You Americans and your peculiar ways. Your “World Series” that no-one else is invited to, your wacky efforts at global policing (much appreciated, by the way), your utter inability correctly to pronounce the word “aluminium”, your insistence on using the abbreviation 9/11 that, everywhere else in the world, refers to the ninth of November. I don’t point out these foibles in the spirit of mockery, you understand, but of gentle ribbing, as two old friends might engage in banter during a drunken evening down the pub.
Anyway, one of the things that amuses us over here (and by ‘us’ I mean those of us who consider the USA to be a friend, ally and brother nation greatly to be admired, not the pseudo-intellectual, Gauloise-puffing Communists whom you’d no more trust to stand and fight by your side than you would not to shag your wife while you were out of town) is the American belief system that places USA! USA! at the centre of the known universe, no matter what the context. Take this unintentionally hilarious comment from Condi Rice the other day, explaining why Cal Ripken is to be a “Special Sports Envoy” for the State Department:
"Sports is a universal language… Everybody knows that if you can play baseball like Cal Ripken then you're going to… have the world at your feet… So he's going to go out and I'll bet he'll find people who want to be Cal Ripken in Pakistan and people who want to be Cal Ripken in Guatemala and people who want to be Cal Ripken in Europe…"
There are, as has been pointed out elsewhere, a number of levels on which this is horseshit. Leaving aside the inherent absurdity of sending a millionaire sportsman to lecture Pakistani kids on the benefits of a strong work ethic, there’s a bigger problem here. No offence, but the vast, vast majority of us do not have a bloody clue who Cal Ripken is. (I’ve been typing “Carl” for the last couple of minutes and didn’t notice my mistake.) You may doubt this, but I can assure you it is true. The overwhelming mass of humanity had never heard of OJ before he did not murder his ex-wife, or Kobe Bryant before he did not rape that girl. Barry Bonds could walk down any street in Johannesburg, Delhi or Melbourne unnoticed. Ronaldinho or Zidane would be utterly mobbed.
My point is not that American sports are (basketball aside) all but unplayed in other parts of the world (though they're not); it is, rather, to note with interest the mindset that goes with being the biggest and most powerful country in the world, and how different it is from that of other nations. It simply didn’t occur to Condi – an intelligent and well-travelled woman – that she might be talking out of her arse. Why would it? After all, most American celebrities find themselves recognised throughout the world. Angelina and Britney don’t need surnames to identify them in Lahore any more than they do in LA. America’s ‘soft’ power is an awesome, unprecedented global phenomenon; no wonder so many resent it. So the exceptions are all the more striking for being so rare. I wonder how an NFL star feels when he walks through the streets of a major European city and no-one gives him a second look. I wonder if he loves it or, secretly, hates every second.
The British are often accused of behaving like we still ruled the waves, and perhaps on one level it’s true. For my part, I’m pretty sure we know that our place in the world is much diminished; billions of acres of print have been expended on analysing the way our national psyche has changed since the days of Empire, and how we've adapted to our more humble station in life. But once upon a while we were the most powerful nation on Earth, just as you are now, and it shaped our national character irrevocably, just as it continues to shape yours. Once we were knocked off our perch we found it hard to adjust; in many ways, 100 years on, we still do. I hope America is top dog for a long time to come, because none of the alternatives are very palatable; but one day she won’t be, and I wonder how Americans will react to the changed realities of that time.
Still, for real arrogance, we must all, always, defer to our politicians. Rudy Giuliani took solipsism to a whole new level yesterday when he proudly announced to astonished London journalists that he was one of the four or five most famous Americans in the world. I wonder which of the cast of Friends he thinks he slipped in ahead of?
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