Hillary Clinton Vows To Overthrow Thulsa Doom

Hillary Clinton is not content to bring a lawsuit against OPEC for hoarding oil that doesn't exist—a lawsuit that would have no standing in the WTO, that wouldn't succeed if it did have standing, and that wouldn't achieve anything if it did succeed. Instead, she has upped her game and is now threatening to obliterate OPEC entirely.

How do you rid the world of all known diseases? Monty Python may have influenced Clinton's new approach to policy: "Well, first of all become a doctor and discover a marvellous cure for something, and then, when the medical profession really starts to take notice of you, you can jolly well tell them what to do and make sure they get everything right so there'll never be any diseases ever again." You know you've made it into the Clinton policy shop if the doctor you become is Dr. Strangelove.

From my vantage point, the platform of the latest incarnation of the Clinton campaign includes

1. funneling tax revenues to oil companies and allowing our transportation infrastructure to decay by means of a scheme to encourage Americans to pollute the environment;
2. crushing Iran, seeing Iranians driven before her, and hearing the lamentations of their women;
3. leveling empty threats that won't reduce energy prices or consumption, but could (if they haven't already) piss off a bunch of important trading partners;
4. parleyin' with pointyhead know-it-alls about their letters, signs, and times tables, reckonin' what they's for, and bein' agin' 'em.

Last week, a North Carolina union boss gave a lot of faint-hearted liberals the vapors when he talked up Hillary's "testicular fortitude"—was that gay-bashing? went the thought—shortly before denouncing "Gucci-wearing, latte-drinking, self-centered, egotistical people that have damaged our lifestyle." For out-of-touch elitists who don't get the reference, "testicular fortitude" is a coinage from WWE (neé WWF) owner Vince McMahon.

It's taken a while, but I think I've figured out what Clinton is up to. Her preposterous pugnaciousness in policymaking and campaigning is not only an effort to connect to rasslin' fans in the electorate, but to give her a hedge in case this presidential run thing doesn't work out — namely, a career in professional wrestling. As with her platform, the whole thing is a contrived spectacle, but that doesn't mean she won't open up a can of whup-ass on you if you call it 'fake.' Either that, or she can just star in the next Conan film.