Take The Money & Run

Flannery O'Connor once said that a good man was hard to find. Among the ultra-Orthodox community in Israel, a better man is even harder to afford.

Here is one father's gripe with the system and why he is denouncing it:

“It’s a known thing in our community that you have to give the whole package to get a good groom, that is, to pay for the entire wedding and buy an apartment and furniture," Says A. “My two older daughters have husbands from good yeshivas, and each of them got two thirds of an apartment from me.

"I spent my entire savings on that, I took a second mortgage and loans. Now I need to buy at least half an apartment for my third daughter, and I have no money. My daughter wanted a God-fearing guy, not a guy who works (as opposed to studying fulltime in yeshiva). That’s a problem. How will I pay back more loans? And what will remain for my younger daughters?”

So how much does a quality Yeshiva boy go for these days?

An apartment in an ultra-Orthodox complex in Betar Ilit or Modi’in Ilit costs about USD 90,000. If you add the wedding expenditures and the purchase of furniture and electrical appliances, the expenses come to USD 110,000. If we assume that a family pays for only half a package, every ultra-Orthodox family has to part with some USD 200,000 within a few years just to marry off its daughters.

The problem is that the more impressive the groom, the higher the demands. Very high-quality grooms demand an apartment in Jerusalem and Bnei Brak that is as close as possible to the head of their yeshiva. In Jerusalem and Bnei Brak apartment prices are about USD 150,000- USD 250,000. Grooms who are outstanding students with a lot of chutzpah demand that the wife’s parents also pay a small stipend to allow them to live decently.

And what are the terms of the halacha?

Before the wedding the terms of the match are negotiated. The ultra-Orthodox Bakehillah newspaper, which writes a lot on this issue, has published the price list for a groom. For a prodigy in a prestigious yeshiva such as Kol Torah or Hevron in Jerusalem, Or Yisrael in Petach Tikvah or Bet Matityahu in Bnei Brak, you have to pay for the whole package.

For a groom who is half a prodigy you pay somewhere between the whole package and 80 percent of the apartment. For a good guy you have to pay between half of the package and two thirds of it, and for an average guy you have to pay for half an apartment.

So it's not too surprising to hear that often times, grooms are often more moved by the prospect of money than lust or love. But as many of us know the former is short-lived and the latter is less tangible and doesn't necessarily pay the bills.