It’s that time of year again – your eyes start itching, you can’t stop sneezing, and you have to remember to shave your legs again. Well, unless you wax them or have them e-lased or prefer the au naturale look with your Birkenstocks. (I almost wrote that Birkin-stocks, which is pretty FFJD.)
Anyway, it’s WEDDING SEASON! Maybe you’ve never been to a wedding. Maybe this is your first wedding. Maybe this is your eighth. Maybe you’re like some people I know, and make wedding attendance a full-contact sport. I know, there has been a lot of talk about the Royal Wedding. (You basically have to have exited the planet to not hear about it).
But the Royal Wedding brought up some key questions about how to behave if you DO find yourself at some nuptials. (Not this past one though, because you won’t be watching on a jumbotron with 200,000 waving flags and going nuts and making Kate Middleton voodoo dolls or whatever happened. I stopped caring.)
FFJD is here to give you some tips (like actually take allergy pills!) for important wedding behaviors. I also sent an email to a bunch of friends who are on the “circuit,” if you will, and their tips and warnings are below.
Because if there’s nothing else I can do, it’s crowd-source on face-planting during the best man’s speech.
On Groomsmen:
“Don’t think that sex with the groomsman from Iowa who just happens to be the grooms best friend and has red hair and is over six feet and is a nerdy but cute accountant and gives you the most intense orgasms you’ve ever had and brings his dog to sleep in the other bed is going to ASK YOU OUT AGAIN because really, he’s going to get up and go back to the house where everyone is staying and wake them up and exclaim loudy I AM HOME and make it generally awkward for you at the wedding brunch and then cause a MASSIVE SURGE of blog traffic because he remembers that you write a blog and OH I FORGOT YOU MENTIONED YOU REALLY WANTED A RELATIONSHIP he says and that he thought you knew he was JUST NOT THAT KIND OF GUY. Yeah, dont have sex with the groomsmen at all.”
On Maneuvering Out from Under Buffet Tables:
“Dont pull your back out … coming out from under a buffet table.”
On Being Too Drunk
“Don’t get too drunk at the rehearsal dinner the night before so you try to hook up with one of the partygoers, only to realize that he is actually friends with your cousin. And now your entire family knows about it, and your mom thinks you’re getting married. And if last night’s wild encounter with a necktie and a shampoo bottle count as marriage, so be it.”
Don’t Forget…
1. That everything is probably on video or in photographs. So when you thought it’d be really funny to flash your friend or shimmy and try to sort of do The Dougie, you are going to have to relive that. (But really, all my FFJD bitches love me.)
2. Waterproof mascara. This ensures that:
a) won’t run when you are crying, and
b) won’t run when you are laughing and
c) won’t run when you wake up the next morning in Jared (Jason?)’s bed. And you wave to the other guy who went to Cornell with the groom who is in the next bed over. Sort of like Acapulco.
On Bringing Extra Undies
Yeah so, this is just a general thing. Always bring extra hanky pankys. You never know when you’ll end up somewhere, potentially pants-less.
Anything I’m missing?
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Email meredith@theffjd.com
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