Fifty First (J) Dates: Perfecting the Walk of Shame.

We’ve all done it. The Walk of Shame.

What’s the Walk of Shame, friend of a friend’s Dad who reads my blog? It’s the walk/drive/run/metro you do after hooking up with someone, in last night’s clothes. It’s obvious, awkward, and painful. And it just so happens that you always run into someone you know:

9:37 am, Saturday Morning, Dupont Circle:

Weird girl from work who smells a little funny and always eats tuna fish at her desk and it’s really gross and you really want to take her to Club Monaco and burn all of her clothing and then buy her something that actually fits and doesn’t do that to her thighs: HEY SARA! SARA! SARA! What’s up? You’re up early!

You: Hey, Mildred.

Mildred: That’s such a cute dress!

You: Yeah, thanks. I just decided to get up early on a Saturday morning, apply my mascara, then wipe my eyes repeatedly, and toss on the same dress I had on last night with one of my turkey cutlet boobs popping out the side. I thought it’d be perfect for a sunny Saturday!

Mildred: COOL!

You: I am leaving Mildred. See you Monday. You’re going to get Mercury poisoning from all that tuna, like Jeremy Piven.

The bottom line is – get prepared to see someone you know. In fact, get prepared to run into an entire school of children, like Selma Blair at the dry cleaner’s in the Sweetest Thing. (You know what I’m talking about. Cringe.)

The Walk of Shame always makes a good story – I’ve WOS’d in three different Halloween costumes and across the city of Barcelona (it was Europe, OKAY!?)

I distinctly remember sophomore year tromping across campus in a Sexy Police Officer/French Maid/Dinosaur ensemble, at 8:30, and running into two girls I knew. I was pantless, essentially, still holding my cuffs/feather duster/dino egg, and wearing four-inch heels. For all they knew I was going to a fun costume run in center city! (Right.)

WOS’ing is an art. So it’s best that you prepare yourself.

1. Things to Put in Your Purse in Case of WOS:

– bobby pins. (you have weird helmet hair from sleeping in Dave’s armpit. It also looks like you had a terrible run in with a ceiling fan. Pin it back.)

– sunglasses (so that Mildred, or your neighbor Polly who wants to question you excessively about your mail policy even though your ears are ringing and you’re probably still drunk, cannot recognize you.)

– clean undies (So I know it’s a little strange to like, have a clean pair of Hanky Panksters in your purse, but you never know. And it’s good for your Pikachu, says Chelsea Handler.)

2. Bring Flats.

Heels are a DEAD giveaway. Unless you’re a drag queen, Victoria Beckham, orJames Franco in Candy magazine (HOW IS IT FAIR HE IS HOT AS A MAN ANDDD A WOMAN) you should not be wearing six-inch YSL stilettos on a Sunday at noon. But it’s ok if you’re a hooker. (Literally.)

3. Walk With Your Head Held High.

This is the most important thing there is to know about WOSing. You OWN that dress that is a little twisted. You OWN that smudged eyeliner that sort of looks like you were crying and then got mauled by a bear.

One of my favorite moments of college was a good friend of mine coming back to the sorority house with her dress on backwards. She was just making a fashion statement.

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