It is a problem that will not speak its name. We all know that there is bigotry, prejudice, and intolerance in the American Jewish community; that much is inevitable, and that’s not the problem I’m talking about. The problem I’m talking about is this: how do we react when we encounter those things among our Jewish "friends"?
I am thinking about this because I recently had a troubling conversation with a good friend; let’s call him Bob. Bob has another friend who is an Orthodox Jew (of a certain kind), and they have a mutual acquaintance who is transgendered. Bob is struggling with the moral problem of determining his appropriate response. Does he allow his Jewish friend to spout homophobic garbage, or call him on his bigotry and stand up for the dignity their transgendered acquaintance at the risk of losing a relationship that he values deeply? This is not a new conundrum, of course; it is a basic problem that arises from living in a community marked by value pluralism. But as I listened to Bob’s description of the situation, I couldn’t help but think of the particular form that this conundrum takes within the community of American Jews.
We may pride ourselves on our cosmopolitanism and our open-mindedness. We cringe at the kind of question I was once asked by my grandfather on meeting two of my school friends: "are they Jewish?" We would never dream of insisting that our community of friends be limited to members of a certain religion or nationality or ethnicity. Except that when American Jews go to Israel they are often heard to say something like what a friend of mine once said: "Here, they’re all Yidden. Good Yidden and bad Yidden, but all Yidden." He assumed that would mean something to me, and of course it did. Life is easier, more comfortable, when we have common bonds with the people around us. "Birds of a feather flock together,"lunchroom tables self-segregate. It’s only natural.
Against that impulse there is a kind of politically correct lip-service to diversity. In America right now, it’s politics. Many of us would be appalled if people thought we only had conservative or liberal friends, or that we only talk to members of a certain political party. I recently heard the chair of the College Republicans on my campus express dismay at the idea that anyone would ever vote a straight party ticket. Sure, out there in the blogosphere there are the Dailykos.com’s and the Redstate.com’s, but we are more sophisticated, more open. Some of my best friends voted for the wrong candidate.
The problem, of course, arises when the discussion of differences in political affiliation or religious background or historical identification are understood to be something more than the equivalent of rooting for different sports teams. What happens when these differences reflect fundamental differences in human values? A friend is someone whose feelings I care about, whose thoughts I value, whose well-being is important to me. A friend can rely on me to come to their aid in a time of need. Can I have a true "friend" who denies the humanity of other friends? Who is a homophobe or a racist, an uncaring laissez-faire capitalist or a theocrat? How — no really how?, through what set of discursive maneuvers and exercises in rationalization? — can I have a "friend" whose respect for me is diminished because of others who are also my friends?
It is always easy, of course, to turn this into a kind of moral relativist ju-jitsu. "You see?," cries the homophobic religious zealot, "you claim to be tolerant and open-minded but here you are rejecting my beliefs!" There can even be a point at which this move carries some substance: am I more comfortable with the raving atheist who derides all religious believers as naifs than with the religious believer who accuses atheists of (as another old friend puts it) "epistemic blindness? Maybe. Ultimately, to quote yet another old friend, we choose our hypocrites, starting with ourselves. But that answers nothing. We still have to choose among our hypocrisies, and those choices require justification, if only to ourselves.
These are universal challenges. But among Jews they take a particular set of forms. I have friends – I think they’re "friends" – who say things that go far beyond ignorance or wrongheadedness, the kinds of things that if one of my children said them I would immediate sit that child down for a long talk. "There is no such thing as the Palestinian people" is a good one. "Arabs have plenty of countries, it’s only fair that we take this one,"there’s another. This is not simply Jabotinskyite Revisionism (Jabotinsky understood very well that his Zionist project involved the displacement and defeat of a people). This is something later and uglier, a manifestation of an intellectual cancer that degrades historical memory in the service of recrudescent tribalism.
The Zionist version of the disease, like many others, goes beyond the basic symptoms of the disease by virtue of its selectivity. Curious that the same people never make the same argument about the Protestants of Northern Ireland, or propose that because there is no Gypsy nation residents of Romania should be forcibly displaced to create one. Fascinating – as writers on this blog, among other places, have noted – that genocidal violence fills us with existential horror when and only when it is directed against Jews. That same selectivity appears in the willful blindness, the resolute refusal to know what goes on in Israel and in the Territories. Is that in the same category of moral corruption?
I could go on, we could all go on. An American Jew who says he or she has not encountered this kind of ignorance and prejudice among their fellow Jews is either in denial or a liar. From my own experience I can quote examples of pure, outright racism: "Arabs only understand violence" and "Muslims don’t have Western rationality" were popular for a time. Then there was the woman, my hostess for lunch, who simply described Palestinians as dirty. Followed, brightly, by "shall we bench, now?" I know what you’re thinking. What did I do? Did I stand up self-righteously and howl in outrage? Make a scene? Refuse to join in prayers in the house where I had just been a guest for lunch? Actually, yes, and I have not spoken with that person since that date. But that’s not very satisfying. And in other, less obvious cases I have remained silent.
When I think about these things, I always remember a little girl named Aisha whom I met in Bethlehem twenty years ago. I was staying with her parents – her father, J, was a journalist. He spoke Hebrew so we could communicate, but with Aisha I had only my 50 or so words of Arabic. She would not believe that I was Jewish for the longest time; everyone knows Jews are vile, horrible monsters who kill children and blow up houses and torture people, and as a guest in her house I didn’t quite fit that mold. Eventually, though, we found a way to pass the time. You know the clap-slap-clap game American children play while reciting "Miss Mary Mack/All dressed in black," etc.? So I showed Aisha that game. After a while we starting making up more complicated versions; we got up to sequences of eleven and fifteen precise moves. When we demonstrated for the rest of the family she would shout out a number -"t’maanye"! "tish’a!" – and we would run through that particular routine to the cheers of the audience. I loved that household; full of love and warmth and commitment. Oh, and spotlessly clean, of course; on my best day I have never been able to keep a house as sparkling as that apartment.
It comes down to the children. To sacrifice a child on an altar was supposedly a Canaanite practice of Moloch worshippers; the story of Isaac is supposed to tell us not to follow those ways. So . . . can we have"friends" who would sacrifice children on the altar of their self-righteousness? Can I have a "conversation" with someone who would relegate Aisha to the ash heap of history for the sake of gratifying their own sense of tribal superiority? How about friends who would insist that the children of same-sex couples do not deserve families secured by the same legal protections as those afforded to the families of children born to mixed-sex couples? How about "friends" who relegate women to a second order of rationality and therefore deny education to girls? Are any of these things made more tolerable just because the people involved are Jewish? That question surely answers itself.
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managing deal breakers
I just started dating a guy from OKCupid who’s cute and just as sardonic as I am. He seems to delight in me, And on each of our three dates we talked for hours. the thing? everytime we met I noticed his breath. this is not good. There might be getting some medical issue?
I would like to keep seeing him, But this a concept is a total turn off. I can view it from across a table. how would you react would you speak up, Or just bow out softly? If he were my partner I would make sure he understands directly, But he is not.
phoning, as a, be sure he understands. It has more positive outcomes for more people. And if he’s going, He really needs to know or the exercise will be endlessly futile and frustating for him. It’s the kinder activity, On balance due.
wrote by DarlingBri at 7:18 AM on july 21, 2011 [22 internet explorer favorites]
Just like the campsite rule you should leave your lover in a better shape than when you met them. It’s good for whoever employs you.
placed by marais at 7:24 AM on july 21, 2011 [31 favs]
Bring it up as any concern, Perhaps due with a shortlived yet intense medical or dental reason. bad breath that strong (within the table) might be due to gingivitis even. When we discuss our own concerns about something additional would a) Will specifically say, oh no, [url=https://issuu.com/charmingdate]charmdate.com[/url] Its seems to have cleared up for you but b) Then wonder perchance how his own is. (And even ask?)
processed by infini at 7:26 AM on july 21, 2011
I’m a chicken but I definitely think directly is better than indirectly. Firstly, periodically hints are missed, And classmates it’s not a first person story that he MAY trigger to, that it is about him! Beating around the bush can be more embarassing for each. keep away from companies email him (certainly, chicken) And say ‘there is just issue, Please take care of it (or) And we will never speak about this again’ some thing to that effect. If I had a problem I would be SO embarassed to learn about it, But it is valuable points. And then I would want to NEVER have it brought up again even as a joke 10yrs later!
publicised by bquarters at 7:45 AM on july 21, 2011 [1 popular]
as you can imagine tell him. The upside is that you’re walking to keep seeing him, Which is ideal. possessing all this is that he doesn’t do it and you stop seeing him, Which is zero downside because that’s what ensure do if you don’t tell him.
dispatched by J. Wilson here at 7:55 AM on september 21, 2011
Give him the shit sandwich: 2 enhances with the complaint in between.
I’m really enjoying the time I spend with you, Your breath smells horrible, that’s a nice watch.
published by jander03 at 8:20 AM on may 21, 2011 [33 favs]
find a box of mints or some gum. Take a piece by thinking through yourself and offer him some. If he refuses insist your dog takes one. Wave your hand in advance of your face like pee yoo and nod at him. That should get your message across.
If that doesn’t work tell him his breath is a bit rank, And leave.
wrote by Sweetmag at 8:42 AM on august 21, 2011 [2 preferred]
I’d make him. This won’t get better.
Just my 2 money.
circulated by jeff o matic at 8:50 AM on august 21, 2011
I knew a guy in high school who had a sinus issue which resulted in him having pretty nasty breath. He carried around a toothbrushing/mouthwash/oral care kit with him every time to stem the worst of the smell. He still had a faint smell about him that was frustrating, even.
Are you in email contact with him? I know many people will say that it’s too impersonal, But this is actually such an odd, arthritic subject, And if you bring it up in person and there’s no solution for his breath (aside from a mint or gum), it can create a bad situation. If there IS a medical issue it may be a sensitive subject, And if it’s going to be a deal breaker, Email might be the least painful way to tell him. you aren’t going to officially dating, So I don’t even think you are on the hook for more. I’d have said: “i like you, But I’ve remarked that your breath is consistently a little “for wear, I’d like to think that next time we see each other we could move one stage further. Is this something you might help on. I’m eager for seeing you at X/for Y, His response is key here. If according to him “Whoa, i really didn’t know, I’ll do better next occasion” a person fine. If he’s upset, Just stop international businesses him.
Aretha Franklin Tributes
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on the least at that place a huge amount of content you want to do beside Pittsburgh. this sexy difficult to be bored to tears when you put the right way of thinking, remember, though,but, in any case in my circumstances, selecting a working relationship such as which will clothes is an effort. Even with uniform dating (and where I found my wife), i had shaped at the several common near friends together.
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amazing,before i forget – a standard lower place. what i mean is that their less habitual, in season way to get to know moreover interact with people external your family one on one social group of friends. cathedral utilized cater to the item conduct, then again where it doesn help the irreligious (and this also a number of younger everyone is). local community meetings should be able to a tad too, nevertheless,having said that also there absolutely not community in an apartment neutralize. these businesses become a nice selection of offer sister sectors chilling with your girls adjacent together and not necessarily mingling. Intramural exercise leagues aren not good, still,but unfortunately wear are employed by the non cool products.
Along with shedding your money to someone who had no intention of ever visiting you, chances are you’ll even have unknowingly taken part in a money laundering scheme by cashing phony checks and sending the money overseas and by shipping stolen merchandise (the forwarded package deal). The photographs you were sent have been almost certainly phony lifted from other web sites. Millions of Americans visit online dating web sites yearly hoping to discover a companion or even a soulmate. Don’t give him your phone number early on either, because he can use that to seek out your address. Search for specialty teams or niche courting: age, race, religion, area, skilled, sport followers, sexual preference, rural and and so forth. The important thing to modern on-line matchmaking is to seek out mates which can be compatible. Scammers can also use generic photographs found online as their profile photos, another side that can be uncovered in a search. These criminals-who also troll social media websites and chat rooms looking for romantic victims-usually claim to be Americans touring or working abroad.
Traveling abroad is a enjoyable and thrilling expertise for every expat. A superb sense of humour is often high on the listing of traits for a people in search of a accomplice and it is a giant bonus in the event you share the same sense of humour. Someone having completely different pursuits than you should not disqualify them as a possible companion. Finally, the FBI advises not to send cash through any wire transfer service to somebody you met online. In another lately reported relationship extortion scam, victims usually met someone on an online dating site and then have been asked to maneuver the conversation to a selected social networking site, the place the speak often turned intimate. The current research stresses the social regulation of sexuality, as only heterosexual couples were presented. In recent times, police say they’ve seen an increase in the number of sexual assault reviews that were initiated by means of online dating or social media. Over the last three years, they said Canadians have misplaced extra money to those scams [url=https://www.bestbrides.net/6-reasons-why-chinese-women-want-to-date-western-men/]why chinese women date western men[/url] than some other kind of fraud, regardless of the number of victims barely registering in the top 10 when compared to different kinds. TORONTO — Requires bodily distancing amid the COVID-19 pandemic are prompting Canadians to search for other methods of connecting with those round them.
However, this advice is fairly problematic for these couples who’re serious. However, criminals are additionally discovering extra potential targets – posing below a fake identity and attempting to earn trust earlier than asking for cash. While their most typical targets are ladies over 40 who are divorced, widowed, and/or disabled, however each age group and demographic is at risk. Police and anti-fraud businesses are warning in regards to the growing numbers of scammers using online dating websites as their most important targets. If you happen to do turn into a victim, each police and anti-fraud businesses mentioned to not be too embarrassed to report it. The anti-fraud centre mentioned 269 Ontarians have reported online dating fraud thus far this 12 months, with 177 losing some cash. Love, digitally: is it dishonest to seek professional assist for online dating? They discuss an excellent pal or loved one in one other nation who’s coming to go to or needs help.
Burns said one sort of fraudster is someone who raises warning flags immediately. That manner, you possibly can tip yourself off if somebody has come across that individual or group earlier than. Of course, there’s nothing like truly assembly an individual face-to-face, so chances are you’ll probably not make sure till then. Additionally, Dare appreciates Stream’s wealthy set of moderation tools, comparable to block lists, to assist keep Trueflutter a secure place for singles to match and chat with one another earlier than assembly up in person. They may even arrange to meet in person if the reward is excessive enough, Williams added. Williams stated this means groups can go after small sums of money, as little as $40, however they’ve the capability to go after as a lot as tens of hundreds of dollars. Many individuals carry meals for the little ones but neglect about themselves. Which means 92 individuals caught on to the fraud earlier than they misplaced something. In Quebec, 471 folks have reported such fraud in 2013 – 319 of who had been victims. She was also quick to level out that these crimes weren’t the fault of the victims.