The Perils of Inter(denominational) Dating

This morning I was reading an article in the New York Times about women who don’t like dating men who make much less money than they do because it makes for an awkward–or at the very least unromantic–dynamic. The article ends with the following little date anecdote:

Unyi Agba, 27, an advertising executive with a small firm in Boston, almost always dates professional men, but when she goes out with someone earning less money, there is tension. “This is a topic that’s traveled in my own female circles a lot in the last year,” she said. Across a restaurant table with a man who earns less, “it’s never explicitly said, but there are nuances,” she said. “Things are said like, ‘Boy I’m going to be really broke after this dinner.’ " And her response? “Silence.”

Full story I was thinking about this because in my dating life it’s generally not the income that’s an issue so much as the particular level of religiosity or observance. The awkward silences that happen on my dates aren’t because of financial discrepancies, they’ll be because he’ll say something like, “I’m so excited to go to the Titans game on Saturday morning,” and I’ll have nothing add, since I’m going to spending Saturday morning at shul. This is something that doesn’t get discussed much, but that is a real and frustrating issue for most singles I know. The pressure is on to find a Nice Jewish Partner, and everyone acts like it’s as easy as joining JDate, but the truth is that even a Nice Jewish Boy from the Upper West Side might not be a good match for me if he’s particularly invested in going to a lot of Big Ten football games, or even if he just hates ever going to synagogue. And a superfrum black hat guy from Monsey probably wouldn’t be happy with me and my jeans and non shomer-negiah lifestyle. People like to downplay this as an issue, but the more time I spend in the dating circuit the more I notice how tough it is, especially for people who really are engaged with Jewish life in any substantial way, to find someone who even approaches their level of observancy. And honestly if you find someone who you really like but who doesn’t jive with the standards you’ve set for yourself, I don’t know of any resources or groups you can join to help figure out how to deal with that situation, even though it can be as challenging for you and your partner as it would be if one of you wasn’t Jewish. I’d say it even has potential to be more problematic than dating a non-Jew, because I think a lot of times in those situations the non-Jewish person doesn’t feel like they could be being judged or ridiculed for not participating in a ritual or joining an organization. As a goy, they’re exempt. But if I was dating a Jewish guy and he saw that I was keeping Shabbat, and wouldn’t eat meat in non kosher restaurants, he would be justified in being annoyed that I’m ruining his plans for crazy nights at the bars downtown, or forcing him to change reservations so we don’t eat at a steak house. I mean, he's Jewish and he's not staying in. And I would be justified in being annoyed that he doesn’t want to come to shul with me. I don’t know what the solution to this is, other than only dating people whose religious lives are already really similar to yours, and I know that in any relationship there are going to be some discrepancies between how observant the two parties are and are willing to become. I’m just saying, no one ever talks about how hard it can be¬–even when you’re only dating Jews—to find someone who is really on the same spiritual and religious plane as you are. I’ve dated nonJews and never missed Shacharit, and I’ve dated Jews and had them convince me to come with them to a bar on Shabbat and they would just pay for my drinks. I’m not saying either of those were good relationships to begin with, I just think that if we’re going to push Jewish dating so hard we should have some contingency plans for couples that don’t belong to the same movement.