Comment of the Week: Sex is Taboo But Dating Isn’t

On Monday I wrote about how single people are sick of being told to shack up, and tarfon responded:

Yes to everything you say, except the last point. Asking whether X is dating anyone is not at all the same as asking how much sex X is having. It's OK to ask X whether he/she's dating someone, but it's not OK to ask what they do after the dates.

But you're absolutely right that married folks need to invite singles over (and to accept return invitations) more than they do. Single folks are part of the community and should be treated as such.

Specifically, tarfon is referring to the final paragraph of my post:

So today’s practical spiritual advice is to first invite the singles that you know over more, and second to stop bugging them about their love life. Do they ask about how much sex you’re having with your partner? If not, then you don’t get to ask if they’re dating someone, and if not, why not.

Initially I tried to clarify my point with tarfon, and considered that I hadn’t thought out my position particularly carefully, but the more thought I gave it the more I agreed with myself. Relationship information is just not something that can or should be asked about in a public setting. Whether or not I’m dating someone is just none of the business of anyone at shul. I can ask about someone’s wife because it’s public knowledge that he’s married, but I wouldn’t dream of asking anyone but the closest friend about how the relationship is going in any specific way, and that’s because putting someone on the spot can be humiliating or just plain unpleasant. For everything that Jewish law says about modesty there is a pretty shocking lack of privacy for most people who are dating or thinking about dating, and I find that really offensive and sad. The issue is mostly the people who want to know if you’re dating because they have an opinion on the matter—your hair is the problem, this is the wrong city for single Jewish girls, you’re not mature enough, have you met my nephew Max?—but the people who think that it’s just pleasant conversation over kichel at Kiddush are equally frustrating. Does a person who’s single want to have to reiterate their status ten times every Shabbat? Probably not. And even if he has started dating someone, is it something he necessarily wants to chat about with the gabbai? Unlikely. Please people, watch what you say to us single people. At the very least you should expect that we’re writing about you on our blogs, criticizing your nosy ways and your bad manners.