More On Modesty- When Covering Up Brings Unwanted Attention

I was at a simcha recently where I met a woman wearing the nicest sheitel I have ever seen. You know the Pantene Pro-V commercials with the ridiculously gorgeous hair? This was like that. I half expected a voiceover to tell me about all the multivitamins that made her hair shine. I was incredibly jealous (though her hair was kind of auburn, and thus had nothing on my purple. But let me tell you, purple hair at a frum wedding—AWKWARD. And yes, I know I made my bed and I’m happy to lie in it most of the time, but perhaps not while chatting with the principal of my Orthodox high school. Anyway). Every month or two I have a conversation with someone about how beautiful wigs are these days, and how it defeats the purpose of covering one’s hair to begin with. This is, of course, an accepted halachic view, with plenty of proponents. That said, I also think it’s weird that we should tell women that when they get married they must have dull drab wigs, or frumpy hats. Surely we’re supposed to look nice without being overly provocative, right? This view is propagated in an Ohr Somayach Ask the Rabbi column. It starts out sane, and then goes nuts:

What about wigs? Actually, there are Poskim who forbid wigs. Most people today however follow the opinion that wigs do indeed fulfill the Torah's requirement for a married woman to cover her hair. After all, her hair is covered, and if her wig is in keeping with the societal standards of modesty, then it is OK for her to wear it.

Here’s the crazy part:

Certainly one reason for modesty is in order not to act in a way that is suggestive or alluring. But any behavior which stands out, as if to say "Look at me" is a lack of modesty. For instance, if mid-calf skirts are in style, someone who wears a floor length skirt, thinking she's being "more" modest, might actually be doing the opposite. By being different from everyone else, she actually calls attention to herself!

Being different is wrong. Being different, even if it means being ‘”more” modest’ is apparently against the rules. This makes me want to throw something. It seems like there’s no way to win! Modesty has come to mean blending into the background at any expense. And frankly, if all we need to do is conform to societal standards, there’s no reason why collarbones and knees can’t be bared. I mean, the vast majority of the Western world is doing it, right? I was thinking about this as I read an article about Muslim women in the Washington Post:

Women the world over find veil limits job choice

By Deena Hussein

DUBAI (Reuters) – Aysha Obeid couldn't get a job as a shop assistant in Dubai because of the veil that covered her face, exposing only her eyes to the outside world. So to improve her employment prospects, Obeid stopped wearing the veil.

"No one takes women with niqab in the retail sector," said Obeid, 22.

While women who cover up for their faith may expect problems getting some kinds of work outside the Muslim world, those in the region also say they have trouble getting jobs — particularly ones requiring them to interact with the public.

Full story What’s so interesting about this story is that the very nature of the story—Hey look! Women who want to wear hardcore veils can’t find jobs!—is immodest according to the Ohr Somayach. Calling these women out seems to challenge their modesty. But what it really does is discuss how difficult it is to live according to certain communities’ standards of modesty. I’m still sorting through how I feel about all this, but I wanted to get the discussion going about how modest is too modest (does such a thing exist?) and where and when it’s okay to stand out and be different.