Posting today about Jewish circumcision took me back about a year, to the bris of my own son. It was one of the most difficult days of my life, and one of the most wonderful. But it was not, any more than any other Jewish ritual, uncomplicated in my intermarried household.
What made it so hard?
Well, for starters I had to find a mohel who didn’t mind that s/he’d be hanging out in a room of gentiles. Which turned out to be pretty easy, but required that I get over my own embarrassment in telling him that.
* Tip 1: Have no shame!
Secondly (and this applies to everyone) The house was a mess and it bugged me. This was dumb and looking back now, I realize that. A potluck bris is fine. A messy house would have been fine. If I had asked everyone to sweep the kitchen and bleach the sink before they left, that would have been fine too. Because the thing to remember about a bris is that it’s all about the baby and the covenant, and the guests love you. Anyone who’ll judge you for your dust bunnies is shallow.
* Tip 2: Do not stress out!
Thirdly, I was broke, and throwing a party (eight days after giving birth no less!) is expensive (especially if you want decent kosher wine for the mohel). In the end, I asked my dad and mom to help defray the costs.
* Tip 3: Ask for money as a baby gift!
* Tip 4: Blue Cross WILL have to reimburse you for the cost of the mohel! (If you ask about this, you’ll confuse the dumb person who answers the phone… but they HAVE to honor the medical procedure. In the end, you’ll get your 400 bucks back)
Finally, and most importantly, (and this is where the intermarried part comes in, though it’s likely true for anyone with a lot of gentile friends too) you need to prepare the non-Jews in your life.
We forget that anyone who has never been to a bris before will be taken aback by it. We forget that it is a brutal and strange thing to see a surgery performed on a dining room table, especially on a baby. Our world is a very sterile, anaesthetized place.
Remember that what makes the bris NOT brutal and weird is that it has great meaning for us. It’s a kind of magic. Ancient. Holy. For the non-Jews in our lives, it’s NOT holy or ancient. It’s strange as hell. And so we have to get them ready, show them WHY it’s holy.
* Tip 5: Prepare your non-Jewish friends and especially any non-Jewish grandparents. Talk to them. Send them a link to a website, a good book on the subject. Invite them to watch a movie with a bris scene in it with you. Include them in the planning stages. The more a part of this they feel, the less horrified they’ll be.
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