Definitely Not Good For the Jews

You know what makes me a little nauseous? This article from the Columbia Spectator:

Students Balance Homework, Husbands By Laura Schreiber

In October 2003, first-year Miriam Casper, BC ’07, hit it off with a guy she met at a friend’s party on the roof of Woodbridge Hall. A year later, she married him and moved to Queens. After 18 months, she gave birth to her son Benjamin.

One week later, she graduated magna cum laude.

Most students at Barnard and Columbia College will spend their undergraduate years exploring varying levels of relationships and intimacy. But for a number of orthodox Jewish students, tying the knot while in college is the norm.

“I always hoped by the time I graduated college, I would be married, be engaged, or be dating someone I knew I wanted to marry,” said Molly Elkins, BC ’08, who married last month and moved to Washington Heights with her husband.

For Yael Hall, BC ’10, who is preparing for her January wedding, marriage came sooner than expected. “I was the last person anyone would think would be getting married,” Hall said. “I got really rude responses from friends who knew me like that, saying, ‘Wow, I really didn’t think you’d be one of the first ones to go.’”

While living in Cathedral Gardens may seem like a trek, married students commute from as far as New Jersey. According to Hillel Rabbi David Almog, marriage presents a disruption of a student’s college experience.

“In college … friends really do become your family,” Almog said. “There’s a severe rupture that happens, when somebody gets married, of that bond.”

Rachel Fischer, BC ’08, who married last year, agreed that one of the hardest parts of matrimony was giving up campus connections.

“I definitely miss … that environment where you’re always with people doing the same things,” said Fischer, who lives in New Jersey. “Everyone has midterms, everyone has finals, everyone’s in library.”

Elkins said she accepted that marriage meant giving up certain aspects of her old social life, including spending less time with her friends. Marriage was a possibility she kept in the back of her mind from the beginning of college, though it did not dictate her plans.

“On some level it focuses you,” said Michelle Friedman, BC ’74 and a psychiatrist who counsels observant Jewish women. “If you’re a pre-med person you know what courses you take. If you want to get married, you focus on that. Finding a spouse is like finding a job.”

For Fischer, who is currently applying to law school, her time at Barnard was often a tough balancing act between family obligations and career aspirations.

“There’s always the constant temptation of ‘forget school, who cares? I’m married. … What would be the difference?’” Fischer said. “But I can’t give up that aspect of my life. I couldn’t give up those goals.”

Yet some students feel no qualms prioritizing family life over college. “Marriage is much better than education and academics,” Elkins said. “I wasn’t going to push off my wedding six months to do a little bit better in all my classes. I live life and go to school, but I don’t let it conflict with celebrations or anything like that. That’s the wrong perspective for school.”

Friedman said it could be tricky for college women to balance the more traditional values of the orthodox community with contemporary careers, noting that going back and forth between traditional gender roles and modern college life is sometimes confusing.

Full story Because I know one of the people quoted in the article I’m not going to go into what parts in particular test my gag reflex, but as a rule, this whole thing is grotesque. It’s cute that the spectator assumes that all the girls who get married in college will continue to come to classes and be enrolled. I bet there are a reasonable number who pretty much drop out after their wedding and/or the birth of their first child. And hey, I think it’s fine if that’s what these women want to do. I mean, they’re not my priorities, but they’re certainly valid ones. What makes me crazy, though, is the idea that these guys are concerned about women who want to have careers. What is scary about that? Does extra money for vacation really intimidate people that much? Or savings to pay for day school? Or a nicer apartment? I don’t actually think Orthodox men are as shallow as this article makes them out to be, but man, this really makes me want to smack something. If you fall in love with someone, and they fall in love with you, and you happen to be 19, or 20, or 21, I don’t have any problem with you getting married. But when girls are rushing through school to get to marriage, or are dropping careers that they’ve spent years training for because the community is pushing people to get married young, we have seriously fucked up our priorities somewhere. Not cool, people. Not. Cool.