Real Talk Parsha: Noach

"It’s the end of the world as we know it, but I’m not feeling particularly fine."

Yep, in this parsha, G-d flips out Doug Ramsey style and orders the world to "Shut it down"! Of course, "shutting it down" in this case means "engulf the world in copious volumes of scalding water". Noah, his fam, and a choice few animals escape into the ark and survive the death and destruction going on outside to eventually build a new world. Crazy, right? I mean, the flood lasted for a whole year. A whole year in an ark with just your family?? Not to mention your wife [who, unless you’re Ham, you’re not getting any from] and a gajillion animals you’ve gotta feed. The midrash tells us that this one time? Noah showed up late to give the lion his food? And the lion just wilds out and slaps and/or bites him.

Well. No kidding!

I imagine that about six months in, things in the ark started turning sour a la "The Real World":

This is the true story…of 1.5 million species of animals…picked to live in an ark…survive the apocalypse together and have their lives hang in the balance…to find out what happens…when people stop being polite…and start getting real…

Noah: Hey lion.

Lion: Sup, man.

Noah: Things were crazy with the ostriches, but I got your…What?…What’s that look for?

Lion: You know how long I’ve been sitting here waiting, man? Six hours.

Noah: Look, man, I’m sorry but-

Lion: Sorry? Oh you’re sorry. You got me sitting up here next to these zebras all day, with no food, but you’re sorry. Cuz that’s really what I need to see when I’m dizzy from hunger–a bunch of black and white lines running back and forth all day long.

Noah: Well I already told you I can’t do anything about the arrangement I–

Lion: Well you better do something, homey. Cuz if I hear one more thing from that damn deer over there talking about how I ate his daddy, imma–

Deer: But you did eat my pops, you–

Lion: SHUT THE [bleep] UP! IF I HEAR YOU [bleep] ABOUT THAT [bleep] ONE MORE [bleep] TIME, I SWEAR TO YHVH I’M GONNA BITE YOUR [bleep] HEAD OFF THE MOTHER[bleep] SECOND WE’RE OFF THIS BOAT–

Deer: Mother[bleep], WHAT?

Lion: WHAT? WHAT, Bambi?

Deer: BAMBI? I wish a mother[bleep] would.

Noah: Yo man, calm down! Just calm do-

Lion: Get the [BLEEP] off me you-

[Lion bites Noah]

Noah: [BLEEP]! That was my [bleep] LEG, man! [BLEEP]! What the [BLEEP] is wrong with you? [BLEEP]!

Lion: Yeah, well, I bet your @ss’ll be here on time next time, won’t it?

Craziness, right?