Sorting Biblical Characters Part 3: Beyond the Torah

Remember when we at Jewcy sorted Torah characters into their proper Hogwarts houses? Boy, wasn’t that fun!

Well, you know, since then, there’s been a new movie in the Harry Potter franchise (almost Jewish, not quite), and we’ve also been asked, “Where were the likes of Ruth and Esther in those articles?”

Well, that was about the Torah. Those ladies feature in the other parts of the Tanakh, the Jewish Bible . So, what the heck, let’s sort them, too. Biblical dudes today (mostly from Samuel I and II, because that’s where a lot of the men people are), women tomorrow.

Samson is a jerk who muscles his way through life without finesse. The worst kind of Gryffindor.

Samuel is a prophet, and as a spokesman for the Almighty, it can be hard parsing out what’s him and what’s the job. But he took to his job with vigor, and never showed signs of weakness or doubt. He was also full of sass, even in the face of kings, even when he was literally dead and summoned as a ghost to give advice. He stuck to his guns in the most Gryffindor of ways.

King Saul is a Gryffindor in an almost tragic way. Even when his demons (possibly mental illness, through some modern lenses), make his rage-filled or violent, perhaps paranoid, he’s still noble from start to finish. He seems angry or frustrated when those around him don’t seem sufficiently loyal, but even when he fears he is alone, he goes ahead with his duty. He’s a king of the battlefield, never really cut out for courtly intrigue. A fascinating, flawed Gryffindor.

King David is a Gryffindor in a very different way. Sure, he could be sly when he needed to, but he was generally pretty direct in getting what he wanted. Woe betide the man who stood in his way, but his good attributes, like his nobility and dedication to his cause (which was not purely selfish, but also Godly, according to the Biblical perspective), are also Gryff traits.

King Solomon is such a Ravenclaw that there is no point going into any more detail about it. Who else would propose the “cutting-a-baby-in-half” thing?

Mordechai is tricky! He refuses to bow to Haman. He reports an assassination attempt on the king. He walks a fine line between encouraging and manipulating his kinswoman to save his people. To what do these actions add up? It’s a bit of a hat-stall, but we’re going to go with Slytherin. He begins as an oppressed minority and somehow ends up with his enemies all dead and him as the right hand of the king. He had to have had some serious ambition.

Next up: Post-Torah Biblical ladies. Get ready for some feelings.

Image by Guercino via Wikimedia.