Making Frumkeit Sexy

I spend a lot of time thinking about how one can make being Jewish look good. Because the thing is, I’m always Jewish, and I’d like to be considered a cool girl, a woman with intellect, style and sex appeal.  But balancing that with halacha, fashion and contemporary life is hard. For some girls the hardest part is choosing what to wear—skirts only, or sometimes pants, elbows covered or not, collarbone covered or not, etc—since so much of how we’re perceived is based on how we look. But for others it’s more than that. Is it intimidating or awesome to know that the person you’re dating prays three times a day and only eats kosher food? Is it cool to be friends with someone who feels a really strong connection and commitment to his community, so much so that he will follow rules he doesn’t even agree with because the community says so? Does it get you all hot and bothered that your partner can read and translate a page of dense Aramaic text written by a bunch of rabbis more than a thousand years ago? I actually think there is something sexy about an Orthodox lifestyle. It seems to be full of secrets and curtains, and even marriage has a kind of illicit feel to it when you’re forbidden from touching each other for weeks at a time. But while I find it to be a huge turn on if a guy can read Torah well, I’m not interested in partnering up with a man who wants to settle down in Scarsdale, buy me a wig and get me pregnant once a year for a decade. There are things about the frum lifestyle that I find attractive, but being obligated to it is a whole different ballgame. I guess the question is: Is it possible to be sexy and committed to Judaism at the same time? If sexiness is about more than just the accessories of clothing and setting and community, what is it, and how do we get it? Obviously the answer is going to be different for different people, but I think one of the ways where Orthodoxy goes wrong, and where a lot of people get frustrated with religious life, is in its insistence on ignoring or quelling desire. Time and time again the rabbis warn against dangerous desires, and each time I come across that lesson I wish there was a little footnote on how to accept the desire without acting on it. It might be inappropriate to do something, it might be a bad idea, or a poor decision, or just plain wrong. But denying the desire for it isn’t helpful. For a long time I had a crush on a guy who was (and pretty much still is) much too frum for me. I spent a lot of time thinking about how irritated I was at halacha, and generally feeling uninspired and angry at God. I had this daydream where he had a major crisis of faith, and left the observant community, at which point I would finally get to make out with him. But one day I was talking to the guy in question, and he told me he was really interested in me, but he knew he wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship I’d want, so he didn’t think we should be together. That comment was simultaneously incredibly sexy, and comforting and strong. I didn’t feel any more urges to break him away from his community or lifestyle. I had a much greater respect for him afterwards, and certainly an even greater desire. I know that for some people this could only be even more frustrating, but I think it’s actually a really constructive and good idea, and I wish it was something the frum community could embrace, instead of just slamming us over the head with rules about skirt length and shomer negiah every forty-five seconds.