Tony Zirkle is an Indiana Republican lawyer seeking his party's nomination to represent South Bend in Congress. He says he's a mainstream Republican, running in a historically Republican district in a historically Republican state. But the odds are still stacked against him: His primary opponent is Chris "Count" Chocola, the district's former Congressman attempting to win back his seat from Democrat Joe Donnelly. That must be why he made the decidedly unorthodox move of showing up at a neo-Nazi gala event to celebrate Hitler's birthday.
I'll say this for Zirkle. That's one of the more innovative ways I've heard of for a cash-strapped underdog campaign to generate free media. And it gave local reporters in South Bend the chance to cover something other than Charlie Weis' lawsuit against the doctors who performed his gastric bypass surgery. Like any modern politician, Zirkle understands the importance of message control. So rather than let the story get way ahead of him, Zirkle spoke with Fox News to make sure voters knew that he's not some fringe figure.
For example, Zirkle doesn't deny the Holocaust. Or, rather, Zirkle doesn't deny a Holocaust:
The personal-injury lawyer says he’s running for Congress to combat "the genocide of the white race" that pornography is causing — an "unholy pornocaust" against white Christian women.
"We now have a small army of male black porn stars that are sifting through five, ten, fifteen thousand women," he said. "One man can now genocide the wombs of thousands of women," infecting them with sexually transmitted diseases that leave them barren.
He calls it "Porn mule womb slaughter… the most effective weapon of mass destruction."…
Porn mules abuse women's body temples to the maximum degree, infect virtually every single one with at least the HPV, genocidally kill their wombs in a matter of years, and render them all but lifetime unmarriageable in a day.
In case you had to be told, yes, the Jews are the puppet-masters behind the Pornocaust. Zirkle has it from no less an authority than Hitler that "Jews comprised 98% of all pimps in Germany," and therefore he is justifiably concerned about "Jewish involvement in porn which was almost a cartel until recently."
Now, even though saving white women from genocide at the hands (if you will) of black cock is what inspired Zirkle to get into politics, he's hardly a one-issue candidate. A trip to his campaign website reveals a varied, nuanced platform. If elected, Zirkle will:
- Address the scourge of drugs by getting to its root cause — "the ever increasing prevalence of the porn-prostitution industry"
- Put an end to child pornography by enlisting "thousands of 'private attorney generals' [sic]" to "investigate, subpoena and civilly forfeit the proceeds and assets of the child porn industry on their own time" (yes, that means commissioning an amateur army to use against Americans)
- Encourage states to use "police powers" against women seeking abortions
- Punish child-support dodgers by conscripting them into the army (this falls under the "immigration" heading on the website)
- Bring jobs to Indiana by doing "what Socrates would do and cease promoting to our children examples of murder, adultery and vice…If a man has nothing more to live for than a few moments in a strip bar or an occasional prostitute, how much will he care about his job?"
- Protect Indiana from the "judocracy" [s/b "jew-docracy"?–ed.], i.e., the conspiracy of judges trying to enshrine a right to "homosexual sodomy"
- Cut through all the gridlock and bullshit on war on terror issues to pose the seldom-asked question, "Is it possible that a nation's embracing of porn-prostitution is one of the root causes of modern-day terrorism?"
- Send the first constituent who correctly guesses the meaning of his middle name ("Hvfvgpd") a stashed copy of Penthouse Vol. I Issue 1 to "shred"
- Expand freedom of choice for women with "a 'Derrenger's [sic] for Dildos' policy to put guns in American women's hands instead of divorce aids"
- Promote inter-faith harmony between Christians and Muslims by helping them to "unite on anti-Semitism and use the Jews' involvement in porn-prostitution to incite the public"
And in case you needed any more reason to hop the next red-eye to South Bend to register as a Republican, get this: He was the valedictorian of Tipton High School, graduating with a 4.0 GPA. And ladies, he's single.