Dear Shaykh ul Islam President Barack Hussein ibn Obama.
All praises belong to Allah! Today is a great day for Islam. The President of the United States of America is a Muslim! The greatest nation is now ruled by the greatest religion. I congratulate you, Brother Barack, for pulling the wool over the eyes of the infidel, and I encourage you, now, to go ahead and tell them (y)our little secret. I remember when we first met. It was at the 1429th annual meeting of the Society for the Advancement of Islamic Conquests! (S.A.I.C!) and you came by with your lovely second wife, Maryam bint Masud – did you tell Michelle about her yet? – and told all of us that you had gotten yourself elected to the U.S. Senate by pretending to be a Christian, and were now setting your sights on the American Presidency. You came to tell us that if we prayed for you, and more importantly, gave you $ 600 million dollars in donations at your website, you had a chance of being elected President of the United States. I don’t remember what day it was but I remember we had just gotten done watching Little Mosque on the Prairie and I was imagining Sitara Hewitt converting to Islam so I could take my parents to propose to her parents for her hand in marriage. Anyway, let me be the first to apologize for the way we treated you then. I can’t believe we didn’t take you seriously and instead ending up giving our money to Ron Paul (because he is a medical doctor and we like medical doctors more than we like lawyers). See, I thought you were, as black people say, "just playin." I mean, you have to understand that we’re Muslims, and we aren’t used to winning at anything, so when you were talking about how you had a "legitimate shot" at the Presidency, I won’t lie, I thought you were talking about something else. So what do you say? Let bygones be bygones? I know we, as the kids say, "chumped you" – see I’m trying to ingratiate myself to your style – but there is no reason for there to be, as they say, "beef" between us. I mean, don’t you think you already got enough revenge against us? Consider: – You just refused to say, "There is nothing wrong with being a Muslim." (I mean we had to wait till Marty Peretz and Colin Powell for someone to say it out loud). – As the New York Times reported you stopped hanging out with Muslim Congressman Keith Ellison. – Your people told those Michigan Muslim girls wearing headscarves to get the hell out of the picture. (Thanks for apologizing though, "bro"). – You went to visit churches and synagogues but never a mosque. – You let your first Muslim outreach advisor resign just because he had served, for a little while, on some board, with some shady character. – The only imam you met was the one that President Bush hangs out with. There are more imams in the world!
– And, finally, what was up with returning the laddoos I sent you? Those little yellow balls of sweetmeat were expensive! You know I went all the way to Jackson Heights to get them? Man they even had the little aluminum foil hats on them! Damn right I was bitter, but you know what, we ignored you and you threw us under the bus, so we’re all even. Now you are the man and we just want to cuddle up to you. Seriously, Brother Barack, you have no idea how popular you became in the Global Islamic Conspiracy. You might not believe me but we were nervous for you the whole time. We really thought that people were going to figure out that you were Malcolm X’s son. I bet my brother seven dinars that (Shaykh) Spike Lee was going to spill the beans on that one! Phew. We also got scared there for a little while when the pundits started saying that you’d be treated like an apostate in the Muslim world. I was eating hummus with the wives when I heard about that and I totally flipped. I couldn’t go to any of them for a week. They were about to riot. Thank God that turned out to be a false alarm. So, Brother Barack, now you are President of America, the most powerful man in the world, ruling – despite all contrary evidence – in the name of Islam, I have one simple request that you need to fulfill. Mind you, it isn’t really a request, but a demand, because if you don’t oblige, I’m going to go to the ayatollahs and get them to declare you a non-Muslim. It is this: immediately annex South America and appoint me governor of Brazil. I really wish to bring Islam to those people (no, this has nothing to do with my desire for super models). I await your response. Jazakallah, Your Fellow Believer in al-Islaam