How to Meet Jewish Girls in Israel and New York (in 15 Steps)

1. Move from New York City to Israel – Tel Aviv, to be exact. Board a bus driven by a bearded maniac; a wild-eyed, bearded maniac with hair sprouting uncontrollably from his knuckles.  He’ll look like Mandy Patinkin, back when Mandy did a Yiddish album and grew a long beard for the cover photo…only hairier 2. Hairy Mandy will think it fun to race his accordion-style bus going 240 MPH down the tiny one-way streets of Tel Aviv. Yeah Mandy, that’s fun. You have other ideas about what’s fun – like making up words to The Daily Show theme song. As the bus careens this way and that, struggle to keep your balance as you stand clutching a pole. All the while, eye a beautiful, curly-black-haired, dark-skinned local girl. Decide she looks like a Sagit, or maybe a Dorit, or perhaps a Galit…no, she’s definitely a Hagit. 3. Hagit will smile at you as you lose your balance and slam into an elderly Russian babushka. Curse hairy Mandy left right and center as you fight to regain your own center. 4.  Ten minutes later, notice Hagit, still smiling. Wonder if she’s just a girl that can’t help but smile all the time or if she’s flirting with you. 5. Think you’re about to lose your lunch as the bus flies up to your stop. It will never actually stop, of course, but merely slow down just long enough for you to hop off. As you do so, notice Hagit getting off too. Get up the nerve to say "hi" as she comes up behind you. She’ll hear your accent. "You’re American?" she’ll ask, like she’s never actually seen one before. 6. Make small talk with Hagit. Learn her name is actually Sagit. When she asks what you do for a living, accidentally tell her that you’re a professional napkin. When she laughs, explain that your Hebrew sucks and switch to English 7. Be taken aback for a moment when Hagit beats you to the punch and asks for your number. Take hers too and enter it into your cell phone. If you don’t have a cell phone, you’re not living in Israel. Go back to #1 and repeat until you get it right. 8. After a couple years, move back to New York. That is, after you’ve dated at least six of the IT variations — Ashrit, Irit, Shulamit, Idit, Nurit, and Kalanit. The language barrier, you’ve concluded, while cute, can’t be overcome. (Once you asked Nurit, wait – was it Sarit? — what she was doing in the bathroom and she said, "washing my tooth.") 9. Aside from the new Anne Taylor store on Madison and 47th, New York won’t have changed one bit. Be happy for the stability. Take long walks through Greenwich Village. Pass a film crew doing a movie shoot in Washington Square Park. Hope that some gaffer, grip or other minor pass-wielding hipster will notice you and ask you to be Ben Stiller’s double. Better yet, fantasize about being Ben Stiller’s double and doing such a wonderful job that you’re noticed and asked to play your own part in the film. Take it one step further. You’re at the Academy Awards. Now you’re accepting an Oscar: thank your parents, your best friend, your agent, but not God. Well, perhaps God, but use the word Ha-shem instead. People will think you’re cool, like when Madonna went and got all Kabala on everyone. 10. Leave the park and head south toward Tribeca. Stop in a small ‘mom and pop’ type book shop (the kind that you saw everywhere in the early 90s – before Barnes & Global moved in). Notice hot chicks browsing the stacks. Many will have blonde hair. You like blondes, but have decided to date only Jewish girls after a long tumultuous affair seven years ago with a girl from the Czech Republic who used to throw dishware around the room during fights. 11. Notice a really cute girl thumbing through a copy of Me Talk Pretty One Day. Wonder if the cute girl is Jewish. Her midriff will be showing and this will turn you on. Start to plan your introductory line. "So," you rehearse in your head, "I see you like Sedaris. Who isn’t Jewish, by the way…are you?" Scrap that idea. Remember that the high holidays are approaching. Formulate a new opening line. "Excuse me, I couldn’t help noticing that you’re reading that Sedaris book. Just wondering…do you fast on Yom Kippur?" Realize the non sequitur might throw her for a loop. Scrap that line, too. Silently wish there were a badge Jews were required to wear in order to single them out in New York. 12. Suddenly she’ll notice you looking at her.  Look away, and pull a book off the shelf quickly. Never mind that it’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. Look back over at the blonde. Get up the courage to speak to her. 13. Say, "Sedaris, huh?" She’ll say, "Yeah. He’s the queen of comedy." Laugh. She’ll laugh too. Crack; the ice is broken. Make small talk about the book. Tell her how much you liked Naked too. She’ll agree and tell you how she wishes she could meet a straight guy even half as clever as Sedaris. Say, "Right. I know what you mean." Then ask if she ever walked by a movie shoot and wished that someone would notice her and ask her to be in the film. She’ll have no idea what you’re talking about. Switch the subject back to Sedaris. 14. Tell her that you’ve just come back from a couple years abroad and how refreshing it is to speak about the nitty gritty rat-a-tat of a book written in English. When you use the colloquial, "nitty gritty rat-a-tat", relish the fact that you now don’t have to translate its meaning. She’ll pretend to understand. Ask her if she’d ever consider living in a place far away, say, Israel, for example. She’ll say, "I don’t think so. I mean I’m not Jewish or anything." Smile and say, "Well, I don’t think you have to be Jewish to live in Israel. I mean there are lots of Christians living in Jerusalem," but as you’re saying this, start eying another hottie in "Religion" with dark curly hair. 15. Leave the book store and start to walk home. Begin to formulate a set of rules that all single girls in New York must live by: A) All Shiksas will be required to wear necklaces with crucifixes. They must be easily seen by the naked eye, not tucked into shirts or worn backwards. They can be gold, silver, diamond, 14K-plated, wooden, or better yet, those really large metal ones that can be seen from the far end of a subway car. B) Any Shiksa caught without said necklace must be willing to put out on the first date  open to converting on her own volition. C) Any Shiksa caught without said necklace and not open to converting by her own volition must be willing to put out on the first date to apologize for misguiding you when you approach her at the bus stop and say, "Excuse me, but you look so familiar. Haven’t I seen you on JDate with the screen name PUT-UP-THE-CHUPAH?"