Alright, step up folks, come one, come all, to the beginning of the book of the Bible most notorious for spawning horribly realized film adaptations.
Yep, you know its true. Even DeMille’s "Ten Commandments"-clearly the best of the bunch-can’t seem to get it all right. [Aside, of course, from casting Vincent Price as "Nameless Egyptian Overseer Who Inaccurately Whips Joshua For Some Reason", when he would’ve been better served as "Abiram" to Edward G Robinson’s "Dathan".]
Anyhoo, its maddening b/c the material IS ALL RIGHT THERE! All you have to do is pretty much scribble "Enter Moses, stage right" in the margins of the page and BAM!, you’ve got your script. But no, Hollywood always has to screw things up to add "spice" like:
1-Putting Moses in line for the throne. What? Where did you even read that? Pharoah didnt adopt Moses. Pharoah’s daughter did. In a society where inheritance lines are male oriented, how would he even be in line?
2-Not making Moses 80. Even though it clearly says that Moses was 80. [ex 7:7. Sure thats a lil bit ahead, but whatever]. Movies seem to insist on either having him be some youngish rebel [Prince of Egypt, the atrocious "Moses" mini series on ABC], or they have him be young, trip out on some shrooms while talking to the burning bush, and come down randomly old [Ten Commandments].
3-Having him be former besties with the future pharoah as a young ‘un, thereby putting them in conflict when Moses comes to free his people. This is kind of an offshoot of the "he’s 80? problem. Even if Moses WAS besties with the soon-to-be pharoah, said pharoah was long gone by the time Moses came back nearly SIXTY years later.
4-Moses talks to Pharaoh. Like, the entire Burning Bush episode is about how Moses DOESN’T want to talk to Pharaoh. The entire POINT of Aaron coming along is to talk to Pharaoh FOR Moses. SO WHY DOES EVERY MOVIE HAVE MOSES TALKING TO PHARAOH WHILE AARON JUST STANDS THERE AS A PROP MAN??
5-Miriam never seems to exist. Her whole deal is the Song of the Sea and, yknow, THE WELL OF MIRIAM. Not only haveIi never seen Miriam show up for the Sea song [except for Prince of Egypt] but I’ve also never seen her Well.
C’mon people. Get it together.
[Disclaimer: Please, do not expect "Real Talk" to make actual Biblical sense. If you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain’t the place. It’s less "Onkelos" and more "Onion", get me?]
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