This month, Maggie Gyllenhaal began filming what IMDB calls “a romantic comedy about the invention of the vibrator.” Tracking the progress of the little bullet that could, we’ve come a long way from treating horny women thought to have hysteria with vibrators in doctor’s offices (Can I make an appointment for next Thursday?) to late 2010 when, as with most things, there’s an app for that.
So slip on your iRubbers for some valuable consumer reportage as we review what iTunes has to offer in the way of vibe apps.
As Liel Liebovitz observes of the single servant featured in this week’s torah portion, “his method of selecting a spouse amounts to little more than a raffle, a random manner of picking one candidate from a pool of many, irrespective of her qualities or qualifications.” Meeting your app-match is no easier; with dozens of options, ratings that rarely inch above two stars, and cryptic pricing ranging from FREE to $2.99, here’s some divine, critical intervention.
Personalization
As with any vibe, it’s all about you and yours. How you like it can be most accommodated in most of the free and pay apps by way of control of rhythm and speed. MyVibe, the first vibe app on the market features a cool scroll from 0 to 100 delineating intervals between beats, with 3 savable settings.
Mood
The vibes do not lack in unique user interfaces, from cherry blossom wallpaper to zen soundscapes to various illustrations of funny looking insertables.
Unfortunately, when it comes to putting to use the multimedia capabilities of your iPhone, it is hard to let the randy multitasker indulge. The most expensive app, Relax Hub 5 in 1 AppBox, is the only one that comes close: aside from other feel good yoga-like features, it has a “Sex Engine” of ambient sounds said to up sex drive, and that sounded like Brian Eno on ecstacy. Paired with the four massage settings, it makes for a little more interactivity. Many of the vibe apps interrupt mood music rather than working in tandem, and some even strangely mimic the pesky buzz of physical toys. Ideally, the lookout for the free app little sister of Ohmibod’s vibe that hooks up to iPod technology and grooves to the beat–ohmigod. However, this does not yet exist, and programmers would be wise to fill that niche quick (and write to bambi@jewcy.com stat).
Intensity
This is the fatal flaw of vibe app technology. Despite pulsations personalization, when it gets down to it, the vibraphone would slip under the Princess and the Peas’ radar. Even apps boasting G-rated neck and shoulder massages are lost to the limitations of the hardware itself.
The Verdict
After draining your iPhone’s batteries in record speed, answering a call from ma unintentionally, and feeling overall like Steve Jobs doesn’t size up when it comes to fireworks, one can hypothesize that free apps won’t replace all our future needs optimally. Like the failed NudeRunner Girl Edition app where a censored girl runs around your screen chased by mall security, vibe apps make for great theory but end up being pretty lame when put into practice.
The fix? Unless you live in a place like Alabama, when you can’t get it for free, you can pay to get off. Shell out the cash and plug in OhMiBod’s Naughtibod all-powerful music-sync vibe, complemented with the raunch of hot-minded Stephen Elliot found in his sexier-than-an-iPhone-vibe Adderall Diaries app with audio extras probably as fun to sync to as this song.
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