The Horse Race: Race-Baiting Dems Vs. Nutty Repubs

On the Left: Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have called a ceasefire over the race issue. Hillary had previously said that Martin Luther King, Jr. wouldn't have accomplished his goals without President Lyndon Johnson, who was (get this!) white. Hillary's staffers accused Obama's campaign of distorting her remarks. Former President Bill Clinton described Obama's supposed superior judgment on Iraq as a "fairy tale," and many African-Americans felt that Clinton was referring to the notion of a black president — which isn't crazy considering that a Clinton aide described Obama as voters' "imaginary hip black friend." Meanwhile, Obama entered a rally accompanied by the lyrics: "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one." The political guru Dick Morris, occasional toe-suckler (seriously, how the fuck does this guy have a career?), argues that John Edwards should end his candidacy like Bill Richardson, so that he might boost Obama's chances of winning the nomination. Another hopeless candidate, Dennis Kucinich, won his lawsuit to appear in tonight's debate. (Kucinich is fun, but he can't rock a mic like Mike Gravel.)

This week's winner: Clinton — but she's playing dirty.

On the Right: Rudy Giuliani is in T-R-O-U-B-L-E. The former New York mayor is unable to stay ahead of John McCain in the polls and can't afford to pay his own staffers. Ron Paul is dead. Mitt Romney, who has money to spare (you sure save a lot of cash when you never purchase booze or pornography), is investing heavily in TV advertisements to regain his status as front runner. (A Mormon president? Isn't that kind of a fairy tale?) Mike Huckabee pandered to pro-lifers in South Carolina by visiting a "pregnancy counseling center." He also proclaimed that wives should "submit" to their husbands, and wouldn't answer whether he believes that only Christians go to heaven. But he has God's digits, so he should know.

This week's winner: McCain — but his comeback is very fragile, and he looks awful.