Real Talk Parsha: Vayishlach

Seriously, what was Jacob thinking? When he last left Esau, the dude was trying to kill him. Then he sends his son after him to rob him. What part of either one of those things screams "HEY, LEMME LET ESAU KNOW THAT I’M COMING BACK! I’LL SEND HIM GIFTS AND PRESENTS AND SERVANTS AND EVERYTHING."

No, Jacob. Just…No.

I mean, why not just sneak back in as quietly as you left? Let’s say Esau did let bygones be bygones. Why rile things up again?

Jacob: Hey Esau! I’m back!

Esau: Oh, excellent! Thanks for the cattle and gold and stuff. Wow havent seen you in like 22 years, man. Why didnt you tell me you were leaving?

Jacob: Dude, remember? You totally were trying to kill me.

Esau: What? Shut up. I was not.

Jacob: Yeh, cuz I had stole the blessing you were supposed to get from Dad–

Esau: Oh yeah. I do remember that. But hey, we were kids y’know and…

Jacob: –And besides you were like, already totally pissed that I jacked your birthright for some beans–

Esau: Right, right. that too…Actually, that was pretty–

Jacob: –And yeah, you were totally bent after you went crying to Dad to give you a blessing and then he didn’t have one left so he just threw something together about fat or something like that and so…Esau? Dude, what’s with the sword? And when did these 400 other dudes show up?

See? Just not a good idea. Or maybe it wasnt Jacob’s fault. Maybe he had Asperberger’s and so couldn’t pick up on socially awkward clues. I mean, he had to have been doing something so completely outrageously insensitive that Esau’s frickin’ guardian angel came all the way down from Heaven to run up on Jacob in the middle of the night with the express purpose of tearing off Jacob’s leg and beating him to death with it.

That’s serious right there.

[Disclaimer: Please, do not expect "Real Talk" to make actual Biblical sense. If you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain’t the place. It’s less "Onkelos" and more "Onion", get me?]