Public Dating, Secret Boyfriends, and Consent

In light of yesterday’s post I’ve been thinking about dating and some particularly Jewish dating problems. (Because it’s not like I ever think about dating without some kind of professional prompt). Anyway, one of the things that I’ve found to be really important to me when I’m dating someone is intense privacy. I have probably had more than my fair share of secret boyfriends, and though sometimes it was because going public would have upset our families or friends, more often it was simply because we wanted to get to know each other and spend time with each other without the pressure that so often comes with dating, especially in the Jewish community, where a singleton can’t walk three steps without someone asking if they’re seeing anyone, and if they’d maybe like to meet my nephew, he’s a dentist and he went to Princeton…. I don’t know about others, but having my community constantly scrutinizing who I go out with, and how often, is demoralizing and embarrassing, and generally cancels out any romance that might have existed. It’s not that I don’t appreciate that people want to fix me up, because I really am flattered and often interested in meeting the men that are suggested. But if the date is going to have to exist within this critical mass of public scrutiny, I’m not interested. It’s interesting, because there are places you can go—in Israel especially, though obviously this happens anywhere there’s a big Orthodox community—to watch young frum couples on shidduch dates. These dates are held exclusively in very public venues, like hotel lobbies, under the watchful eyes of other couples, and various community members. The idea is that nothing should become private until a couple is actually married. Until that point, everything should be open for conversation. While I see how that works in the most observant communities, it’s simply unmanageable for me. I cannot focus enough on someone in a public setting like a lobby, or even a bar, to know if I want to spend more time with them. Privacy has always been such a big part of my life, and so it’s a part of my dating life, too. I have to make a small investment of privacy in someone before I decide if a bigger investment is worth my time. I recognize that this is completely against the haredi view of dating, and perhaps even to halacha (I don’t know enough about yichud to make this call, but I suspect my preference is not halachic) but it’s the reality of the way I deal with relationships. And I think it mirrors the way I operate with God, too. I often prefer to daven alone simply because I want to have some privacy with God. This isn’t the case with everyone, but next time you’re talking to a young single friend about how his last date went, think about taking a step back, and allowing him to process things without the community’s input. There’s a lot of time in a good relationship for engagement with community, but I wish we gave young people a little more agency when they’re making choices. It seems, ultimately, like the responsible thing to do. In keeping with the theme of a lack of privacy inhibiting people from getting to know each other, here’s an awesome short video about lawyers, sex and consent.