Lies, Damned Lies, and Things You Tell Your Family

You know that game ‘Two Truths and a Lie’? When I play I always cheat and make up all three stories to see which story people can’t bring themselves to believe. I’m interested in what people want to believe, which I guess is part of why I’m in a fiction writing program. Last night I was thinking about the ways that we lie to people, and why we do it. It occurred to me that generally, when I lie, it’s so I can tell people what I know they want to hear. This is especially true in religious settings. If I’m in a super-frum environment I automatically switch into a false persona. I play by the rules and imply that I’m always that way, which of course isn’t the case. I do it for a few reasons, I guess, but mainly because I want to be taken seriously and not preached to. If I admitted that I kiss boys and wear pants and daven in a minyan without a mechitza I would horrify everyone, and subject myself to all kinds of lectures I don’t care to listen to. (And I’m not talking about lies of omission, here. I will straight up tell people that I’m much frummer than I am.) I’m not saying it’s okay to lie in this scenario, but I do it, and don’t anticipate stopping anytime soon. So when is it okay to lie? There are only three instances where Jewish law sanctions lying: 1) You’re supposed to lie to an ugly bride and tell her she’s beautiful even if she’s hideous. 2) If you stay with a friend, and afterwards someone asks you how well you were treated you’re allowed to lie and say it wasn’t good so that the friend won’t be inundated with guests. 3) If a prestigious Torah scholar asks if you’re familiar with a certain text or idea you’re allowed to lie and say you aren’t so that you have an opportunity to learn with the scholar even if you’ve already studied the section he or she wants to discuss. What’s interesting about this is that in all three cases you’re lying for someone else’s benefit (the third is questionable, I admit, but definitely the first two). If telling the truth is going to cause someone to feel bad about themselves (“Your wedding dress makes you look kind of fat”) or is going to cause someone else major inconvenience (“You should stay with Rivky! She made me breakfast in bed, and threw a party for me, and makes the best brisket…”) then we’re supposed to lie. It’s pretty tempting to use this to justify all kinds of lying, under the guise of, “She’d be so hurt if she knew the truth.” Unfortunately, lying can also be considered theft, and one of the major categories of theft is the theft of knowledge. Lying can be thought of as stealing information. So if my little cousin asks if I’ve ever dated a non-Jew, is it stealing information if I say no? Or is it saving her (and her mother) from being all upset about how poorly I’ve turned out?