Jewcy Directs The Purim Movie

First, now matter how much you learned in Hebrew school, it’s probably worth it go ahead and  origin stories of every holiday over again, instead of mindlessly celebrating them, because it’s ridiculous that I remember each plot point from Lost but can’t remember why we celebrate Sukkot (something about trees, no?)  Second, in reading these stories again as a man, I’ve picked up things that I missed the first time around.  For instance, I learned that Purim among other things is a celebration of feminine wiles!  Here we recount a story in which a Jewish woman, through her charm and sex appeal, saves the entire Jewish population of a particular area from genocide.  With Spring right around the corner, what better thing to celebrate?  Finally, the Purim story, so full it’s drama, violence, manipulation and (gasp) intermarriage, could make a hell of a big budget period movie!

So, we at Jewcy propose that instead of making The Mummy 4, Harvey Weinstien ought to sink a few bucks into the making of Esther: The Whole Megillah. We’ve even decided to help the process along by casting the film ourselves.

Esther: For this role, it’s necessary to have to a beautiful Jewish girl, one who is striking at first glance with big eyes and Eastern European features.  She must be the girl you were in love with from Hebrew school who, when you heard via Facebook that she was marrying a Goy, made you ache with jealousy.  She must be a Jewish queen, capable of saving thousands of Jews with her beauty.

Natalie Portman is obviously the first thought.  Sure, she has indeed married a goy, thereby breaking the collective heart of the young single Jewish population, but she’s not got the air of mischief about her that’s needed for this role.  In other words, she’s a total white swan!  Mila Kunis, has the sex appeal and, the mischievousness, and she could pass for Persian.

Another candidate for this role, should be Mia Kirshner.  Best known for playing Jenny on the L Word, Mia is Canadian-born Jewish actress with doll-like features and huge peepers.  She proved on the L-Word, that she can play a manipulative, yet charming girl with passion and charisma.  Kirshner would be the perfect backup if Kunis is busy filming whatever superhero movie she’s been drafted for.

Mordechai

For the role of Mordechai, we need a character who can convincingly play the all-knowing, aging peasant.  He must be wise and avuncular.  He needs to have humility even though he’s the one pulling Esther’s strings.  We’d need an actor who can play the part of the yammering old man, but endearingly enough that the audience doesn’t want to see him impaled on Haman’s pole.  For this role, who better than Alan Arkin?

King Ahasuerus

For the role of the king, we once again need an actor who can pass for Persian.  He must be bumbling, but at the same time willful.  He must be dumb enough to have hired Haman in the first place, yet smart enough to recognize his mistake.  For this role, Joaquin Phoenix, now that he is over his whole “hoax” could be a nice fit, but I think we can do better.

Adrien Brody, with his spaceyness and otherworldly appearance, would make a convincing player.  After playing a horn dog in the movie Splice, we know he’s got that aspect of the role covered and he’s half Jewish.

Vashti

Again referring to Black Swan, Wynona Ryder convincingly played the role of the girl pushed aside to make way for younger, more accommodating blood.  In the story, Vashti refuses to showcase her beauty for the king’s guests and so she is replaced by Esther.  Wynona could do wonderful things with this role and frankly, any movie gets better as soon as Wynona appears.

Haman

It depends on what direction we want to go in with this one, but Sacha Baron Cohen, if he were to do a near reprisal of his role in Talladega Nights, only Persian, would be an interesting choice.

However, if we wanted to be more serious about it, Ron Perlman, who’s shown in Sons of Anarchy that he can play the scheming advisor to the king waiting to swoop in and take the reigns.  Perlman in his appearance alone immediately emanates villain, however, he may be a bit too strong a presence to play a rather weak character.  Sacha is probably the best bet.

Note: Apparently there actually was a Hollywood retelling of the Purim story called Ether and The King made in the 60’s.  It starred Joan Collins and Richard Egan, but surely it’s the Jewcy version would be far better.