Real Talk Parsha: Bereshit

So here we are at the start of it all:  the beginning of this wild crazy place called ‘the world as we know it’.  If anyone ever needed any proof that the first man and woman were in all likelihood black, it’s right there in black and white for everyone to see, because Adam and Eve aren’t in the Garden of Eden two seconds before they immediately start lowering the property value.

At any rate, the sages traditionally place the blame of the forbidden fruit eating on Adam for adding an additional unnecessary fence of not touching the tree to the actual rule of not eating from the tree.  As any rabbi knows, there should be at least 7-12 unnecessary fences around the gate that leads to the bridge that’s in front of the brick wall which surrounds the moat which protects the tower which houses the actual rule in the dungeon that my father bought for two zuzim, a kid, a kid.

Other sages say it was Adam’s fault for not checking to see if the food Eve was offering him was "kosher."

I say they’re all being too hard on Adam; guys, back me up here.  After all, we all know how unlikely it is for us to know the eye color of our closest female acquaintances because our eyes rarely make the strenuous trek north of a woman’s neck.  And that’s when she’s fully clothed; Eve was naked.  Adam didnt stand a chance.

Adam didn’t check if the food was kosher?  It’s more like he didnt realize the nice naked lady in front of him had even given him something to eat in the first place.  Here’s a dramatization:

Eve: So, i was in the garden talking to this snake, right?

Adam: Uh huh.

Eve: And he was like eat this food, it’ll make you like a god.  

Adam: Uh huh.

Eve: Anyway–are you even listening?

Adam: Uh huh.

Eve: Anyway, I had some of it and it tastes alright and stuff, but I dunno.

Adam: Uh huh.

Eve: Here, you try it.

[Adam absently takes fruit, bites]

Adam: Uh huh.

Eve: See? You feel any different?

Adam: Uh huh.

G-d: Um, hey guys…whatcyha doing?

Adam: Nothin’.

G-d: Cool.  I was just…Adam, are…are you eating the ONE fruit I specifically asked you not to eat?

Adam: What? What’re you–

[adam looks down at hand]

Adam:…Oh. Well, this isn’t good.  This isn’t good at all.

G-d: So, like, can I get an explanation?

Adam: I–I just–and she–her–with the boobs, and the, and the…the boobs?

G-d: OK…so I’m just gonna’ ask Eve, OK? OK.  

See?  He had no chance.