The Pleasure Principle: Freudian Sex Advice with Bambi: Big Booty Hos and Cocktails

Q: Bambi, I love me a big booty chick. Which is cool, but when I’m on the train it takes alot to keep myself from grabbing a juicy ass. How do I convince myself to control the urge?

A: Freud relayed in Three Contributions to the Theory of Sex,

At least a certain amount of touching is indispensable for a person in order to attain the normal sexual aim. It is also generally known that the touching of the skin of the sexual object causes much pleasure and produces a supply of new excitement. Hence, the lingering at the touching can hardly be considered a perversion if the sexual act is proceeded with.

Sure, that ass is bomb. But unless she’s burning for you, keep that ego goin’ strong. Subways are a great place to feed your mind with goodies for later: take it in, man. IN the meantime, try out a creative outlet for all that pent up need: avert your eyes to some smutty reads, grab a stress ball and displace your urge, picture your mother (which should make you hungry for something else).

Q: I hear you can make your spunk taste better if you drink a LOT of pineapple juice. Do these techniques really work?

A: To be sure, it is a bittersweet realization to find that “pleasure producing poisonous substances” might be fun for you but vile for them.

To treat, if only hypothetically, the complexities of the pure toxic and the physiologic stimulations which result in the sexual processes is not now our appropriate task. To be sure, I attach no value to this special assumption and I shall be quite ready to give it up in favor of another, provided its original character, the emphasis on the sexual chemism, were preserved. For this apparently arbitrary statement is supported by a fact which, though little heeded, is most noteworthy. The neuroses which can be traced only to disturbances of the sexual life show the greatest clinical resemblance to the phenomena of intoxication and abstinence which result from the habitual introduction of pleasure-producing poisonous substances.

Translation: Covering up the stank that derives from all the junk that you eat, smoke, and drink with pineapple juice is a funny way of going about improving your taste. Like a big booty and dilated pupils, the quality of your grand finale tells your lover a little something about what they’re working with in terms of potential babydaddy status.

So until you resign to self-improvement via Tony Gazelle and Bok Choy, why not take a page out of this book and mix up a few concoctions to make it a tastier experience for your loving one:

Bitch’s Brew: Hungarian dessert wine, pineapple juice

Alcopop that’ll spritz the tart out of your topper in no time. Spritzers are a fave in Hungary, which is the porn capital of Europe. With all of the swishing and swallowing going down in Pest, their experience is unsurpassed.

Pineapple Chernobyl: Brugal rum, amaretto, pineapple juice, sour

A Brooklyn favorite, this frothy concoction is so delicious, the very endorphins it produces will have rainbows shooting out of you. The sweet-nut tasting apricot pit derivative liqueur complements the holler you’ll find in the Dominican rum. There’s even a cherry on top.

Woody Mary: Stoli vodka, tomato juice, balsamic vinegar, beet horseradish, chunk pineapple, and turkey jerky garnish

Bloody Marys are the seasonal McRib for taste-factor–once in a while the vitamin boost of all the veggies will do you good, but too much of the garlic, onions and spice in the Worcestershire sauce will up the bitter. This alternative is a more kosher variation that will keep you making sweet Hawaiian noises, if only by way of mimicking its pizza.

Just try to be a little good, I’m pretty sure drinking something too radioactive will kill off any hope for your shmeckle’s gourmand factor.