Fifty First (J) Dates: (Semi-Guest Blog) Do We Know How to Say No? (No.)

Hello social media empire! Today I was jchatting with your favorite jblogger about my dating gripes and we came up with a similar dilemma: how to say no. (Meredith sprinkled in some comments and bits. It was a joint effort.)

I’m referring to declining the second date, for no other honest reason than, “Even though you don’t have any fatal personality flaws like slapping your forehead whenever someone says the word “and,” I’d honestly rather spend my night horizontal than speak with you. (Meredith: while spraying butter spray on anything within reach, maybe even the remote. HOW DO THEY MAKE IT TASTE SO MUCH LIKE BUTTER???) I suppose I could give that answer in three consecutive text messages, but that’s dick. Especially because chances are if you’re on a date in the first place, your social circles and geographic locations are close enough that you could see each other again. Not to mention multiple texts lead to opening the last one first. Fail.

I’ve tried a variety of other techniques.

1. One time I lied and told the guy that in the four days between our first date and when he contacted me to meet again, things got serious with someone else (like, right. They got serious with my bag of Pop Chips.)

2. Ignoring all communication. I’ve also tried the modified lie- making up excuses as to why I can’t meet up until the offers eventually cease. So far this has yielded mild success at best, at the cost of my guilty conscience (and general annoyance). Many people have suggested I say something of the following: “You’re a great guy/girl, but I didn’t feel the connection I was looking for.” (You’re not actually going to have the balls to say that. Why is it so hard to say no? My theory is that we don’t care about hurting someone’s feelings, but rather want to keep our rap intact).

Not only is the presumed statement above an awkward thing to say, but it’s so generic and 7th Heaven/after- school special-esque (DONT DO DRUGS. And hey Kimmie Gibbler. I know I am mixing metaphors.) This is also a lie because I don’t think you’re “great.” I just think you’re a decent, agreeable person, at best. (And maybe, if we were the only two people on a desert island, and there were no sheep, I’d mate with you. But are there sheep?)

How about instead we develop a universal signal that says, “I’m just not that into you.” Like the handshake in Parent Trap (Which I memorized…don’t lie you did too.) Why don’t we take a clue from S&M and develop a universal safe word/phrase, like “Snuffaluffagus Roquefort?”

Example:

– Hey, how’s Tuesday?

– Snuffaluffagus Roquefort.

– You were sort of cross-eyed anyway. And I made out with your friend.

Or how about we all just grow a pair, and utter the one word – “no” (thank you.)