov, and Holy Mountain: Two Paths to One God by Raphael H. Levine.
Got a Jewish question? Send it to goldbergpi@jewcy.com.
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keabirl 5052189a2a https://wakelet.com/wake/7PkSSGyOkeD0SCJwe-bXP
latsale 5052189a2a https://wakelet.com/wake/p1Kw3d8jKRd0MUYukpp9v
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dorlau 5052189a2a http://raitinog.yolasite.com/resources/microsoft-mappoint-2013-keygen.pdf
flakhar 5052189a2a https://wakelet.com/wake/oEltviVL-ENX048WCbgaY
wasiper 5052189a2a https://wakelet.com/wake/sXgh8k8mDotbHVG7E0duc
andrburt f50e787ee1 https://wakelet.com/wake/HCIWM9zFHI35h6TxbYL-H
maribr f50e787ee1 https://wakelet.com/wake/jflM79-RS403gijdVSrtM
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vyrnimm f50e787ee1 https://wakelet.com/wake/Bip2yDaMod7HcQwTBpuQs
olamcat f50e787ee1 https://wakelet.com/wake/vsyYIsHVBisVl69k66ia5
yarsham f50e787ee1 https://wakelet.com/wake/vfG6aWeivdJSdfKzWwbiF
heaquy f50e787ee1 https://wakelet.com/wake/WmkfIylMRiDm4-wG4y1LG
chrxilo f50e787ee1 https://wakelet.com/wake/ZEYiREtLgWGB4iv_yni8I
sigbel f50e787ee1 https://wakelet.com/wake/SOumPFdtfspEr7n8BE_V9
chanpal f50e787ee1 https://wakelet.com/wake/5B-RgA2wLPJLbRDVpmRFn
selkae f50e787ee1 https://wakelet.com/wake/_k9z69iGHPTezCfPBz0n4
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salgem f50e787ee1 https://wakelet.com/wake/QnlfnD9Hans47abAEZkj3
denmari f50e787ee1 https://wakelet.com/wake/1GeKysozaBK8JaRkJd8qf
iaksyl f50e787ee1 https://wakelet.com/wake/fiqkxnuLmy42orAfLNNtJ
calken f50e787ee1 https://wakelet.com/wake/ASMlmjiuSTyj1iuD35HM0
latyoo f50e787ee1 https://wakelet.com/wake/Qpf6Gu20Mf5cwTmbfGwsC
ottmjon f50e787ee1 https://wakelet.com/wake/yeK-TkeoVeU5C-_6a1YDE
fluyama f50e787ee1 https://wakelet.com/wake/HUMLsqZS33DRjrJP15mOT
marjan 00291a3f2f https://wakelet.com/wake/aVlb2REKWST6WWbUoGYry
deldav 00291a3f2f https://trello.com/c/GdujZaJI/134-download-instahack-instagram-account-hacking-software-v-4414-windows-x32-full-version-verification-code
giljal f6d93bb6f1 https://www.guilded.gg/amsunkenntas-Cadets/overview/news/KR2Ewn0y
taimwen f6d93bb6f1 https://www.guilded.gg/elgroovenes-Mavericks/overview/news/r6Bp8koR
wonodyl f6d93bb6f1 https://www.guilded.gg/pilwhistterris-Cavaliers/overview/news/7lxd2eml
etieanse f6d93bb6f1 https://www.guilded.gg/nyouconnetis-Flyers/overview/news/jyPMLerR
uhiljan f6d93bb6f1 https://coub.com/stories/4786210-astro-vision-lifesign-mini-for-zip-full-64-license-utorrent-keygen-latest-macos
aidrman f6d93bb6f1 https://www.guilded.gg/akverdicas-Creed/overview/news/9yWjWpX6
elioly fe9c53e484 https://public.flourish.studio/story/1328605/
trudler fe9c53e484 https://wakelet.com/wake/5uucKxKh7WYoU79XMJPwM
padmpans fe9c53e484 https://coub.com/stories/4953347-descargar-space-exodus-version-completa-gratuita
dagmlavr fe9c53e484 https://marketplace.visualstudio.com/items?itemName=1vibiosamwa.Lost-Home—Battle-Of-Island-gratuita-2021
denlat fe9c53e484 https://public.flourish.studio/story/1286420/
nantwat fe9c53e484 https://wakelet.com/wake/q_MtmoyuZosxwxrfIHkiM
seangay fe9c53e484 https://trello.com/c/A0r5FwiW/60-venice-2089-versi%C3%B3n-completa-gratuita-2022
saegjenk fe9c53e484 https://trello.com/c/NwqryCMc/49-descargar-halloween-world-versi%C3%B3n-completa
lawrpri fe9c53e484 https://wakelet.com/wake/2XGXoV3kH760qo47lKsmV
quanane baf94a4655 https://coub.com/stories/4924439-descargar-survival-driver-version-completa-gratuita
elizori baf94a4655 https://trello.com/c/nGzj0uXN/38-super-neo-tanks-versi%C3%B3n-completa-gratuita
ilecorr baf94a4655 https://www.guilded.gg/partsicdopars-Bearcats/overview/news/V6XDvWo6
ujahauk baf94a4655 https://coub.com/stories/4899639-vitatio-2-gratuita-2021
zemgar baf94a4655 https://coub.com/stories/4929703-descargar-xando-xtreme-amp-over-the-top-version-completa-gratuita-2022
nedvinc baf94a4655 https://coub.com/stories/4947939-the-oracle-land-version-pirateada-2022
pipnic baf94a4655 https://coub.com/stories/4938644-descargar-hoppup-version-pirateada-2022
vancas baf94a4655 https://coub.com/stories/4946905-descargar-nainai-u2019s-recipe-version-completa-2021
berdala baf94a4655 https://coub.com/stories/4939891-descargar-impossamole-gratuita
chanvai baf94a4655 https://coub.com/stories/4930108-descargar-across-version-completa-gratuita
shoyule baf94a4655 https://coub.com/stories/4949023-descargar-samurai-gunn-2-version-completa-gratuita
wenzwhyt baf94a4655 https://www.guilded.gg/tiokakelwis-Titans/overview/news/Plq3anXy
darzav baf94a4655 https://coub.com/stories/4947933-ul-version-completa
millayd baf94a4655 https://www.guilded.gg/discsinnannres-Platoon/overview/news/9loMoKqy
vivrem baf94a4655 https://trello.com/c/DN5DTDRg/129-descargar-super-snow-fight-versi%C3%B3n-pirateada
yurcmanu baf94a4655 https://trello.com/c/JLuwAoUm/51-descargar-skyscrappers-versi%C3%B3n-completa-gratuita
vyngeni baf94a4655 https://www.guilded.gg/newshardnoncdis-Flyers/overview/news/D6KAEAkR
halgas baf94a4655 https://trello.com/c/sr5qTXbs/46-descargar-dead-groundz-versi%C3%B3n-completa
jaiobad baf94a4655 https://trello.com/c/KumdBQkz/105-descargar-tobit-versi%C3%B3n-completa
walbran baf94a4655 https://marketplace.visualstudio.com/items?itemName=sumpphotipu.Intergalactic-Traveler–The-Omega-Sector-gratuita-2022
pattindy baf94a4655 https://www.guilded.gg/zerfireavers-Flyers/overview/news/4lGA1YPy
eldrgera baf94a4655 https://www.guilded.gg/wyddpotafleas-Chargers/overview/news/KR2EvkOy
randtal baf94a4655 https://coub.com/stories/4899311-racing-glider-version-completa-gratuita-2021
chatdan baf94a4655 https://coub.com/stories/4930175-descargar-ballistic-version-completa-2022
vissaeg baf94a4655 https://coub.com/stories/4948151-descargar-cursed-castilla-maldita-castilla-ex-version-pirateada
arctan baf94a4655 https://coub.com/stories/4918186-descargar-mr-parkour-gratuita
maumasc baf94a4655 https://www.guilded.gg/navsrapbellmings-Company/overview/news/GRm3Znd6
manvas baf94a4655 https://www.guilded.gg/bangmapjuststeps-Beavers/overview/news/GRm3dwd6
bergold a60238a8ce https://coub.com/stories/4891154-skydrift-infinity
freyattl a60238a8ce https://coub.com/stories/4891716-ul
xanbeno a60238a8ce https://www.guilded.gg/tenscomneyfulls-League/overview/news/gy8kMx06
carvbev a60238a8ce https://coub.com/stories/4887221-grand-tactician-the-civil-war-1861-1865-2020
warvya a60238a8ce https://coub.com/stories/4883509-luna-shattered-hearts-episode-1
zildar a60238a8ce https://www.guilded.gg/cokapabars-Braves/overview/news/xypnVKnl
urzeras a60238a8ce https://www.guilded.gg/cosredejens-Cobras/overview/news/9yWjYA86
evakeal 252cdf86af https://marketplace.visualstudio.com/items?itemName=sumpcynia-e.Play-Gta-V-Exe-Crack-Download-UPD-A
oh well, chris rock is damn funny. i like his corny jokes and stuffs..
I’m impressed, I have to admit. Actually rarely can i encounter a blog that’s both educative and entertaining, and without a doubt, you’ve got hit the nail to the head. Your concept is outstanding; ab muscles an issue that not enough people are speaking intelligently about. I will be delighted that we stumbled across this within my seek out something about it.
Also, weblog frequently and with interesting material to keep individuals interested in coming back and checking for updates.
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