I can’t even really begin to summarize this story, but I will say this – this could happen to you, FFJD reader, but you really can’t make this drek up.
My family friend sent me a Facebook message at the beginning of the summer saying, “I heard you’re moving to DC we should hang out when you get here.” He gave me his number so I figured I would text him when I got to DC. (1)
I hadn’t seen him since a family Seder a few years ago. (2)
I was pretty excited about meeting up with him because I always thought he was cool. I texted him my first weekend in DC but he never responded. A couple weeks later, he texted me wanting to meet up but I was out of town for the weekend. I figured after he texted me I would text him the following weekend. I did and he never responded. I gave up on him. (3)
A few weeks later I ran into him at a bar and we talked and danced and it was fun but I didn’t think it was going to escalate into anything more than that. The following week he texted me asking what I had planned for the weekend. We met up and ended up talking the entire night, but I still did not think that anything was going to come of it considering the circumstances. (Our parents are literally best friends.) (4)
He ended up coming back to my house, but I had just moved in and it was a mess, so I suggested we go to my parents’ place (who were out of town for the summer), five minutes away. We ended up hooking up in nearly every room of my parents house. This pretty much went on for the remainder of the summer.(5)
At the end of the summer when my parents returned and they mentioned that they were having just his family over for dinner on Rosh Hashanah. I tried to get out of going to avoid the awkwardness. I invited my roommate as a buffer, but i seemed everyone had plans. We all drank wine and talked on the sectional where he and I had hooked up only a few nights earlier. I wanted to die.
Instead I got extremely drunk and did not speak. (6)
The night before Yom Kippur (my family was going to his house) I ended up going out with him and some of his friends. We then proceeded to hook up in the ally behind his parents house in my parents car. At dinner the following night somehow, his mom brought up the fact that he had been extremely loud at 2 AM and asked him what he was doing in the ally the night before.
I just stared into space remainder of the night. (7)
(1) Ah, the family friend. Does he want to show you around and take you for your first trip to Sweetgreen or does he want to show you around, downtown. This is confusing, and it is important to ask yourself the following questions: Is he cute? Is he cute enough that it trumps the fact we have pictures in the bathtub together? And I mean at age 3, not what you’re thinking, readers. But maybe he just wants to recreate that moment, with a few more rubber duckies and some sexting.
(2) Of course that’s the last time you saw each other. Did you flirtatiously drop Merlot on his plate while yelling BOILS!!!!!! and then ooooops accidently leave some chopped liver on your boob? That’s what I thought.
(3) Texting is mostly a cruel invention where girls text and don’t hear a response and then assume that someone hates you with a fiery passion of Hades when in actuality the dude was in the middle of a kickball drinking game, got wasted, and either stepped on his phone or forgot to respond. Been there, done that.
(4) Beware of this situation, FFJDers. It is very very dangerous and usually goes one of two ways. Scenario A: instant bliss, you already know each other’s families, so the part about him meeting your somewhat unstable mother is far behind you. Scenario B: You accidentally vomit on his new carpet and then you have to spend every holiday, Friday night dinner, and momentous occasion with him and are constantly reminded that you NEVER should have drank Four Loko that night. (That stuff KILLS people!)
(5) Or just don’t take my advice, and with wild abandon run around your parents house singing “The Wheels on the Bus” that you used to sing together on playdates, but the tune and volume is different now that you’ve stopped the bus and decided to disrobe in it.
(6) Best defense is silence and a high BAC.
(7) While singing “The Wheels on the Bus” in your head, but changing the lyrics to “You Might Want to Get Your Car Cleaned. Twice.”
_______________
Email your FFJD story to fiftyfirstjdates@gmail.com, follow FFJD on Twitter and be a fan on Facebook!
It is now time to be able to condition upward or dispatch away.