Mitzvah of the Week: Visiting the Sick

I’m back in Chicago for the weekend, hanging out with my mother, who just had major surgery. She’s had tons of support from the community, family and friends from across the street and across the planet. One of the things that has been most impressive to me is the way that people have been coming out to do bikkur cholim, the mitzvah of visiting the sick. The Midrash famously says that when you visit the sick you alleviate one sixtieth of his pain (Leviticus Rabba 34), but as far as I can tell, some visits can be much more helpful than that, and some can be less. Here are my tips for visiting the sick, and some links to other useful sites. 1. Call before you come The sick person may be sleeping or with doctors if you just stop by, plus knowing that someone is coming keeps the patient excited and anticipatory. 2. Don’t stay long (unless you’re asked to) Sick people generally need to sleep a lot, and they are often weaker than usual. Even if they want to see you and have a long chat, it may not be possible. Plan on stopping by for no more than half an hour. Sometimes fifteen minutes will be the limit, and sometimes less, but even if it’s a very short visit it’s still very meaningful. 3. If you’re bringing a gift, bring something appropriate Gift shops are not the best place to get gifts for someone who is ill. Tchotchkes are just not that useful, whereas an Audiobook or CD might be nice for someone who’s bedridden. Books and games that are small and can be played sitting down in a chair are great, and so are snacks that are bite-sized and thus don’t require a fork and knife. You may want to find out if there’s something specific that may be helpful for someone with that specific illness. My mom is obsessed with her healing threads shirt, which is great for anyone who’s had a mastectomy. 4. Offer to help with concrete tasks If you’re feeling awkward about what you’re going to talk about when you visit, offer to help out with specific things. “Hey, would you like me to clean out your refrigerator?” “Does Rufus need a walk?” “Would you like me to program your VCR so it records Grey’s Anatomy?” Small helpful things that will give you something to do, and will be great for the patient. 5. Don’t be offended if the person you’re visiting is acting differently Sickness affects people in a variety of ways, including psychologically. If your friend or family member is usually bubbly and talkative, but is suddenly quiet without much to say, don’t be offended or alarmed. Recovery is a long process, and it has a lot of stages and it does change people. Especially don’t be offended if your friend does something they’ve never done before, like ask you to leave so they can go to sleep, or tells you they just don’t want visitors. Trust that they’re doing what’s best for them, and try again later. For more tips and info on Bikkur cholim, check out MyJewishLearning’s page which has their own longer and much more comprehensive list of tips.