Q: Dear Bambi, I’m seeing a girl who’s pretty good at what she does in bed. She’s got moves that are like nothing I’ve ever experienced and she’s in a constant state of ecstasy, it’s beautiful. She’s inspired me to build my own gamut of positions, but I can’t bring myself to make anything unique. Any suggestions for freeing my inner sexgod?
Thanks,
-R
A: In the chapter “The Moses of Michelangelo” in Freud’s Character and Culture he writes,
Long before I had any opportunity of hearing about psychoanalysis, I learnt that a Russian art-connoisseur, Ivan Lermolieff, had caused a revolution in the art galleries of Europe by questioning the authorship of many pictures, showing how to distinguish copies from originals with certainty, and constructing hypothetical artists for those works of art whose former supposed authorship had been discredited. He did this by insisting that attention should be diverted from the general impression and main features of a picture and he laid stress on the significance of minor details, of things like the drawing of the fingernails, of the lobe of an ear, of aureoles and such unconsidered trifles which the copyist neglects to imitate and yet which every artist executes in his own characteristic way…It seemed to me that his method of inquiry is closely related to the technique of psychoanalysis. It, too, is accustomed to divine secret and concealed things from unconsidered or unnoticed details, from the rubbish-heap, as it were, of our observations.
Champion most likely didn’t invent anything new, but rather owns what she does and does it uncensored. There are hundreds and hundreds of ways to put two and two together, so find your faves and get em down. But like Ivan’s Freud-approved observation, the secret lies in details. Zoom in from the awesome portrait to the fingernails and you will see that what she does is authentically hers. That she can lose herself in an ecstatic ball of bliss demonstrates knowledge–of her self, the vibe of the moment, and the arts of gettin down.
The difference between mortal fucker and sexgod is not unlike that which separates counterfeiter and visionary artist: beyond a sense of the big picture/ posish, you need to tap into acute attention to details on a level that precedes the censoring superego, or risk, thanks to Ivan, being outed as a copycat fink. If your id naturally gravitates toward the higher intuition and suavidad that sexgods must possess (and your question conveys as much), that is where your loyalty must lie.
In honor of Hanukkah, allow me to unburden you with a few holiday-spirited ideas for the big picture:
Festival of Lights
Bring the menorah in the loveshack for some mood lighting. The seductive atmosphere will act as a filter (the very same that bars employ) that diverts attention to your own shamash and what it can do to light her fire.
Judah the Hammer
Master your plan of attack and do as the Maccabee did, guerrilla warfare-style. Keep her on her toes/ back with surprise moves that lead to victory. Hit it to a little Yehudah-inspired tunage courtesy of Handel.
Tantric Eight
Eight is a transcendental number for the tribe, representing the Infinite. The goal is to fit in eight moves before you both dedicate your altars. Post-octave you can probably down eight sufganiyots each.
Hanukkah is not Shabbat
So do it with all the electronics on in the house, in an elevator, in the car, or on the bus. Extravagance is a staple of the holiday season.
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