Fifty First (J) Dates: Oh Really, Marie Claire?

I’m having another Carrie Bradshaw moment. But this time I’m scooping Elizabeth Taylor’s poop as we walk down 5th Avenue and I’m wearing a turban, a Dolce & Gabbana poofy skirt, and football shoulder pads. Strong shoulders are so in.

But seriously, what do I know. I just sit in my boxers and postulate while dipping pita chips in hummus. But it’s Friday, and you’re maybe coming to the party I’m hosting at Firefly in NYC tonight (I HAVE SILLYBANDZ, COME), and wondering if you should try to duck out early and get an oxygen facial. What are oxygen facials? I’ve always wanted one, but I just picture myself sitting there being blasted with air and it seems pointless.

I am dating someone now, from JDate (guess which # he is!), so maybe I know a thing or two? Or maybe I just ran out of options since I tried to go out with every boy in the DC-metro area. Anywho.

This month’s Marie Claire published an article called “Why You’ll Never Find Real Love Online.” Not only was it pretty poorly written, but it didn’t really say much. It was supposed to be a tell-all by a former Match.com employee, saying that the business is much less successful than it claims, etc.

It was mostly just a chance for this employee to promote his new book about who you should be having sex with. Hmm. Anyway, I thought it’d rebut this article because I have some feelings about online dating now.

Sure, if you’re writing a book about who to have sex with based on like your favorite scents, pizza toppings or astrological signs (literally, this book is based on astrology), ignore the following. I do think that in order to get the most out of JDate, or Match.com, or whatever other site you’re on for Trekkie fans to find love (is there something like this? I hope so…) you should probably try to do the following.

1. You Have to Kiss a Lot of Frogs in Order to Find Your Jewish American Prince or Princess.

You basically, unfortunately, have to pull your own FFJD and go out with a lot of people before you find someone who fits your style. I recognize that I took this to the extreme, but sometimes that’s the way to get your money’s worth. Yes, you’re going to have to go out with dorks, and with dicks, and maybe with Davids, but hopefully there will be a good end result.

If nothing else – learning what you like, and what you don’t like, is important.

2. You Have to Be Outgoing.

Dating sites are a great middleman, and cut through a lot of the crap with meeting someone at a bar, dog park, or phone sex hotline. But it just doesn’t stop there. You have to be outgoing, and bubbly, and fun. And try to be your best self, even if you just came from another JDate where the guy blew his nose into your napkin and asked you to determine if he had a sinus infection. I sound really annoying, but boys can tell when you’re bored. And when you’re trying to reach for your Blackberry because you probably have a new BBM from Spencer, the boy you’ve been hooking up with for a year but refuses to commit, because he’s just really “unavailable” right now. Mmmhmm. Been there, done that.

3. Have Low Expectations.

The best dates I’ve gone on are where I’ve been pleasantly surprised. I know it’s pessimistic to say, but just like the boy I went out with who I thought would be a dickwad and ugly and pompous, and ended up being smart, brilliant, and interesting. The best thing to do is go in with ZERO expectations. But it’s often impossible to stop yourself from dreaming about your destination wedding in Turks & Caicos where Rihanna performs but doesn’t upstage your Reem Acradress. Try to stop.

4. Date Against Type.

You might surprise yourself. Or you might not. But it really can’t hurt. Maybe do a 180 from your usual tri-state area, cocky, Tods-loafers-wearing iBanker and give a shot to a crazy outdoorsman with a falcon-hunting fetish. Well, that might not be the best example. But, you might find falcons to be a turn-on. No judgment.

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